Category: College Life

On Addiction, Trauma, and Coping Skills

Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, Me, My Writing, Real LifeTagged , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

I come from a long line of addicts. My biological father, Michael, is a recovering alcoholic. My biological mother, Heather, is also an alcoholic. Though she’ll tell you that she’s not a drunk. She’s denied her own alcoholism since I can remember. She drank with at least three out of six of her kids while she was pregnant with them. Possibly four, but that one is unconfirmed. She’s been told over and over again that she’s got issues and she needs to get help. She never has. Instead, she’s pickling her liver. Her husband is also pickling his liver. I mean, the woman tripped at work because she was wasted. She was fired because she was drinking on the job and stealing alcohol. So yeah, she’s a drunk. Her biological father, Ted, who passed away a few years ago, was a drunk. I think even his father was a drunk. Michael’s biological father, whom I don’t think he’s even met, I believe was also a drunk. The point is that there is a lot of addiction and alcoholism in my family, But there’s a lot of trauma as well. I don’t know if those correlate. They probably do a little. I don’t know a lot about my family history. My mother lies. Everything is shrouded in mystery. Or, you know, hazy from booze-filled dreams.

I’m not an addict. Nor am I an alcoholic. I don’t like drinking. Sure, I’ll drink socially, but even then, I don’t like it. I’d rather dance. When I think of alcohol, I think about my mother. I think about her wine breath as I tuck her into bed. I think about cleaning up her vomit from the floor. It doesn’t have good memories associated with it. I made that choice a long time ago that I wasn’t going to be like her. I wasn’t going to drown my sorrows and pain in alcohol. Just like I made the choice to not do drugs.

Sure, I’ve smoked pot. I’ve had some edibles. but that is the extent of my drug usage. Frankly, the reason why I don’t like drinking I don’t want to be like my mother. The reason why I don’t do any hard drugs is because I don’t want to be like my brother Tristan.

Now, I’ve talked about him a few times. My poem “Demons” is about him. He’s featured in a few pieces from “I Don’t See You Anywhere.” Those pieces are “Speculations” and “Parental Repercussions.”

if you know me then you know that I love my siblings more than anything. Tristan is my best friend. He’s 28 and I’ll be turning 30 in June, so we’ve always been close. I’ll admit that I’ve always had rose-colored glasses on when it comes to him. Maybe I’ve babied him a bit too much. Maybe a part of me did that because I felt bad that he didn’t get a good mother. Sure, I didn’t either. Yet sometimes it seems like he suffered more from our shitty drunk mother. maybe that was wrong. Maybe that was wrong to baby him. maybe, in a way, by babying him, I was enabling him, too.

That’s hard for me to admit.

I love my brother. I’d die for him. I’d probably kill for him. But I also know that he’s not perfect.

Tristan started using cocaine again. So much so that his wife Natalie kicked him out. I can’t blame her there. And I made sure to tell her that I supported her decision. He left it out where his daughter could get it, and that’s not okay.

Do you know who that reminds me of?

Our mother. It reminds me of Heather.

When I was about 14 or 15, Heather started dating this guy named Rusty. He was like, ten years younger than her. He was just using her for money. One day, I got home from school to find that he had left his drug paraphernalia out on the coffee table where my little brother Kody (who was, like, 5 at the time) could reach it. And when I say drug paraphernalia, just know I’m not talking about pot. It was some hard-core drugs. Possibly cocaine or meth. I don’t know. All I know is that my little brother held it in his hands.

That was terrifying.

I trashed it all. Then I cleaned him up. He could’ve died from that.

My niece, Ellie, could’ve died had she gotten in Tristan’s stash. that’s his daughter.

And I see the same thing repeating. Repeating. Over and over again.

It used to make me sad.

Now? It pisses me off.

Because Tristan knows what that is like. To grow up in that chaos. To grow up with a parent who cared more about getting her next drink than her own kids. You’ve read it all on here with “Bottles in the Closet,” “Drink Yourself to the Grave,” “What You Taught Me,” “Narcissism,” and so many other pieces from “I Don’t See You Anywhere” that clearly lays out what it was like growing up with a drunk as a mother. I’ve been frank and honest about my childhood with Heather. It’s been healing and relieving. Like letting out pus from a wound. I may not be fully healed. I know I still have trauma. I’m pretty sure I can trace my reluctance to drive, to move out to my mother. I know all that. I do know that I’m not the same as I was when I first came to Arkansas at 19. I’ve grown and I’ve changed. I’ve come to terms with my shitty childhood.

Yeah, I deserved a hell of a lot better than what I got. But you know what? I can’t do anything about that. It’s in the past. I can’t let it control my every actions. That’s not to say that it doesn’t. Like, I said, I’m certain I could trace my anxiety driving and moving out on my own to my mother. I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress. But I work every single damn day to make sure that I am nothing like my mother. Every day I make that choice.

I look at Tristan, and I see my mother. I see how she makes herself the victim in everything. How she never takes responsibility for her actions. How she blames everyone but doesn’t look in the damn mirror. How she lies and manipulates to get her way. How she uses alcohol to cope with her own issues rather than use the resources she has. Tristan may have admitted that he’s an addict, but he still chooses to do drugs. He made one step and yet is stagnant.

And yeah, he can blame our shitty childhood. But at a certain point, he’s got to take responsibility for his own actions. He chooses drugs over his family. He makes that choice because it is easier to be high than to be sober and admit that he’s fucked up. And maybe I’ve been too gentle on him. Maybe that’s on me. Maybe I should’ve been giving him more tough love.

Right now I’m sad, but I’m also mad. I’m pissed off. Because I see him repeating exactly what our mother did to us. I want to yell and scream at him. I want to shake him. I want to ask him how you can do this. How can you do the same thing to Ellie that Heather did to us? That’s what he’s doing. He can’t see a way out of the drugs. He’s got a whole damn support system. He’s got Natalie. Me. Mom (when I say Mom know I mean Wendy, my aunt who adopted me last May and is Heather’s older sister). He’s got a whole cheer squad in the wings, willing and able to be there. But we can’t make him be sober. We can’t drag him kicking and screaming. He has to make that choice.

So yeah, I cried when I found out he got kicked out. Just like I cried when I spent Christmas break with him and a week before he would’ve been sober for a year (January 3rd), he relapsed. I felt like I should’ve done more. Mom was right. what more could I have done that I hadn’t already done? Hadn’t I spent hours trying to talk to him? Give him advice? tell him all the things that he hears from his therapist and his sponsor. Haven’t I done everything I could to make him see? Maybe I should’ve taken a different approach.

Maybe I should’ve said this instead:

Do you now remember scaring Kody and Camron because you came home high out your gourd from taking god knows what? Your best friend Trai was over and he locked you out. Neither Trai nor I would let you in until we knew you were sober. Do you not remember that? Because I do. You’re not the one who had to come up with a lie to tell our little brothers. You know, your little brothers who adore you.

Do you not remember coming down from a high and wrapping your hand around my throat? All because I wouldn’t give you money for more drugs? Do you not remember that? Because I do. I remember being afraid of you for the first time in my life. Because you’re bigger than me. I remember you apologizing the next day. But I also remember you stealing from my wallet. I bet you didn’t think I knew.

That is what drugs has done to you.

I’m sure there are more memories like that. I wasn’t dumb. I knew he was using when he was a kid. Probably mostly popping pills. Maybe that’s why I was too soft on him. Because a part of me blamed myself. Maybe I should’ve done more. Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve. Like a damn line from a song. I guess I forgot that I was also a kid. What the hell was I supposed to do about my addict brother? What could I do? So yeah, maybe that’s why I was too soft.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that as much as I want to help, sometimes there’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him get sober, and I can’t make him see that there is a better way. That’s a hard pill to swallow. No pun intended.

And yeah, that was humor.

I cope with my trauma with humor.

I cope by smiling and faking it until I make it.

I listen to music.

I hide in my art, my books, my fanfiction. Whatever I can to not have to deal with the trauma. A common thread in every story, whether my original story or fanfiction, is a girl trying to find a home and a family. That’s real. That’s me. Maybe that’s what I’m still looking for. Maybe I’ll always be looking for that.

And while I have Mom and she’s a damn godsend, there are still some things I can’t tell her. Somethings I’m afraid to tell her.

I can’t tell her that I’m an overachiever because I’m terrified if I don’t do anything, if I’m not the best in school if I don’t get this master’s, she won’t want me anymore. That she’ll look at me and maybe all she’ll see is Heather. Maybe she won’t love me anymore. That if I don’t help with chores, she’ll think I’m worthless.

Yeah, I know that’s bullshit. I know that logically. She’s not going to think that. That’s my stupid brain. You can’t rewire a brain once it’s been so warped by a drunk mother.

Hell, Mom would probably be happy if I was an underachiever.

But being an overachiever? That’s my trauma manifesting. That’s me trying to be the best that I can be. That’s me trying to make sure I am seen. Growing up that’s all I wanted from Heather. I wanted to be seen. I wanted her to come to my choir concerts, to look at my art, and to take an interest in my writing. She never did.

Being an overachiever is me hiding the fact that, honestly, I’m depressed a lot. I’m fucking tired all the time.

I don’t want to be in school anymore. Sure, I’m nailed in for social work, and I’m excited about that program, but I also wish I had realized what I wanted to do years ago. I feel like an idiot sometimes for not figuring that out. I’ve been in school for ten years. I feel like I haven’t grown or changed. I’m stagnant. I’m almost 30 and I can’t drive. I don’t know why there’s that block. Maybe I feel bad for bothering Mom if I want to drive. Who knows?

The truth is that I’d love to just relax. I want to travel. Not just in the states. I want to go everywhere. I want to get over this damn block when it comes to driving, take a few weeks of work off and say fuck it. Go on a cross-country trip because why the hell not?

I want to do all the shit I never got to do.

I want to paint every day and not give two fucks if it looks good.

I want to spend hours writing on stories.

I want to audition for every single play and musical, and maybe one day, I’ll get to be a tree.

I want to dress up for no other reason than it makes me happy.

Hell, yes, I still want to throw a masquerade ball.

I want to take vocal lessons and learn ballet, and sometimes, I want to binge-watch my favorite shows.

But you know what?

I also want to be an underachiever. I want someone to take over. I can pass them the damn baton.

Here you go! It’s your turn.

Or hell, no one takes over.

I’m so damn tired of trying to be perfect. Of pretending. Of acting like everything is hunky dory. I’m just fucking tired. Being the oldest? It fucking blows. Everyone looks at you like you’re perfect. They seem to forget that you’re human too. But I think I forgot I was human too.

So yeah, I’m still angry with Tristan. I still want to shake him. But it’s his choice. His decision. It’s out of my hands. I’d like to say that I at least broke the cycle of addiction and alcoholism. I don’t think I did. I think I just replaced it with something else. I haven’t figured out if my coping skills are any better than his. Maybe they aren’t.

My current theme song is “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.” Check out the lyrics below.

-K

I’m a Tortured Poet Too (TTPD Album Review)

Posted in College Life, Me, My Writing, Real Life, Taylor SwiftTagged , , , , Leave a comment

I never thought it could be done, but it has. For years, Taylor Swift’s Red has been my favorite album. When she released her version, I fell in love with Red all over again. Well, move over Red because this girl has a new favorite album! I have been counting down the days since Taylor announced that she had a new album, The Tortured Poets Department, coming out in April. Since it came out on April 19th, I’ve been repeatedly listening to the album for days. Not only did our girl give us 16 new songs, but she whipped around and said surprise! Here’s another 15 songs! That’s our girl, though. And if you know me, then you know how much I love Red, and the fact that it’s been knocked to number two is a big deal. Red has always been My Album. Yes, those caps are necessary. The fact that The Tortured Poets Department (TTPD) has knocked Red to second place? Huge deal.

So, let’s get to this.

Normally, I’d go through songs by songs like I’ve done with other album reviews, but instead, I’m going to talk about my favorite songs, a few of my own theories, and who knows what else.

Let’s get started.

My first favorite song is “Florida!!!” This song features Florence + the Machine, who is another one of my favorite artists. This song is my top favorite song (it’s a tie really between this one and the next song). This song perfectly blends what we expect from Taylor and Florence + the Machine. Seriously, this song is a masterpiece. The lyrics, the blending of Taylor and Florence’s voices, the instruments. It is done so well. Sometimes, when you get two different artists on a song, they don’t blend well. The song “Don’t Call Me Angel” comes to mind with Ariana Grande, Lana del Rey, and Miley Cyrus. All three of them are fantastic, but the song doesn’t complement all their styles.

“Florida!!!” blends Taylor Swift and Florence + the Machine, which doesn’t diminish either singer but also gives us a whole new sound. It’s incredible. Mom doesn’t like the “Florida!!!” part and thinks that it’d be perfect if the song didn’t have that. I can understand that.

When I think of Florida, I think of two things: vacations and Florida Man stories. Have you ever Googled Florida man + plus your birthday? We all know of those crazy Florida man stories. Or hell, just Florida stories in general. Vacation and crazy? That’s how we see Florida. This song captures that essence. The song is about an escape. It’s about running away and hiding.

If I had to think of what previous album this song came from, I’d probably say evermore. It has the same vibe as “no body, no crime.”

My favorite lyrics: 

"Well, me and my ghosts, wе had a hell of a time
Yes, I'm hauntеd, but I'm feeling just fine"
"Tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable
At least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, Florida"

Up next, we have “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” Honestly, this song gave me reputation flashbacks. It’s like the twin sister of “Look What You Made Me Do.” It gave me major Cruella de Ville vibes, too. I thoroughly expect this song to eventually make its way to Spotify’s Villain Mode playlist. (Update: IT HAS. I love being right. Lol.)

This song is angry and confrontational. Taylor is taking charge of the narrative once more and firing her own shots at all her haters, yet it’s done seamlessly. Taylor has often been in the public’s eye for her songs and her life—more than anyone else, it seems. (For more, read this blog.)

This song is powerful. Did anyone else start listening to it and immediately straighten out and powerwalk? I know I did.

Obviously, this song is a definite call back to reputation. (Come on, Taylor, give us reputation (Taylor’s Version). Is this a hint? Please be a hint.) Personally, reputation isn’t one of my favorite albums. Nothing against the album. I have a few favorite songs on it. I think it’s because the songs don’t speak to me as well as her other albums do. It’s the same with Lover and 1989. There’s nothing wrong with the albums; I personally just don’t connect with the songs as well as I do with other albums.

And that’s the thing, you don’t have to like all her songs or albums. Everyone has their favorite album and favorite songs. That’s totally okay. Everyone can have their opinion. Respect is the key. (More on that in a bit.)

My Favorite Lyrics:

"I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me"

“I was tame, I was gentle ’til the circus life made me mean
‘Don’t you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth‘ “

Up next, we have “The Bolter” from The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology. I know that I’ve talked about this before, but in high school, it wasn’t all roses and peaches. (I think that’s how that phrase goes.) I’m pretty sure my friends would also call me “The Bolter.” I know they called me more colorful things behind my back, even as they smiled at my face.

There were times when I felt really alone. Like Taylor, I got caught up in the drama. Some of it was my own fault, and some of it wasn’t. This song makes me think of those times. I think this song is about double standards. It’s okay that the guy wanted her, but her wanting him was wrong. He got to walk away without the whispers, but she didn’t get to. Isn’t that just the summary of Taylor’s entire career?

I also find the placement of this song interesting. It’s the third to last song, between “Peter” and “Robin.”

I can’t decide which album this song emulates. It’s kind of a toss-up between Lover and folklore for me. Oh, wait, no. It’s a total debut or Fearless song!

My Favorite Lyrics:

"Behind her back, her best mates laughed
And they nicknamed her 'The Bolter' "

"Ended with the slam of a door
Then he'll call her a whore"

“The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” is somehow both sad and angry. I’m not sure how Taylor did that, but go her! Mom says this song is like a giant “FUCK HIM.” I totally agree with that.

This song is about being disappointed in a former lover. It starts out so soft, and then it slowly builds up to the bridge. (You know Taylor likes her bridges.) I immediately thought about her relationship with John Meyer when I first heard this song. She was 19, and he was 32 when they dated. “Dear John” is about him (obviously). Apparently, this song isn’t about John Meyer but some other guy she dated. Yes, even though I am a Swiftie, that doesn’t mean I keep track of who she dates. It’s about the music for me. I think the guy is Matt Healy? No idea who that is, but whatever.

This song is about disappointment. It asks what happened. Was this a joke? Just tell me. She’s trying to understand. She thought what they had was real, yet he was suddenly gone. There is so much emotion in this album, and I love it.

I just had a thought: This song is about a fucboi. HA. (Also, I have a dirty mind; when I read “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived,” I read it entirely differently. . .I know I’m not the only one.)

This song screams folklore with some Red echoes.

My Favorite Lyrics: 

"And I don't even want you back, I just want to know
If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal"
"And you'll confess why you did it and I'll say, 'Good riddance'
'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

Before I got to “Florida!!!” and “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” this next song was my first favorite: “Down Bad.” This song reminds me of 1989 (Taylor’s Version). It’s got that same vibe—sort of pop, sort of country, but with some edge. It makes you want to get up and dance, and then you think about what the lyrics are about, and you’re like. Oh.

This song reminds me of a line from another song, “Wasting All These Tears” by Cassadee Pope. She sings “And you left me standing on a corner crying.” Or the other songs that sing about crying on the floor after a break-up. “Down Bad” has that same vibe. Yet, it’s a bit angrier. It’s not angsty. Taylor is pissed. Yet she’s also sad. For me this song is like that moment where you just got broken up with it, yet you’re still in denial.

Yet, it’s also about the double standard. I mean, think about how much heat Taylor has gotten for writing songs about her exes compared to everyone else. Like, why?

My Favorite Lyrics:

"Now I'm down bad crying at the gym
Everything comes out teenage petulance"

"They'll say I'm nuts if I talk about the existence of you
For a moment I was heaven struck"

The next song I read was the title when she released it, and I immediately thought about The Little Mermaid with “But Daddy I Love Him.” Has any song ever been so quintessential teenage love? You know that love. The first love. When it hits you like a train (or like lightning). it’s like you’re overwhelmed. All you can think about is that person. It doesn’t matter if your parents don’t approve because that person is the one.

“But Daddy I Love Him” captures that perfectly. This song reminds me of Speak Now. Back when Taylor was still hopeful about love. Also, how hilarious is the line “But daddy, I love him, I’m having his baby?” I fucking died laughing at that. Come on. That was gold.

My Favorite Lyrics:

"Growin' up precocious sometimes means
Not growin' up at all"
"I'll tell you something 'bout my good name
It's mine alone to disgrace"

Never has a line been more iconic than “Lights, camera, bitch, smile.” I need that on a T-shirt, stat. “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” is such a peppy song, yet. . it’s not a happy song? I love the contrast. This song is like if Lover and 1989 had a baby, and boom, we get this gem. Can’t you picture her in her 1989 outfit singing this song?

This song is about how she put on a massive tour, even though she was depressed and heartbroken. Can you blame a girl? I mean, she ended a six-year relationship. That’s a big deal. Us normal people, we get to eat ice cream or do whatever we need to do to move on from a relationship. Taylor, on the other hand, has a brand. She’s a celebrity. She’s always under scrutiny. Did her ex get this much heat after the break-up? No, I don’t think so. (He may have. If he did, then correct me because I don’t know.) The double standards are just ridiculous.

So this song is her like hey, I’m depressed, life sucks, but I have shit to do. Here I am.

My Favorite Lyrics: 

"I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it's an art
You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart"

There is something about the beat of this next song that I just, vibe with it. “My Boy Breaks All His Favorite Toys” has such an interesting vibe. It’s screaming 1989 and Red to me. Yet, more. . .grown up? If that makes sense. This song talks about a guy who self-sabotages. It could’ve been good. Maybe it was good in the beginning, but then he (the boy) decided to break it. Hence the title. Self-sabotage. Who hasn’t been in a relationship like that? Where one of you, maybe both of you, sabotages the relationship.

Maybe it’s out of fear. Who knows? This song is about that. It’s about a man—a boy who does that. It could’ve been good, but she’ll never know because he left.

My Favorite Lyrics:

" 'Cause I knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch
He saw forever, so he smashed it up, oh, oh"

For this next song, I’m about to say something so controversial to my fellow Swifties.

Ready?

Okay, so I think “loml” is more sad than “So Long, London.”

There, I said it.

“Loml” starts with a piano, and I am such a sucker for Taylor’s songs with a piano as the main instrument. I love a piano ballad. There is so much raw emotion in this song as she sings. It’s beautiful. This song hits me like “All Too Well,” “White Horse,” and “Last Kiss.” Those songs are so raw and so emotional that you are like, OH. Oh. Ouch.

This song is the twelfth in the album, but honestly, I think it should be in the fifth spot instead. I can see her singing this song on a tour, the emotions, the gestures she’d make. It’s a heartbreaking song. This song scoops out your insides and twists them around a bit, and then yanks them out. Like how the Egyptians got the brains out to put them in a jar.

“Loml” means loss of my life—not love of my life. Ouch. Okay, just, ouch, man. This song is about a love that you thought was perfect—you thought he was The One. But it wasn’t. It was heartbreaking. There’s no fixing it. There’s no return.

That love? It’s gone. It’s not coming back.

Also, I love how it ends with “You’re the loss of my life,” and that’s it. It reminds me of “Last Kiss” and how she ends that song with “last.”

My Favorite Lyrics: 

"I wish I could un-recall
How we almost had it all"

"Oh, what a valiant roar
What a bland goodbye
The coward claimed he was a lion"

“So Long, London” is the fifth song on TTPD. It has long been a tradition that the fifth song on a Taylor Swift album is going to yank out your heart and then stomp on it with a soccer cleat. Seriously, there’a whole bunch of theories on this. I may be a Swiftie, but I’m not that invested.

Let’s list her track five songs.

Debut: Cold As You

Fearless: White Horse

Speak Now: Dear John

Red: All Too Well

1989: All You Had To Do Was Stay

Reputation: Delicate

Lover: The Archer

Folklore: My Tears Ricochet

Evermore: Tolerate It

Midnights: You’re On Your Own, Kid

TTPD: So Long, London

Now, obviously, some of those hit harder than others (looking at you “All Too Well” and “tolerate it”). Yet there are a few on there that I wouldn’t necessarily call tragic or sad. In fact, a few of them seem a bit more hopeful rather than tragic. Such as “Delicate” and “The Archer.” I think “So Long, London” is the same as those. I don’t see it as a sad song, per se. Yes, it’s got a sad note. There is that same raw emotion as in “loml,” yet “So Long, London” seems more hopeful.

It’s a goodbye, but it’s also looking towards the future.

This next bit is going to be shorter, but just random musings on the songs.

I greatly appreciate “The Prophecy” being before “Cassandra.” Now, I don’t know if y’all know your Greek mythology, but Cassandra was the name of a woman who had visions, but she was cursed to never be believed. I don’t know if Taylor did that intentionally, but if she did, that’s brilliant, and go to her. If not, it’s still pretty awesome. Even if it was unintentional. Great line from “The Prophecy” is “I got cursed like Eve got bitten.” She’s trying to change her own narrative. Then you have “Cassandra” after it with this great lyric: “So, they killed Cassandra first ’cause she feared the worst And tried to tell the town.”

“thanK you aIMee,” is brilliant. Not only the lyrics but the TITLE. How freaking clever is that? This is the most like, polite diss track ever. I do need people to chill the hell out with the lyric, “Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman, but she used to say she wished that you were dead.” IT IS A SONG. I don’t think that’s taking it too far, considering all the shit Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have said about Taylor. Has Kim ever come out and apologized? No, I don’t think she has. It is a song. It isn’t taking it too far. I can’t imagine how all that drama affected Taylor’s family.

Some underrated songs that deserve more hype: “Peter,” “Fresh Out of the Slammer,” “The Alchemy,” and “The Albatross.”

“Fortnight” is a great start to this album. I didn’t know I needed a collaboration between Post Malone and Taylor Swift until this moment. Some are dissing because Post Malone sounds more like backgrounds, but I don’t think so. It’s got just enough of him. Check out the video below!

I feel like this album somehow combines all of her previous albums and their sounds together and smushes it into one sound. A lot of people are saying it’s messy and repetitive. I don’t see it like that. I think this album really feels like growth to her. This album feels more personal than folklore, evermore, and Midnights were. Not that Midnights wasn’t personal, it was. Yet it felt more. . restrained? The Tortured Poets Department isn’t restrained. I like that. I like that she’s like, “Here’s all my emotions!” I feel like this album was really for her and not for the fans. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Okay, now I’m going to rant.

I need all of you to chill the hell out.

Listen, if you don’t like the album or Taylor Swift, that is okay! You are allowed to like and dislike whoever or whatever you want. You don’t, however, get to be an asshole to the people who DO like her. Seriously, the amount of HATE that has been online since TTPD dropped is insane. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Period. That doesn’t mean you get to be a jerk because someone doesn’t agree with you. PERIOD.

I don’t know why Taylor Swift triggers everyone so much. I really don’t. I’ve discussed this in a previous blog post. I don’t know if they don’t like her because she’s successful, because she’s a woman, or because she’s all over the news. .. like she doesn’t control the news, y’all? There are a lot of important things happening around the world right now, and yeah, they deserve coverage, and not her, but that’s not her fault? She doesn’t control the world, y’all. She’s not the Supreme Overlord. Like Jesus Christ, people.

You say “Taylor Swift,” and people are triggered like you said a curse word.

I hate this word with a fiery passion because it’s overused, but it’s so toxic. What is so wrong in your life that you feel the need to attack people on the internet because they like Taylor Swift? Are you that bored? Like, what? I don’t understand it.

Get over it, people.

If you don’t like the album or her, cool. You do you. Let us do us. Thank you.

Now, if you are a Swiftie, let me know what songs are your favorites! If you’re a casual listener, I want to know your favorite songs, too! If this is the first album of hers you’ve listened to, tell me what you think! We’ll probably have different opinions, but that’s okay! It’s all about respect. We don’t have to agree. But we should respect each other.

-K

A Happy New Era

Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, Fandom, Me, Movie/TV Reviews, Music, My Writing, Real Life, Taylor SwiftTagged , , , , , Leave a comment

So my BFF and I joked that my life is like a soap opera. She even came up with names for it. Living with the Todds. Or The Todds and I. We’re possibly in season three or four. I haven’t quite that out yet. Either way, as always in our household, when it rains, it pours. It has been a crazy year, yet also a good one. We’ve had ups and downs. The fun and the not-so-fun. I think that’s life, though. There’s good, and there’s bad. So I thought I’d do something different. I’ve never done a wrap-up on this blog, so why not do it this year? I’m gonna start a new tradition.

So, here’s 2023.

January, I started my last semester of graduate school in the Rhetoric and Writing program at UA Little Rock. But this was not to be the end of my educational career. (More on that later.)

February was a busy month for me, sort of. First, I went to the Little Rock Anime Con with my friend Latosha. We dressed up and were adorable as Shego (me) and Mirabel (her). Seriously, everyone ADORED her Mirabel costume. Next year, for Little Rock Anime Con, I think the plan is she will be Dolores, and I will be Isabel from Encanto. We always like to try to be characters that you may not see.

We also got to meet Dante Basco and Greg Baldwin. If you don’t know who they are, that’s okay. Dante Basco (left photo) played Rufio in Hook, Jake Long in American Dragon Jake Long and Zuko from The Last Airbender. Greg Baldwin (right photo) also played Uncle Iroh from The Last Airbender. They were both so sweet. I’ve met a few celebrities, and honestly, I haven’t had a bad experience with any celebrities I’ve met.

Latosha and I met these two girls and spent the rest of the anime con hanging out with them. We even chilled outside and ate pizza. Honestly, it was so wholesome. That’s why I love cons. You meet the people who like you love this stuff. I think that’s beautiful.

Also, in February, I went to the 2023 Conference on College Composition and Communication (CCCC) in Chicago, where I did something I’d never done before. . .I presented! If y’all don’t know me, I actually am terrible at speaking in front of me. I get nervous. This was a huge step for me.

I spoke on a panel with a few other professional/technical writing women. We discussed our educational journey and how it led us to get a professional/technical writing degree and prepared us for our current job positions. The panel was called “Career Options for Master’s Program Graduates: expanding Beyond Preparation for Ph.D. Work.” I found it interesting that the majority of us weren’t teaching composition. Also, two of us (including me) worked in accessibility. We don’t teach, yet we all work in higher education.

It was honestly a fantastic experience. I would definitely do it again. Was I nervous? It was nerve-wracking to go up there and speak, but once I got going, I did it. I was really proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone.

The theme for the 2023 conference was Doing Hope in Desperate Times. I attended sessions about therapy, writing, access, and inclusion. Which is good since my job is in disability and assistive technology.

That’s the mirror selfie I took before the conference. Did I intentionally wear my school colors of maroon and grey? Maybe a bit.

I also got to see my brother Tristan, his wife Natalie, and their daughter Ellie for a bit since they’re a 45-minute drive from Chicago. I ended up with a double bed, so I had space. Even though I only saw them for a few hours, it was still great to see them. We ordered some decent-tasting Chinese food and watched Law and Order: SVU (which is what I do now. . minus Chinese food).

After that, we had. . .March, which meant. . .TAYLOR SWIFT. Yes, that needed to be in all caps.

Before that, though, we finally got to have a baby shower for Pagan’s second baby. We didn’t get to have one for her daughter GG (Emery) because of COVID. (As I have said before, COVID ruins everything.) It was a lot of fun.

Obviously, Taylor Swift was a BLAST. Seriously, she was incredible. I had so much fun, and it is an experience I will never forget.

Before the concert, my friends were checking in because Arkansas was getting with major storms and a few tornadoes. So, I had some of my friends texting me and my coworkers.

And I’m like, y’all, I ain’t even in the state. I’m in Arlington, Texas, waiting for my concert to start. I shared a post saying I was okay and not even in the state, so everyone knew. Unfortunately a lot of people I knew got damaged from the tornados.

So Taylor Swift was awesome. Read this post for more on the concert.

Check out the cute videos of me singing some Taylor Swift songs at the concert!

Yes, I knew every word of every song. The women next to us kept asking what album is this? Not that I minded at all. I was happy to help. Maybe I’ll turn all the mini-videos into one long video for fun. Have some fun editing. If so, I’ll definitely share it. I miss video editing.

First, we have “Blank Space” from 1989 (Taylor’s Version). Can you see the sass in this song?

Then we have “The Man” from Lover. Honestly, the video of this song is still amazing.

As you can see, I had a lot of fun. I am now really amused by my exaggerated singing and the hand gestures. Also, my ponytail bouncing. On the other hand, I know I wasn’t the only Swiftie having a great time. If you haven’t checked out my TikTok channel, you should. My goal is to sing ALL of Taylor Swift’s songs.

Oh, and I totally predicted 1989 being the next album to be released. I said Speak Now at the concert since she only sang one song from that album (Enchanted), and then with all the action on her social media, yeah, I said 1989 was next. Who was right? This girl! So I have a feeling we’ll get reputation sometime in 2024, and then she’ll end with her debut album. We shall see.

April was. . . baby Elijah! Now, I’m not going to post a photo of him, but he was born April 11th, 2023. But first, let me tell you, this was a dramatic birth.

So, Pagan got admitted that Monday, I believe. This pregnancy had been super hard on her. They admitted her because of high blood pressure. So it’s like Monday night, we’re all chilling after dropping GG back with her daddy, Jason. Mom and I had just gotten to bed when she got a call from Pagan. Pagan is like freaking the fuck out because they are taking her into delivery, and she wants her husband NOW. 

So Mom gets up and is running around like a maniac, right? I come out of my bedroom right as she goes out the front door. . it was like a cartoon because I’m saying, “Mom, wait,” and. . she’s out the front door.

Where we don’t have a porch. (We have one now.)

While we were in Arlington for Taylor Swift, Jack had to take out the porch because all the wood was rotten.

So she walked out the front door and into the air. She fell like three feet and fucked up her knee. Like seriously. Jason (Pagan’s husband) messaged me, and he’s like did she fall out the door??? Meanwhile, Jack is like goddamn it, Wendy. Boy, you took out the porch! Mom leaves and gets Jason and GG. She takes Jason to the hospital and comes home with GG. We didn’t get to bed until like three in the morning because we were so worried about Pagan. Her old c-section scar opened, and there was bleeding. So we were obviously panicked.

But then, it was okay! Elijah Dean was born. Dean is after our grandpa Dean. Elijah Dean. God. He’s the cutest and sweetest baby. He’s got such a different temperament than his big sister.

A sad part of this tale. The same day Elijah Dean (or BB, which is “beautiful boy”) was born, Paul and Paige’s grandpa died. I’d like to think he waited just to make sure Pagan would be alright.

So April was baby!

Seriously, love him. Being an auntie is the best thing ever.

May was another busy month for me.

First, I went to court on May 10th. My aunt, whom I’ve called Mom and is the Mom mentioned in all of my blogs, officially adopted me! I’ve lived in Arkansas for ten years. My new name is Keely Ari-Rowan Todd! Then, on May 13th, I graduated from UA Little Rock with a master’s in professional and technical writing. It was a long road. I started the program in the middle of the pandemic, which really wasn’t ideal. I struggled for a few semesters, but I made it through. I am immensely proud of my final project, “I Don’t See You Anywhere.” My friend Ally and I are working on each other’s memoirs. It’s going to be such a fun experience. My goal is to one day publish my memoir in print form.

At the end of May/beginning of June, I went to the Scarborough Renaissance Festival in Waxahachie, Texas, with my BFF Caroline (I talk about her a lot). We also went to the Dallas Arboretum and Botanical Garden. We also saw our friend Paige and her now fiancee, Matt.

On day one of the Renaissance fair, I was a fairy. Check it out below.

What you don’t know is that the corset is holding up that dress. Lol. The dress is absolutely gorgeous and stunning. It’s a bit big on me, especially in the bust area. Mom and I were going to fix it, but because it’s so intricate (as you can see), we were afraid we’d fuck it up. Eventually, I want to take it and get it properly fitted to me.

As it was Texas, it was hot, but the first day wasn’t as bad as the second day.

The second day, I was a dragon, or according to all of the children, Maleficent.

I was DYING in all black. Seriously. Dying. It was so fucking hot. The horns did not help at all. I also kept tripping over the skirt. Constantly. There were a few moments I thought I was going to faceplant. I didn’t but it was a concern. However, it was well worth it because I felt like a badass.

As I said, we also went to the Dallas Arboretum and Botanical Garden. I’m a sucker for plants (even though I kill them. . .). Something I learned was that there are different types of weeping willow trees! I had no idea about this. There are over a hundred different types of weeping willows.

Those are just a few of the photos I took. I took a lot. Hello, photographer.

The rest of the summer passed by slowly and boring, really.

Then we got the first semester of social work!

That’s right, ya’ll. I am a masochist, and after I graduated with one master’s, I turned right back around and started a new one! I might possibly be insane. Also, can I just say? I tell EVERYONE that after this, I am done, and EVERYONE is like, yeah, sure, Keely. Like, what the fuck, guys? I SWEAR I AM DONE AFTER THIS.

September! Oh, September. We got the Arkansas Comic Con! We picked up my little brother Camron (he will be 15 in April), and we had some fun with my friend Latosha. She dressed as Kim Possible (which is so funny since I was Shego at Little Rock Anime Con), and I was a very last-minute Harley Quinn. The highlight of this year’s comic con, though, was. . .

THIS!

That’s right! I got to meet Felicia Day, aka Charlie Bradbury from Supernatural! She was so sweet and kind and even more gorgeous in person! Her death made me sob. Meeting her was so awesome. I may never get to meet Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, but at least I can say I met her!

Yes, I was Harley Quinn. The plan was going to be Rogue, but I couldn’t be due to money. Don’t worry, I’ll be her at some point.

If I could, I’d quit everything and be a professional cosplayer. I have so much fun being these characters and putting my own spin on it.

Also, in September, I saw Matilda the Musical at Wildwood Park for the Arts. Latosha and I went, and we were blown away! The most incredible thing was that I wrote a review for the musical on Broadway World! That’s right! Broadway World. The lady who usually does reviews for Wildwood liked my review so much that she said she’d reach out if she needed me to fill in again. Here’s the review. I am incredibly proud of it.

October, we, of course, had a month of Halloween! But if you want to see that, you must check out Instagram or TikTok. My Instagram handle is keelyreeves. My TikTok channel is @keelytodd2. There, you can also check out my version of so many of Taylor Swift’s songs.

My mom and I also went to see SIX the Musical. It was so much fun! Check out my review here.

Aren’t we cute?

My favorite song of the musical was “I Don’t Need Your Love,” but “Heart of Stone” also shined. I think I’ll make going to musicals and concerts Mom and I’s thing. I mean, it sort of already is our thing. At some point, I will take her to see The Nutcracker. Next year we are going to see Stevie Nicks! And *crosses fingers* if I can wing it, maybe Chris Stapleton. (Maybe. If the tickets aren’t sold out when he comes here.)

November was boring. I mean, finals. I made Bs in both my classes. I could’ve done better but I’m satisfied with Bs. It sounds so silly since I’ve been in school since 2014, but I’m just now figuring out what works for me. Let me tell you. Planners? Yeah, they do not work. But Google Calendar? That works for me. I just started late in doing that. Semester? I totally got this.

I ended the year with another concert at the beginning of December. My friend Dakota and I went to see Theory of a Deadman and Skillet. He was there for Skillet, and I was there for Theory of a Deadman. Now, y’all don’t know me, but Theory of a Deadman was my jam in high school (and middle school). Along with Three Days Grace, Paramore, Evanescence, Avril Lavigne, Panic at the Disco, and Fall Out Boy. Yes, I was an emo-goth kid. I still am a goth kid, just, you know, more mature. *laughs hysterically*

I got us some damn good seats. Like we were one row away from being on the floor. We had the stage directly in front of us. It was perfect. Also, considering I was still sick, it was nice to not have anyone in front of me. I’m kind of short so even if I stood up, it would probably not go well. Just saying.

The opening band was Saint Asonia. I’d heard their songs even if I didn’t know who they were. Well, they honestly stole the show. They were incredible. The best part though was the fact the lead singer was once the lead singer in Three Days Grace. . .and he sang two of Three Days Grace songs!

Here’s “I Hate Everything About You.” Yes, I scream-singed this song even though I had a cold and lost my voice. It was well worth it.

Theory of a Deadman was just yes. This is my favorite song.

My friend Angela and I (you know her from my Twilight blog series) used to turn this on so loud and dance. Once, we were having so much that we missed an earthquake. Mind you, earthquakes aren’t that common in Oklahoma, but still. It was funny.

So that’s it.

That’s my year in review. As you can see, it was a busy, hectic year. Yet it was fun. I can’t wait to see what 2024 brings. Who knows? I know I don’t know.

Here’s my Spotify Wrap-Up. Check it out!

Tell me about your year in the comments! What happened? What was your favorite part?

Until next year!

-K

What Box Do I Check? (Why Is There a Box?)

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You know the box I’m talking about. Whether you are filling out a job application, a college application, or any of them, the one that asks you two questions: What is your race? What is your ethnicity? All of my life, I have filled this out the same way. I always click the box saying not Hispanic or Latino for ethnicity, and then for race, I click the box for white. While my biological mother, Heather, liked to say that my biological father, Michael, had some Indigenous American and Mexican, I didn’t know if this was legit. Thus, I always put those answers. I didn’t know otherwise. Why would I put something else?

Growing up, Tristan and I looked the most alike. Dark hair and dark eyes, and we could tan. Out of all my siblings, Tristan and I look the most alike. According to Michael (our biological dad), Samantha and I look a lot alike. Samantha is our little sister. She’s nineteen. We haven’t seen her since she was a baby. Kody (19) is dark-haired and pale with some icy blue eyes. Chloe (24) is a ginger with freckles and big old hazel eyes. Camron (14) has sandy blonde/light brown hair and gray-blue eyes. Heather is pale with light eyes and typically has blonde hair, but she’s a natural brunette. Light-haired brunette, mind you. Tristan and I’s Aunt Marcy used to joke that everyone thought I was her kid when she’d babysat me. Since she and I looked more alike.

The photo above is from March 23rd, 2019, so four years old, but you can see that we don’t look a lot alike. Starting from the left, we have Kody (in the gray and black shirt), then we have Camron (turquoise shirt), then Chloe, and then me in the blue shirt. Behind Chloe and me is Brian, my stepdad, and Chloe, Kody, and Camron’s biological dad. Then you got Tristan off to the side.

No one ever believes that Chloe and I are related because we look nothing alike. I’m all dark-haired and dark-eyed, and there she is, all gorgeous with her big hazel eyes and freckles. Yes, I’m jealous of her freckles.

The point is, we don’t look like.

I hung out with the Latinas and Hispanic girls in high school, especially at Memorial High School. When I first met these girls, they assumed I could speak Spanish. When I was in Washington D.C. in 2018, the Puerto Ricans, those from Spain, and basically anyone who came from a Spanish-speaking country all assumed that I could also speak Spanish. For most of my life, a lot of people have assumed that I am not white. I had a friend ask me once if I was mixed since she said I have facial features that are similar to Indigenous Americans and those from Spain. She didn’t say it in a rude way, more like she was curious.

A few years ago, at the start of the pandemic, I decided to do 23&Me. I’ll admit my results were surprising.

Here are my results. This is a general breakdown. We’ll get to the significant breakdown in a few.

European – 86.5

Indigenous American – 7.1

East Asian – 4.3

Western Asian & North African – 1.5

Unassigned – 0.6

Interesting, right? Turns out I am an Indigenous American. Now, 23&Me doesn’t tell you what tribe. However, it states that my ancestors come from the Sonoran Desert, including Baja California, Sonora, and Sinaloa in northwestern Mexico. I think that’s really interesting. (I need a better word.) The Spanish wasn’t a surprise. Though I’ll admit, having some Asian ancestry was surprising.

Let’s break this down further.

Are you ready for this?

European – 86.5

Northwestern European – 76.7

  • British & Irish 50.9
  • French & German – 21.6
  • Broadly Northwestern European – 4.2 (no idea what this means)

Southern European – 8.8

  • Spanish & Portuguese – 5.6
  • Italian – 0.4
  • Broadly Southern European – 2.8 (no idea what this means)

Broadly European – 1.0 (again, no idea what this means)

East Asian – 4.3

Filipino & Austronesian – 3.0

Chinese – 1.3

Western Asian & North African – 1.5

North African – 0.9

Broadly Western Asian & North African – 0.6 (no idea what this means)

Now, you’ve noticed the unassigned, right? That 0.6%? According to 23&Me, it could be Mexico and Central America. I find it curious that it didn’t categorize that with the Indigenous Americans since, according to them, my Indigenous roots come from the Mexico region. I wonder why this is?

Tristan has done Ancestry, not 23&Me. He sent me his results, and I thought I’d share them. He wants to do 23&Me, and I want to do Ancestry to compare.

Tristan’s Results:

Ireland – 25

Scotland – 20

Germanic Europe – 19

England & Northwestern Europe – 10

Indigenous Americas/Mexico – 7

Sweden & Denmark – 3

Norway – 3

Basque – 3

Wales – 2

Northern Africa – 1

Levant – 1

Southern China – 1

Western Philippines – 1

Baltics – 1

France – 1

Portugal – 1

Indigenous Americas/Yucatan Peninsula – less than 1

We both found it interesting that I had more Portuguese than him. I had 5.6%, while he had 1%. We both had the same percentage of Indigenous Americans however. We’ll have to compare them again at some point. We’ve both heard that 23&Me is actually more accurate. We’ll have to see when he does his.

Since I’ve done this 23&Me, I’ve been torn.

What box do I check?

Do I continue to check white? Do I continue to check whether it is Hispanic or Latino?

The definition of race is this: a group of people of common ancestry, distinguished from others by physical characteristics, such as hair type, color of eyes and skin, stature, etc.

The definition of ethnicity is this: the quality or fact of belonging to a population group or subgroup made up of people who share a common cultural background or descent.

It is evident through my DNA that I have Indigenous American ancestry. Can I claim that ancestry, that culture? Even though I’m not a part of it? Even though I have no connection to it except through blood? Muddled blood? Can I claim any of these cultures even though I am not a part of them? All of them have rich histories and their own traditions. Can I claim that as mine? When I don’t know their struggles? I don’t know what they have been through?

That question has been running at the back of my mind. More than what box do I check. How can I claim a culture I am not a part of? I’d love to know more about my Indigenous heritage. I want to learn more. But where do I even begin? How do I say I am not trying to appropriate your beautiful culture? Instead, I am trying to understand. I am trying to connect to my family history since my family history is shrouded in so much uncertainty. Or maybe it’s more than that.

Maybe a part of me is searching for a community.

A place to belong.

So perhaps, I keep checking the same boxes I’ve checked since elementary school. Maybe one day, I’ll find a way to connect to my Indigenous American ancestry.

But another thought. Why does it matter my race? My ethnicity? Why is there even a box? Is it for data? What’s the point of the box in the first place? Just food for thought.

-K

The Dual Impact of AI on Our World – Navigating the Positives and Negatives

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In the past few years, AI has blown up. Whether it’s AI portraits, AI writing, or something else, it’s all over. ChatGPT came out last November, and suddenly professors had to figure out how to prevent their students from using it. It’s been a major topic in a Facebook group I follow. It’s also been addressed in my social work classes too. One professor said we could ChatGPT to brainstorm, while another made it clear if we got caught using ChatGPT, we’d immediately get an F. She then stated that she wouldn’t know if we had or not. AI is going to have a serious impact on our world. Just as the Internet shifted our world, AI is going to do the same. The debate on whether this is a good or bad thing is still going on.

A few weeks ago, I decided to play around with the free version of ChatGPT. I was bored at work since we were slow. I spent the entire day fooling around on ChatGPT. This is what I learned.

First, you have to be very specific on what you want the AI to do, or it won’t give you what you want. The more details you have, the more it can give you.

Second, while it’s impressive, you can tell that it wasn’t written by a human. The writing is basic and bland. It is missing the emotion behind the writing.

Third, while it is basic and bland, it could be helpful to brainstorm ideas. However, I will say after a while, it starts to repeat the same ideas. It’s like the AI is buffering, trying to come up with something, but as it’s just a bunch of numbers and lines and dots and dashes (don’t ask me how it works, I’m not a coder or a programmer) it can only give so much.

Now, I won’t lie, I had a lot of fun playing around with ChatGPT. I used it mostly to generate titles for fanfictions and fiction stories. I am notoriously bad at naming things. I typed in what I wanted, and it generated some ideas.

Here’s an example.

So I typed in: Give me a title for a blog on AI.

This is the first title it gave me.

“Beyond the Code: Navigating the Frontiers of Artificial Intelligence”

I didn’t like it so I clicked the generate more button, which, if you haven’t used ChatGPT, it’s the circle with the arrow symbol.

“Unveiling the Future: Navigating the Landscape of Artificial Intelligence”

A better title, right?

Now, let’s get a little more specific.

I typed in: Give me a title for a blog on AI and how it will affect our world in negative and positive ways.

More specific, right?

Here’s what it gave me. I generated a few options.

“AI Horizons: Balancing the Blessings and Burdens of a Technological Tomorrow”

“The Dual Edge of Progress: AI’s Impact on Our World, from Blessings to Challenges”

“Balancing Act: The Dual Impact of AI on Our World – Navigating the Positives and Negatives”

As you can see, it has some repetition. It’s great for brainstorming but perhaps not the best for original thoughts after a while.

I had a lot of fun when I asked it to write some songs for Stranger Things fanfiction. I typed in: Write a rock ballad about the singer wanting to propose but being afraid to do so, how he and his girl have been through a lot, but it’s all been worth it to get to this moment, use the phrase, “the question.”

Here’s what it gave me:

(Verse 1)

In the stillness of the night, I hold your hand so tight,

Underneath the starry sky, with you, everything’s so right,

We’ve journeyed through the storms, and we’ve faced the darkest fears,

But now I stand before you, babe, with these trembling hopes and tears.

(Pre-Chorus)

You and I, we’ve climbed the highest mountains,

Faced the coldest winds, crossed the roughest seas,

Our love’s a fire that forever keeps on burning,

But this fear inside of me is more than I can bear.

(Chorus)

So, I’m standing here tonight, beneath the moonlight’s gentle glow,

With a promise in my heart, I’m afraid to let it show,

The question that’s been haunting me, I’ll ask you if I dare,

Darlin’, I want you to know how much I really care.

(Verse 2)

Through the storms we’ve weathered and the battles we’ve fought,

In your eyes, I found the strength, your love’s all that I’ve sought,

And though the world may doubt us, and the critics have their say,

With you, I’ve found a love that’s worth the price we had to pay.

(Pre-Chorus)

You and I, we’ve climbed the highest mountains,

Faced the coldest winds, crossed the roughest seas,

Our love’s a fire that forever keeps on burning,

But this fear inside of me is more than I can bear.

(Chorus)

So, I’m standing here tonight, beneath the moonlight’s gentle glow,

With a promise in my heart, I’m afraid to let it show,

The question that’s been haunting me, I’ll ask you if I dare,

Darlin’, I want you to know how much I really care.

(Bridge)

As I hold this trembling hand, reaching for your soul,

I hope you’ll see the love I feel, the truth that makes me whole,

All the pain we’ve overcome, all the tears we’ve shared,

Now I’m on my knees, darlin’, and I hope that you’ll be there.

(Chorus)

So, I’m standing here tonight, beneath the moonlight’s gentle glow,

With a promise in my heart, I’m afraid to let it show,

The question that’s been haunting me, I’ll ask you if I dare,

Darlin’, I want you to know how much I really care.

(Outro) With a ring of gold and a love so bold,

I’m asking you, my love, to be with me ’til we’re old,

The question that’s been haunting me, I’ll ask you if I dare,

Darlin’, I want you to know how much I really care.

Is it perfect? Definitely not. Would I rewrite this and make it my own? Definitely. However, it gives a nice base. Though I’d never just use this. As I said, it’s missing the emotion. I also noticed that, at times, ChatGPT sounds a bit silted. People don’t write how they speak typically, and it can’t replicate that. So it comes off awkward or a bit too formal when that’s not what you want.

The problem with AI is that, well, there are a few.

As I said, it’s basic and bland. It’s repetitive. It’s awkward. AI can’t capture how someone speaks or how they write. They can’t capture the emotion behind the text. Is it a useful tool for brainstorming or for fun? Sure. Should it be used for actual writing? No. Base, sure. Actual writing? No. It has flaws. Did I put in some fanfiction and see where it took it? Yes. Some of it was helpful, while others were less helpful. I get stuck writing like all writers do, so I used ChatGPT to try to get unstuck. It worked. More or less. Some of it did not work. It made assumptions. AI can’t read my mind and know where I’m going with a fanfiction or an original story.

Would I ever just use what ChatGPT wrote? Hell no. I’d use it as inspiration but not use the writing itself. More of a base. But I’d never just use what ChatGPT wrote and claim it as my own.

Let’s be real, I have issues with ghostwriters. Not because they’re bad writers. They aren’t. My problem with ghostwriters is that the author gets the credit while the ghostwriter does not. (But that is an entirely different blog post.)

AI writing is not writing. I don’t consider it writing. Programs like ChatGPT open the stage for people to let it write for them when it isn’t their original thoughts. As a writer, I have issues with this. Writing is difficult. This would be like cheating.

Part of the writers’ strike was because of their fear AI would take their jobs for them. Can you imagine a show being completely written by AI? Yeah, that’d be awful. Now, sure, ChatGPT can do some cool shit. One person put in the entire Song of Fire and Ice books to predict what the last books would be. Now, of course those have since been deleted because of copyright, and George R. R. Martin probably got in a tizzy. Totally get that.

Another issue is actors’ and singers’ likenesses being replicated through AI. This can open the doors for writers to lose their jobs. Why hire a writer when AI can do the same thing? It can’t. It misses the emotion. Also, if an actor doesn’t want to return to a role, what’s to keep the director from creating their likeness? Ai is seriously going to shift the creative world. especially with movies, music, writing, and art. We’ve already got singers who are allowing their voices to be replicated using an AI.

So now that we’ve talked about ChatGPT, let’s discuss AI art. Now, I’ve used an AI portrait maker for uh, another fanfiction (don’t judge me). It was fun.

Here’s an example.

I typed in “goddess of creation” into a free AI art maker, and this is what it gave me. (I can’t remember which one. There’s so many AI generative art websites.)

Pretty right? Here’s another one using NightCafe. I typed in “goddess of creation” as well.

Also pretty.

Now, would I ever claim it as MY art?

No.

Never.

As an artist, I know how long it takes to create something. I have spent hours painting a barn. I have spent hours coloring a Medusa drawing and adding in details. (See both below).

The barn was done with acrylic paint on canvas. Medusa was done in Prismacolors on paper.

The point is, even though the other two are both super cool, I would never claim them as my art. I didn’t spend my blood, sweat, and tears drawing or painting them. I typed in some words, and they were generated. Poof. That’s it.

AI art is not art. It takes away from true artists. Can you have fun with things like NightCafe? Oh, most definitely.

Check out some cool fandom portraits AI created.

Game of Thrones Characters via AI

Harry Potter Characters via AI

Aren’t those cool? I haven’t read A Song of Ice and Fire, so I didn’t know how much they aged up the characters in Game of Thrones. Also, I loved my mom when she saw these. She’s like, wait, Sirius Black is handsome? What? I mean, no offense to Gary Oldman, loved him as Sirius, but he’s not how I pictured Sirius Black. The Black family was known for all being ridiculously handsome and beautiful. Even Bellatrix and Sirius after Azkaban were still considered good-looking. I told Mom, “Yes, Sirius Black was a Snack.”

I digress.

Can AI do some cool things? Yeah, it can. However, it is going to have, or rather, it already has had, a major impact on the creative world. It is going to change the way we think about media, such as TV shows, movies, art, writing, etc. Perhaps at some point, creators will become obsolete because AI will become so good that who needs writers and artists and, hell, even actors? What about singers? But we have to consider that the information an AI gets may not be accurate. AI could lean into tropes and stereotypes that we don’t want to encourage.

AI affects all of us. whether you are a student, an artist, a writer, a teacher, an actor, a businessman, etc. Just as the Internet has had a profound change in our world, AI will do the same.

We may look at AI in movies and think it’s so cool. Who wouldn’t want a J.A.R.V.I.S. or a F.R.I.D.A.Y? AI has been seen by media often depicted as either good or evil. Such as in movies like WALL-E, The Matrix, The Terminator, M3GAN, and so many others. But the real-world consequences are serious. This isn’t a comic book. AI can be both good and bad. How we use it is dependent on which side wins. This conversation about AI is ongoing, and it will keep on going. While I do see some benefits for AI, I can also see its downfalls. It is a major slippery slope. We will have to wait and see how AI unfolds and how it changes our world in the years to come.

I found some interesting articles on CNN that I thought I’d share.

Everything you need to know about AI but were too afraid to ask

Here’s how AI can — and can’t — help you look for a job

Teen responds to classmate creating AI nudes of female students

These books are being used to train AI. No one told the authors

What are your thoughts on AI? Let me know in the comments!

-K

A Beautiful Sun-Like River

Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, I Don't See You Anywhere (A Memoir), Me, My Writing, Real LifeTagged , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Arkansas, Age 28

My last name has been “Todd” on Facebook for so long that my professors and my friends naturally assume that that’s my actual last name.

It’s not, legally, at least. I don’t know when I changed it on Facebook, but I do know that changing it felt good.

Even though my maternal grandparents’ last name is Reeves, as is my uncle’s, and it’s my aunt’s maiden name, not seeing “Reeves” makes me feel. . . .relieved.

I’ve spent my whole life attached to that name and never being attached to the woman who gave it to me.

I started dyeing my hair because as I got older, I started to look more and more like my mother.

We have the same smile. We smile widely, showing off our gums.

There’s no denying that we’re related. We look alike. Everyone always says, “You look just like your mother.” So I dyed my hair. It’s been every color. I’ve had it long and then very short. All because I didn’t want to be like her. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see her.

I rejected the girly outfits. I dove into being seen as a Goth and tomboy. Perhaps part of it was because I knew she didn’t like it. A form of rebellion. Over time though, I embraced my goth nerdy style.

I didn’t want to be anything like Heather.

I don’t drink because of her. And when I do, I’m always so scared that it’ll be too much and I’ll be a drunk like her.

I told Mom that I wanted to change my last name legally before I graduated with my master’s in professional and technical writing. I explained to her that Heather has had nothing to do with my education. She has had no part in the fact that I have two bachelor’s, soon to be one master’s, and starting another master’s program. There is no part of me that Heather contributed to.

I’m here because of myself and the people, like Mom and my friends, who have helped me along the way.

Mom did some research, and she told me that she could actually adopt me. I remember feeling overcome with emotions. I think I may have cried (even if I didn’t tell her that, but she probably knew) because, at 28, I didn’t think I could be adopted. I didn’t know that was a thing. She asked if that was something I wanted, and I said yes.

That’s what I wanted. For her to adopt me.

I asked her if I could change my middle name too. It’s currently Nicole. I’ve always hated my middle name because I have a really cool first name, but Nicole. Nearly all my friends in high school had that same middle name. I always felt like Nicole didn’t suit me.

I chose Rowan. Rowan is of Scottish, Irish origin, which means obviously rowan tree or little redhead. I’ve been a fake redhead since middle school, and though I’m mostly back to being a brunette, it’s a nice callback. A rowan tree symbolizes courage, wisdom, and protection and is also known in mythology as the Tree of Life. I thought it suited me.

Mom also suggested “Artemis” since she knows that’s a nickname I had in school. Artemis, the Greek goddess of wild animals, the hunt, and vegetation and of chastity and childbirth.

So we were going to go with Artemis Rowan. So my name would be “Keely Artemis Rowan Todd.” (That spells out KART or KAT if you hyphen Artemis-Rowan). But then Mom came up with “Ari-Rowan.” Ari means “sun-like,” while Rowan can mean “river or tree.”

It felt nice that she chose my new middle name. To know that she’s the one who chose this name and it has a meaning that it suits me.

A beautiful sun-like river.

That’s me.

Parental Repercussions

Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, I Don't See You Anywhere (A Memoir), Me, My WritingTagged , , , , , , 1 Comment

Oklahoma, Age 23

“I’m sorry, Keely.”

Those were the first words out of my brother’s mouth after he swallowed an entire bottle of pills.

I couldn’t tell you what the pills were, only that he took the whole bottle.

Perhaps it was a bottle of pain pills from Ted’s stash for his back. The ones that he once accused me of stealing. Perhaps it was a bottle of aspirin. Either way, my brother had swallowed an entire bottle.

Heather called me that day. I almost didn’t answer the phone. She and I hadn’t talked in a while.

“Your brother is in the hospital. He tried to kill himself,” she said.

No greeting. No ease into the conversation. Straight to the point.

Those words stopped me cold.

I walked into the living room with the phone pressed to my ear as I grabbed a pack of cigarettes. I could feel Mom’s eyes on me as I held the cigarette in my trembling hand, waiting for her to light it. She did.

I took a slow drag, wrinkling my nose at the foul taste. Sour. Ashy. But I needed the nicotine.

“What happened?” I asked.

Heather told me what happened in between her wondering how he could do this to her and how this happened to her. Like this was about her.

Tristan had sent weird text messages to our sister, Chloe. Chloe called Twyla and told her to check on Tristan. The rest of the conversation is a blur. He wasn’t breathing when the EMTs first came to the house. His stomach had to be pumped at the hospital.

Those two things stuck with me.

But the clearest memory of that day is that the first words Tristan said to me after he tried to end his life were, “I’m sorry, Keely.”

My voice cracked. I didn’t know what to say, but I tried.

“You don’t have to be sorry. You don’t have to apologize. Ever. You just get better. Yeah?”

“Yeah. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Arkansas, Age 28

Tristan was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

He said that it’s nice to know why he’s always felt so wrong. Yet, I know that he also struggles because he’s a recovering addict, who has to rely on pills to stay stable.

He told me that he remembers Heather taking him to a doctor. She even admitted that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was a teenager, but she didn’t want to label him.

His drug use correlates with him trying to feel normal and trying to regulate his disorder.

He’s an adult. He can make his own choices, but I know that a lot of his problems come from our mother. I didn’t realize how much until a few months ago when I found out that the first bag of cocaine Tristan did he got from Heather.

Yeah. That’s right.

Our mother gave him his first hard drugs.

All of the hope I had went down the drain.

Arkansas, Age 26

“I’m tired of feeling so depressed and then turning to drugs and alcohol,” said Tristan. He started crying. “Ellie makes me smile. She makes it better.”

He told me how he’s started going to therapy for substance and drug abuse.

“I’m really proud of you,” I told him. “That is a huge step. I’m so proud of you, Tristan.”

He started crying again. “Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.” After we get off the phone, I texted him those exact words.

I’m so proud of you, Tristan.

Musicophile

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When my BFF Caroline and I were in Dallas for a Renaissance fair (yes, we are that kind of nerd) in May, we went to a piano bar. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a piano bar, but they play whatever songs are requested. Let me tell you, I’ve been to Willie D’s here in Arkansas, and I wasn’t impressed. The one in Dallas? Damn. Now that was a piano bar. I sang along to every single song. This guy behind us noticed, and before he left, he said he was impressed with the range of songs I knew. The piano bar played everything from Marvin Gaye to Afroman to Backstreet Boys. I knew every song. It reminded me of when we were in DC, and they had outside karaoke, and I knew every single song there too. No one doubted my music knowledge after that.

I love music. I know so many songs. So many genres. So many artists. I have 5,416 songs liked on my Spotify playlist. I’m always listening to music and always looking for new music. So I thought I’d share my On Repeat songs.

Here they are. Maybe you’ll find a new song you’re obsessed with. Or even a new artist. I think even my On Repeat playlist does a good job of showing the variety of music I like.

  1. labour by Paris Paloma
  2. Unthinkable by Cloudy June
  3. Running Up That Hill by DIAMANTE
  4. Paint Me Gold by Oh, Be Clever
  5. Wither on the Vine by Freya Ridings
  6. Little Girl Gone by CHINCHILLA
  7. Iris by DIAMANTE
  8. Break In by Halestorm
  9. Bitter by Freya Ridings
  10. BABY SAID by Maneskin
  11. What’s Coming to Me by Dorothy
  12. Howl by Florence + The Machine
  13. That’s What You Get by Paramore
  14. Heroin(e) by Eva Under Fire
  15. Scream My Name by Tove Lo
  16. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
  17. not my problem by TAELA
  18. Raise Hell by Dorothy
  19. Electric Touch by Taylor Swift ft. Fall Out Boy
  20. Be U Wish U Had Me Back by Halestorm
  21. And So It Went by The Pretty Reckless
  22. psychofreak by Camila Cabello ft. WILLOW
  23. Flawless by Dorothy
  24. Do It Like A Girl by Morgan St. Jean
  25. Why’d You Bring A Shotgun To The Party by The Pretty Reckless
  26. When Emma Falls in Love by Taylor Swift
  27. crushcrushcrush by Paramore
  28. What I Want by MUNA
  29. Every Time You Leave by I Prevail ft. Delaney Jane
  30. Siuil a Run by Celtic Woman