Fandom – The Inner Workings

True Blood vs. The Southern Vampire Mysteries

September 20, 2021Posted in Fandom, Movie/TV ReviewsTagged Alexander Skarsgard, Anna Paquin, Bill Compton, Eric Northman, Sookie Stackhouse, Stephen Moyer, The Southern Vampire Mysteries, True BloodLeave a comment

Books that turn are turned into movies or TV shows are always a hit or miss. It’s just a fact. (Please don’t even get me started on Eragon, Vampire Academy or Maximum Ride. Those are all horrible movies.) You read a book, you find out it’s going to be a movie or a TV show and you can’t help but be excited. I mean you’ve read the books, you have imagined how the characters look and everything. But what about the movies or shows that you watch and you didn’t know it was a book?

Take Mortal Engines for example. We watched it on Sling one day. It was. . .well, we were already past the dystopian young adult movies, so really, it came out at the wrong time. The Hunger Games, The Maze Runner and the Divergent series had already been released and over and done with. (Not that the Divergent series went anywhere compared to The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner. Or you know, that the last book even got turned into a movie. Instead they just kind of left you standing there like “That’s it?” But of course I didn’t like the Divergent movies because they were boring as hell.)

Check out the trailer for Mortal Engines below.

The problem with Mortal Engines, besides it being released after the dystopian rage, was that it left you with too many questions that never got answered, and frankly, it was boring. Not even Hugo Weaving could save that move. And it’s Hugo. Weaving. You know the guy who has played Agent Smith in The Matrix, Megatron in the Transformers franchise, and you know Elrond in The Lord of the Rings. And due to how boring it was — seriously, there was no sense of urgency or like any connection to the characters — I now don’t want to read the book. Eventually, I’ll probably get to it. But today we aren’t discussing the movies or TV shows that made me not want to read the book. Instead, we are going to discuss a show that made me want to read the books. Today we are going to talk about True Blood.

True Blood was an HBO show that ran from September 7, 2008 to August 24, 2014. Much like with The Vampire Diaries, I actually watched a few episodes in high school but never watched it from the beginning. (Stay tuned for a blog post comparing True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. Maybe. Eventually. If I get to it. I have a massive list.) We’d play it on the background while playing cards games and getting high. You know, the way high school students did.

The scene that I most vividly remember from True Blood is in the first season where Jason Stackhouse goes to the hospital and has to have his dick drained of blood because he stupidly took too much V (vampire blood which is like a drug in this universe) and they uh, did this by. . .stabbing his dick with a huge ass fucking needle.

Yeah, a scene like that would definitely stick with you, I imagine.

Around two years or so ago, I actually watched the entire show from start to finish. After I finished the show, I found out that it was based off The Southern Vampire Mysteries series. So fall 2018 while I was in Washington D.C. for an internship, I read all thirteen books while on my commute to and from my internship. And wow. Let me just say, HBO missed out by not following the books to the T.

Now here’s the thing.

The show isn’t bad. It’s not. I liked it. Sure, it totally lost me with the Billith thing in like season six and what even was that season finale for season seven. But it’s not a bad show. The problem is. . . .well a few things.

When it comes to True Blood, you aren’t in it for the main character, Sookie Stackhouse, played by Anna Paquin (who also played Rogue in the X-Men movies but my comments on her Rogue is best left unsaid. The whole if you have nothing nice to say thing. Though really, it’s not her fault as it’s the directors for that horrible depiction of my favorite X-Men.) Sookie, frankly, is annoying in the show. She’s grating, always needs saving and most of the time, causes more problems than she helps. In the books, she’s slightly more tolerable because she actually does something instead of just getting in everyone’s way. But again, only slightly.

You’re also not there for her love interest, Bill Compton played by Stephen Moyer (who is actually married to Anna Paquin and they have kids). Stephen Moyer also played the dad, Reed Strucker, in the short-lived show (which was tragic because it’s great), The Gifted which was about mutants. How funny is it that his wife played a mutant and he ended up playing one too?

The point is that when you compare Bill fucking Compton to Eric fucking Northman. . .there really is no competition. Bill is boring. He’s Boring Bill. Seriously. No woman in her right mind would choose Bill Compton over Eric Northman. (Or you know Bill Compton over Alcide Herveaux but we’ll get to him in a minute.) And this isn’t just because he’s played by Alexander Skarsgard (known for The Legend of Tarzan, Big Little Lies, The Stand and a Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” video. Seriously, he’s in it. Who are we more jealous of? Lady Gaga or Alexander Skarsgard? Probably both.) Okay. That’s a lie. Maybe a little bit (a lot), but watch the show and tell me that you wouldn’t chose Eric Northman. Even in the books, Eric is so superior to Bill Compton.

Compare the two below.

See what I mean?

And it’s not just their looks, I promise.

Bill is so. . .I already said boring. He’s that but I need another word. He’s like. . .cardboard. He’s a cardboard cutout. He has no use. No purpose. He’s just there, and you kind of hope there will be more to him but you dig and dig and dig so more but. . . .there’s. . . . Yeah, I was trying to think of something that Boring Bill brings, but I got nothing. There’s nothing to him. Nothing but boring, bland cardboard cutout-ness. Not to mention a dash of creepy. Okay. More than a dash. He’s creepy from the get go, come on. Because he’s not just boring and bland, oh no.

He’s a creeper.

He’s a creeper stalker type. He intentionally lets Sookie get attacked by the Rats so he has to give her his blood. He’s all “Sookeh! I must protect you!” But also. . .he’s so controlling and demanding. He treats her like she’s stupid, And yeah, okay, sometimes she is, but while I don’t necessarily like her character all that much, she can more or less take care of herself. My theory is that Bill is used to the women he grew up with when he was human during the Civil War era. You know, the perfect wives who did everything their husbands told them to do. And like. . .that’s so not Sookie? She does what she wants, and when she wants. Which is why I never got the whole so in love thing with Bill Compton. Like, ew. No.

Also, what is up with the main chick going for the creepy stalker dude? Like why? No, baby, no. That is not a healthy relationship, and yes, I get it’s fiction, but come on. Show some reality here. (*coughs* Twilight. But that is another blog post.)

Bill Compton came to Bon Temps to seduce Sookie because his Queen, Sophie Ann wanted a telepath. There’s also the manner of Sookie being part fairy which gives her magical powers and blood that is like crack to vampires. It can make a vampire a Daylighter for like a few hours but then it fades. Everything Bill does is because he’s trying to earn Sookie’s trust. He wants to be her knight in shining armor. How does he do that? By lying and manipulating her. Then he claims to love her. Like no, dude. No. Fuck you.

That’s not to say Sookie’s other love interest is like the best guy for her, because honestly, he’s not. (We’ll get to who the like best guy is in a moment.) And really, Eric Northman, though definitely better than Boring Bill, probably wouldn’t make the best boyfriend. But at least he’s honest.

More or less.

He finds out Sookie is a telepath and he uses her, yes, but at least he’s honest about it, you know. Which I can appreciate it. Eric doesn’t try to be anything he’s not, and I like that in a man. (Apparently. Read: Damon Salvatore. Oh god, I have a type. In fictional guys at least. When it comes to in real life guys, I date gamers.)

Now, look, I love me some Eric Northman. Eric is an all around badass. Seriously, he gets you from the first time you see him. Even before you hear him talk, and you only see him, I swear your eyebrows go way, way, way up and you’re like “Oh, heellllloooo. Who are you?” Sure, Eric does a lot of bad things, let’s not sugarcoat it. I wouldn’t say he was a ‘good’ guy. (I mean, neither is Bill, honestly.) He does what he wants that hopefully benefit him and the people he cares about. He does a lot of horrible things. Such as: dismember a human in front of Lafayette, torture Lafayette, (just. . .poor Lafayette), uses Sookie because of her telepathy, lets Russell Edington drink from Sookie to get his (Eric’s) revenge, buys Sookie’s house in a stalker-y way because he wants her, and the list goes on. And on.

But here’s the thing (I swear that’s my catch phrase. Like Kim Possible’s “What’s the stitch?”), Eric at least respects Sookie, more or less. Yes, he wants to keep her safe. . .after he starts to care about her and eventually love her. He does. Eric is loyal. Completely. For like eternity. Once he’s in, he’s in, even if he’s being petulant and says he’s done.

In the books, unlike in the show, Eric and Sookie actually date for a while. In fact, they sort of get married. Now, yes, Eric in the books does some heavy-handed bullshit so she will marry him. But he did it to keep her safe. You’re totally routing for Eric and Sookie. But then his damn Maker, Ocella (not Godric, like in the show) arranges a marriage to the Queen of Oklahoma for Eric and since that’s his Maker, Eric can’t say no. (Ocella is a fucking creep. He basically turned Eric because he thought Eric was pretty then used him that whole time as his own personal sex toy. I hate Ocella.) Then Sookie uses this thing called a cluviel dor which is like some fairy object thing that grants wishes. Anyways, she uses it to bring back Sam Merlotte after his bitch of a girlfriend kills him. Due to that, the Sookie and the Eric in the books end up breaking up and that’s that.

Speaking of fairies, they are way more involved in the books. That Billith and tainted True Blood and Warlow bullshit does not happen. The fairies are not weaklings. Nah, man, they are badasses. They get Sookie into more trouble than the vampires do, which is saying something.

Sookie has other love interests as well. Such as Alcide Herveaux, a werewolf whom I actually like better in the show than in the books. In the book, he’s very controlling and thinks he knows best. Then like Bill he does some shady stuff that gets Sookie into trouble. He lies to her, and she’s not into that lying thing. Sookie does not end up with Eric, Bill or Alcide in the show nor the books. In the show she ends up with some off-the-wall guy that you see briefly and don’t even know his name. In the books, she ends up with Sam Merlotte. But yeah, we’ll explain Sam Merlotte later. I like his character way better in the books, just saying.

But in the show. Alcide Herveaux is the winner. Like he is the best. He is loyal, kind, brave. He’s simply a really good guy, and he remains as such. Even when he becomes Alpha, he’s still oh so good and leaves because he realizes that the pack life ain’t for him. Also he’s played by this guy.

Joe Manganiello as Alcide Herveaux from *True Blood*

Casting choice was damn near perfect for Alcide Herveaux. Seriously, in the books he’s described as a tall man with an olive complexion, an aquiline nose, green eyes, and thick, tousled hair. Hello, casting. Damn. Two thumbs way way up for this casting choice.

Unlike in the show, in the books Sookie and Alcide never actually get together. In the show, they date for a bit and are super cute and we love them. You think everything is all perfectly fine. . . .until he dies in like the first episode of season seven along with Tara Thornton. Both of their deaths were pointless. They did nothing for the show. Also, considering who Sookie ends up with in the show (a random dude we see maybe once and know nothing about), the showrunners never should’ve killed off Alcide. If Sookie wasn’t going to end up with Eric or I guess, Bill (yuck) then she should’ve ended up with Alcide.

In the books, Sookie ends up with Sam Merlotte, which admittedly, was a twist. I did not see that coming. I hoped that Sookie in the books would end up with either Eric or Quinn.

It’s kind of like this.

Guy A (Bill) first love, blah, blah, blah.

Guy B (Eric) bad boy, don’t want to love him but you totally do.

Guy C (Alcide) mostly steady guy, has issues, could be a thing but never is a thing

Guy D (Quinn) came out of nowhere and you’re like wait what there’s a fourth choice

Guy E (Sam) best dude friend, never thought he was an option (until he was).

So you think okay, she’s not gonna end up with Guy A. But maybe she’ll end up with Guy B, you know, how typical things go (such as The Vampire Diaries. Stefan would be Guy A and Damon Guy B. Elena ended up with Damon in the end).

Now Quinn is a character that we never see on True Blood. Quinn is a tall huge man with a bald head. . . .that happens to be a weretiger. One of the last weretigers. He runs a business for supernatural parties, weddings, etc. It’s a cute job. He and Sookie meet and it’s like sparks fly.

Quinn, most of the time, is a great guy. He has issues with vampires but that could be because vampires tortured his mother so she’s crazy and he was forced to fight in like gladiator fights. He and Sookie argue the most about well, his crazy mother and his sister, who are always getting him in trouble. Sookie ends up getting in trouble and hurt because of Quinn’s family, and due to that, he and Sookie end things. Quinn is always going to put his family first, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, honorable even, but his family gets him in danger which then puts Sookie in danger, and she can’t handle that.

I understand that.

As much as I loved Quinn (other than his blatant hatred of vampires which put him and Sookie at odds but they got over that), his family was always going to cause problems for him. That’s a fact of life. Is it honorable that he loves his family that much? Yes, I can appreciate that. So can Sookie. But the fact of the matter is, his mother and sister indirectly cause Sookie to get kidnapped and she gets hurt. She’s done with that. However, they parted ways more or less amicably.

Quinn is never mentioned in the show. Weretigers don’t exist. There are werepanthers, of course, and they are more or less the same in the books as in the show. Though in the books they aren’t crackheads (I think?). Is there incest? Yes. To keep the blood pure. Oh, and Calvin Norris is a gentle old panther who has the hots for Sookie and wanted her to be his breeding mare. (There’s also the thing were Jason actually does become a werepanther, sort of, but not a ‘pure’ one. Like a werepanther-man thing. He marries Crystal who gets pregnant and she’s then murdered by someone something in other.) I guess he’d be Guy F. Not that he had a chance in hell with Sookie. Sookie ain’t about to sit on a couch eating bon-bons and popping out kids every ten months. Just saying. That’s not her.

Instead she marries some random guy

I think HBO missed out by not following the books to the T. Seriously, there was so much content, and honestly, had they followed the books more and not the first like three books, the show would’ve been much better. That’s not to say the show isn’t worth watch. Just keep in mind that you aren’t in it for Sookie or Bill. The side characters such as Eric, Pam, Tara, etc., that’s who you’re there for.

I’d like to challenge you to watch all of True Blood. Then read the Southern Vampire Mysteries series. You’ll see what I mean.

Until next time!

-K

Part Seven: Charlie aka the Best Dad Ever

September 15, 2021September 14, 2021Posted in A&K Blog Series, Fandom, Movie/TV Reviews, TwilightTagged Bella Swan, Charlie Swan, TwilightLeave a comment

Yes, we are back. Here’s part seven where we talk about the best dad ever, Charlie Swan.

As stated previously in part six, Charlie is wonderful. I really don’t understand why Bella is so like against him. Like this man traveled to Arizona to be with her. Took time off and everything to see her and she’s like, so ungrateful towards him? She moves to Forks and he buys her a car! Bella doesn’t ask, nothing. He gets her a car and wants her to feel welcome there! This man is so excited to have his daughter living with him and she doesn’t care! The whole town knows because Charlie is the Chief of the police department and he’s probably been telling his buddies “My daughter’s coming to live with me!” Hell, I bet he pulls out a picture of her from his wallet.

And I don’t know, maybe I’m projecting. I’ve never had a decent father figure in my life. Like ever. Or maybe rather I’ve never had a consistent decent father figure in my life. Charlie, he’s decent and good and genuinely loves his daughter. He wants the best for her. That’s all he wants. Bella is so ungrateful towards him and it infuriates me!

During the whole James thing. She needs to leave, right, to protect him. Okay, whatever. But she intentionally uses the same words her mother used when she left. It made Charlie stop dead and be like oh so she hates Forks too. Like her mother. She never wanted to be there. Like ouch? Poor Charlie.

And you know what, Charlie is a pretty chill dad. I don’t think Bella even has a curfew because he knows that she’s a responsible adult.

When does Bella get a curfew? Oh, I don’t know. AFTER SHE FUCKING LEAVES FOR ITALY AND DOESN’T TELL HER DAD WHERE SHE’S GOING.

(Honestly? Her getting a curfew is more than fair.)

I’m telling you right now, if I was 17 and I fucked off to another country to go after a boy who dumped my ass in the woods (not that that would happen but whatever), my mom would kick. My. ass. I would be dead. I wouldn’t have to worry about the Volturi. I’d be dead. Bella is lucky that she even gets to see Edward. Because if it was my mom or hell me, bitch you would never see that boy again!

Charlie is a lot nicer than I feel like other parents would be. I mean, his daughter fucks off to Italy with no explanation. He gets home and she’s gone. No note. Bed empty. (Said in my Mrs. Molly Weasley voice). Also, Charlie is a police officer. He sees all this and he’s probably thinking the absolute worst scenarios. She’s been kidnapped. She went off to the woods to commit suicide. He is kicking himself for not being a better dad and freaking the fuck out. Bella did that to him. Like just, why?

Bella gets back and she lies to him and is all like “Yeah so Edward and I are back together and it’s so wonderful!” (Said in a Malibu Barbie voice.) Charlie isn’t dumb. I know she thinks he’s dumb, but come on. He’s not. He may not know what’s going on but he knows there is more to the story. Edward is damn lucky Charlie has self-control or Edward could’ve ended up getting shot. That is the boy who left Charlie’s daughter in the woods and then she’s spent the last four months being a zombie because of said boy. Motherfucker, please. I bet Charlie was like Please, please give me a reason to shoot you, Edmund whatever, I’ll fucking do it. Try. Me.

Oh, and it should be noted. That Edward can’t really read Charlie’s mind either. He can get the occasional thought but most of the time, it’s feelings, emotions. Of course, we don’t find that out until we read Midnight Sun because Bella sucks.

Now all I’m picturing is Charlie pulling out his shotgun and shooting Edward with it. I think I cackled, ngl.

In Eclipse, Charlie tries to get Bella to be involved with people other than Edward. You know, a reasonable thing. Charlie doesn’t like Edward. I can’t blame him there. Bella doesn’t think about Charlie. Sure, she wants him to be safe. But she’s so focused on Edward that she doesn’t care or notice what her actions do to Charlie. Bella wants to be a vampire so bad that she doesn’t think about what that’d do to Charlie. Her “death” would do to him. Her mom has her husband. But Charlie? He doesn’t have anything. Bella dying would devastate him. Bella is all “Oh, he’ll get over it.”

Charlie deserves better.

When he does find out the truth, he takes it quite well, I always thought. All things considered. He rolls with the punches. He gets to have his daughter and sure, she looks. . .vastly different. That’s a bit jarring. But she’s alive. Oh, and he gets to have a cute granddaughter (though he’s still confused about that and is like what the fuck).

Either way, Charlie is awesome. Bella sucks.

Book Charlie I don’t remember so much. He was chill and he was there. And he was good. Not perfect, but solid.

And then Movie Charlie absolutely fucking rocked that part so hard that Charlie became my low-key favorite character. That should have won an Oscar lol. Absolutely astounding A++ work. Well done. Billy Burke. Fuckin’ killin’ it, man. Good job.

Charlie went from being a dad you kinda notice sorta (book) to a master of dry wit and snark (movie) and I love it so much.

Now, I will say, there was a moment that I wasn’t a huge fan of Charlie and that was when he reacted to his daughter being assaulted by congratulating the assaulter. Cannot emphasize enough how bad that is.

Other than that, Charlie is great and wonderful and hilarious. And really nice in that “oh shit how do nice people talk to people? Whatever I’ll just say some words” kind of way.

And that moment where Bella leaves in Twilight? “I’ll end up stuck here like Mom”? Rip my fuckin’ heart out whydon’tcha? Fucking owwwww. And sobs. (Most of the time I have to hit fast forward and skip that part because I over-empathize and it kills me.)

Then he’s worried about her all the time in New Moon, which, can’t blame the guy. She was an absolute wreck. Practically in a vegetative state except for when she would have screaming nightmares. And after all that, she bails to go to another country.

To bring you back to that moment with context:

One of his best friends was recently deceased.

His daughter had been beyond distraught for months. I can guarantee you he was worried she was a danger to herself. And then she’s missing.

That’s what he gets to come home to after planning his friend’s funeral.

Bad day for Charlie.

So, yeah. When Bella comes back, of course she’s grounded. And of course Charlie hates Edward. He has no reason to trust this brat with his daughter. As far as Charlie is concerned, Edward is the teenaged prick who dumped his daughter for months and then came back like nothing had ever happened.

Yeah. No. Not gonna fly.

Lastly, in Breaking Dawn when Jacob reveals himself as a werewolf. (Yes, Keely, I said werewolf. Suck it.)

(SHAPESHIFTER.)

That scene in the movie was stellar. Gotta give it up for the director. And once again, Billy Burke holdin’ it down. And Charlie is chill with that and goes “well hey, it’s weird but if it means I get to see my daughter, I’m in.” Which makes me feel all kind of warm fuzzies because it always makes me sad in eternal being fiction when the eternal being has to say goodbye to a loving family. And, yeah, Bella isn’t gonna see much of her mom ever again, but she still has her dad.

That’s a weird thing to end on, I feel like I’m supposed to say something profound or at least something that wraps this up with a nice little bow.

Oh, well.

Until next time!

-A&K

Part Six: Twilight – The Movies

September 3, 2021Posted in A&K Blog Series, Fandom, Movie/TV Reviews, TwilightTagged Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Eclipse, Edward Cullen, Elizabeth Reaser, Kristen Stewart, New Moon, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli, Robert Pattinson, Stephenie Meyer, TwilightLeave a comment

Now, y’all probably don’t know this, but I have a film background. One of my bachelor’s is in motion pictures. That being said, even before I started to get into movies, boy did the entire Twilight movie franchise piss me off. You know, film wise. I’m not even talking about the shitty plot. No, I’m talking about how it was filmed.

First, like. . . .WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DAMN BLUE.

(It’s so blue. I don’t understand. It’s so blue!)

Seriously. The ENTIRE movie franchise is SO. DAMN. BLUE. Why? Why was this an aesthetic choice? Why blue?

If I was the director, blue would not be the color I’d choose. Like at all. Forks is supposed to be like this really green place. In the books, Bella is always complaining about how green it is. That being said. . .WHY THE FUCK BLUE. I can not say that enough. I would not pick blue. Instead of blue, I’d like over saturated the colors. Make that green pop. Make Forks look like some damn Wonderland place, really play on the whole it’s too green thing. If you really wanted to be creative with the color scheme, that’s what I’d do.

Or, I’d warm up the colors, make the people look normal. But then, I’d make the Cullens a different color. When they are on screen, maybe they are blue (you know since they’re dead) or maybe their colors are muted. Or maybe they have a red tint to them since you know, they drink blood to survive.

That is what I would do, personally.

Or you know what, keep the colors normal.

Here’s a clip that someone did from Twilight with the colors being almost normal. They still need to warmed up but it’s better than the blue.

Twilight is the worst contender for the horrible blue tint. In the later movies, they scrap that and keep the colors normal. It’s a bit jarring at first, when you watch New Moon and expect it to be all blue and you’re like, oh thank god.

As I stated before, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had to work with what they had. Now for people who play love interests, they have NO chemistry. (But that is another blog post where we’ll discuss the love interests on screen with zero chemistry. Trust me. There are a lot. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan from Fifty Shades for example. No. Chemistry.)

Both Stewart and Pattinson come off as. . .awkward. And not in a good way. Stewart makes weird expressions that don’t really match with what she’s saying as Bella. It’s funny. I used to think she had no facial expressions and was all blank face. But when I rewatched the movies as an adult and with newer, film eyes, I realized it’s awkward because she has too many expressions.

(Haha, that’s true. Oh that’s sad. She put all her range into a rangeless character. Oof.)

It’s like. . .she’s overacting. Like she’s a caricature. LIke her face can’t decide what it wants to do. It does not work. At all.

Pattinson, who was absolutely charming and adorable as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, is awkward. He comes off as creepy and awkward (shit, I said that I need a new word). Which I mean, I guess is in character since Eddie is a creeper stalker dude. But he’s also supposed to be charming and all sauve and shit but that doesn’t come off? I mean if I met the Edward in the movie, I’d grab my pepper spray. (I mean, I’d grab my pepper spray for Eddie in the book too, though.) No one hates Twilight as much as Pattinson hates Twilight. I read a story once when he was somewhere and everyone was screaming “EDWARD!” and this one person was like “CEDRIC!” Pattinson went to that person and gave them an autograph.

I love that story.

Right? It’s so cute.

I feel bad for Pattinson and Stewart because due to the atrocity called Twilight, they are seen as terrible actors. They aren’t.

Thankfully, I think that’s finally starting to turn around. I’ll talk about it a bit more in mine.

Do you know how I get through the Twilight movies? The side characters. Like Jessica who is played by the wonderful Anna Kendrick.

Woot woot!

Seriously, the next time (though I don’t know why you’d willingly watch Twilight. . .) just pay attention to her. I feel like they didn’t give Anna Kendrick a script. They told her to just talk. It’s great.

Also, Charlie. Since the books are written in Bella’s POV (*gag*) you don’t really get to see what everyone else is doing. She’s not a reliable narrator and she’s all like “Ohmygod, Eddie!” (Said in like an obnoxious anime girl voice.) But with the movies, you get to know Charlie better. Charlie is great. I love him. He SO deserves better. (More on Charlie in part seven.)

They broke up the last book, Breaking Dawn, into two parts. Which, I mean, I guess? Whatever.

$$$

The movies are just as bad as the books. They are boring and dull. The acting is terrible, which again is not the actors’ faults, the writing is to blame. I’m trying to think of something good to say about the movies besides Jessica and Charlie but like, there’s nothing good to say. I will say that I like that we kind of know more about James and his gang before you meet them at the baseball field. That’s interesting. Breaks up the boredom.

OH. I know.

The soundtracks. The soundtracks are pretty awesome. The soundtracks deserve better than the Twilight movies but they are awesome. They did not have to go that hard but they did.

Here’s a playlist that I found on Spotify.

https://open.spotify.com/embed/playlist/2ruxBdlFrwLmtgIShhTfe5

We got songs like “Decode” and “I Caught Myself” by Paramore. “Eyes on Fire” by Blue Foundation. “Supermassive Black Hole” by Muse. “Leave Out All the Rest” by Linkin Park.

The one part that I will say I liked was in Breaking Dawn Part 2. They’re all facing off against the Volturi (shit, does that need to be a separate part too, Angela?).

Oh, I could think of some shit to say, sure.

They’re all against the Volturi and they’re fighting. Carlisle loses his head. Seth dies. Jasper dies. Then Aro is killed by Bella and Edward. And you’re like “Whoa, whoa, whoa. WHAT?” Because that wasn’t a part of the book at all. It definitely throws you off. I was like, “DAMN!” I didn’t know what they were doing with it but I liked it.

. . . .then it came back to the present and you realized it was a vision by Alice. Which brings me into another rant.

(Enraged snoring, somehow.)

In Eclipse (I think it was Eclipse?) it was established that Alice can’t see the shapeshifters. New Moon, maybe? Since that whole “Bella jumped off a cliff and never resurfaced” thing happened? But then in Breaking Dawn Part 2. . .she can? Meyer, you broke your own lore. What the fuck. Don’t break your own lore. Like, what the hell. I can’t even. (Is that also my catch phrase?)

I can’t even talk about the monstrosity that was that baby. I feel like CGI would’ve been better. That thing was horrific. *shudders*

Okay, so as previously mentioned, everything is blue and it doesn’t make sense and it is mind-boggling and frustrating. But the WORST thing in Twilight. Not the source material (iffy), the acting/directing choices (oof), the writing (yikes). It’s. The make-up.

(My 12 year old brother could do better make-up than that disaster.)

OH MY GOD.

IT’S SO BAD.

AND I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

I’m not much of a make-up person, but I was in theater in eighth grade and so I know the bare fucking minimum about stage make-up. I know about blending. All you have to do is make sure there’s not a line as pronounced as the fucking coastline showing that this is not your actual skin color. And since the vampires were supposed to be walking jars of mayonnaise, make sure their fucking neck is white, too.

HOW DID THE MAKE-UP DEPARTMENT (was there a make-up department? This seems like the kind of job that they just pulled a random person off the street and said, “Hey, you want 5 bucks?” If that’s the case, at least this would make sense and be… not forgivable, but understandable.) FUCK THIS UP SO HARD.

You can clearly see where they were like “this is the corpse part of Edward’s body” and then “this is where we gave up.”

(Let’s not even comment on his “glittering skin” that was something they totally bought from Bath and Body Works. . .That was terrible and just what?)

Oh my god, the sparkles. Okay. When I saw the movies, I had already read the books so I knew to expect sparkles. I honestly expected it to look like when middle-schoolers got a hold of body glitter (don’t judge, it’s easier than make-up. It’s not better, but it’s easier and sometimes that’s what matters. – Don’t listen to me, especially since this is seventh-grade me giving advice.). But what we got was worse than that. I didn’t think his skin was sparkling, I thought his skin was boiling. My boyfriend at the time (poor fucking guy watching this movie) thought Edward looked like a fish. He had scales.

And whose bright idea was it to give Bella (human) the same skin tone as the walking corpses? I know the books said she was pale, but nowhere in the books did it say she already looked dead.

(I fucking snorted.)

They did get better in the later movies (they gave up entirely in the later movies, but it was still an improvement). But before we could get that reprieve, they did Carlisle dirty. I’ve seen photos of the actor just out being normal, and yeah, he’s attractive. But as Carlisle? They painted his face white and dyed his hair blond (and slicked it back! Why???) and the first time I saw him on screen (every time I see him on screen in that movie) all I could think was “naked mole rat.” I don’t know why, but every time Carlisle Cullen walks into the hospital, I’m reminded of Rufus from Kim Possible.

Now here’s the actor, Peter Facinelli. We had no idea he was a good looking guy.

Elizabeth Reaser (Esme Cullen) with Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen)

See? If they had put him on screen, I would have paid a lot more attention.

(Heelllllooooo, Daddy. Ahem. Sorry.)

I had no idea he was actually attractive, I had to go and look it up. I had wondered “why did they cast an unattractive man to play an attractive man?” They didn’t. They cast an attractive man and made him unattractive. The choices this movie made.

The chick who played Rosalie, Nikki Reed (who is funny enough married to the guy who plays Damon Salvatore aka Ian Somerhalder) ruined her hair for these movies. Like fucking fried her hair. Also, it wasn’t even a good dye job! Her hair was so yellow and it definitely needed some damn toner. Seriously, purple shampoo would have made that less brassy and actually a pretty blonde. As someone who dyes her hair at home, I could’ve done a better job than those professionals. What the fuck, ya’ll.

This is a screen shot from the movie. They look like wax figures. *shudders*

Oh my god the wigs. Jacob’s wig. Jacob’s fucking wig. I can’t. Remember how I said that I forgave Jake for being awful because of Taylor Lautner? That didn’t happen until Movie #2 when they cut his hair.

(OH. I forgot his wig. I like deleted it from my brain. Why did you remind me?)

Just. The choices this movie made.

Don’t worry. We have more content to come. Angela and I are having a lot of fun with this. What should we discuss next? Tell us in the comments!

-K

Movies Everyone Should Watch

August 30, 2021Posted in Fandom, Movie/TV ReviewsTagged August Rush, Big Fish, Boondock Saints, Braveheart, Dumbo, Godzilla vs King Kong, Gran Tarino, Halloween, It, Jumanji, Kill Bill, Legally Blonde, Maleficent, Million Dollar Baby, movies, Planet of the Apes, pop culture, Practical Magic, Pulp Fiction, Ready Player One, Steel Magnolias, The Last of the Mohicans, The Princess Bride, Tooth Fairy, White Chicks, Wonder WomanLeave a comment

If you don’t know, I love movies. Hello, film major! A small (okay huge) part of me still wants to make movies for a living. Maybe I’ll get there. Eventually. That being said, a few days ago, I asked my mom to help me come up with a list of movies everyone should see. Here is that list. Well there’s two lists. Movies I have seen that you should see, and movies that I haven’t seen that my mom recommended.

My List:

The Princess Bride
August Rush
Steel Magnolias
Maleficent
Dumbo
Godzilla vs. King Kong
Planet of the Apes series (Reboot series)
The Last of the Mohicans
Braveheart
Halloween (Very first one from 1978 and the 2017 one)
Wonder Woman (Both of them)
Big Fish
Jumanji (All three of them)
Tooth Fairy
Practical Magic
White Chicks
Legally Blonde
Ready Player One
It (Part 1 & 2)
The Shining (or Doctor Sleep)
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Kill Bill: Volumes 1 & 2
Pulp Fiction
Boondock Saints (Both of them)
Gran Tarino
Million Dollar Baby

My Mom’s List:

Beaches
Stella
The Dark Crystal (1982 version)
The Last Samurai
To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

Want to know why I picked these movies? Drop a comment and we’ll discuss!

-K

Part Five: Bella Swan

August 30, 2021September 15, 2021Posted in A&K Blog Series, Fandom, TwilightTagged Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Stephenie Meyer, TwilightLeave a comment

You don’t know this about me, but I tend to not like the main female character in like, anything. It’s a joke that Angela and I have. She is well aware of my general dislike of main female characters.

(Not just the women, though. If there’s a protag, Keely goes “grr.”)

It seems like no matter what I read or watch, they just. . .can’t get female characters right. LIke sometimes they almost got it but then they don’t? Or like it’s inconsistent and it bothers me. (Read: Arrow. Hello. But that’s another blog post for another day. Seriously, it’d be all about the female characters.)

Now of course there are exceptions to this rule. Like Max from Maximum Ride, Jessica Jones from Netflix’s Jessica Jones and well, any female main character other than Elena in The Vampire Diaries and The Originals (Caroline is awesome. Bonnie is the bomb. Hayley is a badass. And Rebekah is a delight. But in general The Vampire Diaries and The Originals have some great characters, female and male). Of course, I love Wonder Woman and Black Widow. That’s all I can think of right now.

All this to say that Bella I can’t even dislike as a character because there really isn’t anything to dislike.

(*eyebrow raise*)

Okay, so . . . .I dislike her. I do. There are teeny, tiny moments where I like her. Mind you, teeny tiny. Miniscule.

In a paper that I once wrote for my class (and that was then published in my university’s nonfiction journal Quills & Pixels) I said that Bella was Mary Sue. But like, the worst kind of Mary Sue.

Now let me explain something.

I write like a shit ton of fanfiction. Most of the time, there is a Mary Sue. However, I develop those characters and make them you know, a character. When I create an OC (original character) I make it where that if I was to take this character out of this fandom and put them in an original idea of mine, that character could stand alone. In fact, one of the OCs I created, Hunter Glass, originally was apart of a Batman fanfiction I was writing. I liked her so much, that I decided she was going to be the main character in my original superhero-verse. If the OC or ‘Mary Sue’ has no place in the story, then what’s the point? What do they bring? And that’s how I feel about Bella.

What does she bring to Twilight? What exactly is her purpose?

Bella (and I’m stealing this from another blog post) is a cardboard cut out. She has no personality. At times, you kind of think she does. Her sarcastic quips, though she doesn’t say them outloud, are almost funny. You kind of want more of that. Meyer should’ve drawn on that sarcasm. (Come on, how funny would that be? Eddie would have no idea what to do with a strong, sarcastic independent woman. He’d tuck his tail and be like ‘Omg feminism. What? You’re not a doormat? I can’t allow that.’)

Instead, Meyer did not. Bella is bland. She’s like oatmeal. You know, the really shitty, thick, goopy kind that sticks to your spoon and you can’t get off, and no matter how much sugar or butter or whatever you put it in, it still tastes the exact same. Bland and boring. (Wow. Okay, so that was not nice at all. I”d apologize but like, I’m not sorry?)

What if secretly, oatmeal was Edward’s favorite meal as a human and THAT’S why he’s so drawn to her?

I just died. Omg. Seriously. Dying right now. Also snorted. (Angela cackled at my snort.)

Reading from her POV is terrible.

Here’s the thing (again, my catch phrase) Bella is all mopey about moving to Forks with Charlie (who is wonderful and honestly, he deserves better).

(CHARLIE IS THE BEST!)

He really is. I get through the movies because of Charlie and Jessica.

Anna Kendrick for the win!

She’s a goddess. I love her. Will talk more about her in part six.

Moving to Forks was HER idea. She didn’t have to move to Forks. She could’ve stayed in Arizona (which reminds me of a Tumblr post that said what if Bella never showed up and Twilight is about Charlie who finds out the town doctor is a vampire and his BFF is a shapeshifter. Then it’s about Charlie defending the town with his besties when he’s a human but he’s got a shotgun and all is like ‘I got you, bro.’ I’d read the fuck out of that.

Back on track).

The whole moving thing, HER. IDEA. Why are you bitching about it? It was YOUR choice? LIke what the fuck.

And even if it wasn’t her choice to move, like make the most of it? Moving sucks. I get it. As someone who has moved 17 (18?: 19? Fuck, I don’t know) times in her life, I get it. Being the new girl fucking sucks ass. I was the new girl in sixth grade. Then the new girl again in ninth grade. Then the new girl again junior year. It sucks. AND I went to huge schools. I can’t imagine going to a high school in a small town where everybody knows everybody.

But you make the most of it. Bella does not. She doesn’t even try to make an effort. She makes decisions based on everyone’s expectations. She agrees with whoever to avoid conflict. When she and Edward start dating, she ignores her friends and is all about Edward. When he comes back after you know, leaving her in the woods, she clings to him and panics when he leaves because he’s become her whole world. Which is a problem. Sure, she at first tries to fight him on the whole seeing Jacob but then she folds. Just like she does when it comes to the whole marriage thing and she becoming a vampire thing.

Now, there are moments, like I said, where she’s not a doormat. LIke when she punches Jake in the face after he kisses her without her consent. That was good. Go you, Bella.

Now according to Meyer, she wrote Bella in a way that the readers can put themselves in her shoes.

(Oh, I forgot that. Oh, that’s horrifying. I’m gonna try to cut her a little slack in my piece, but I really don’t want to be Bella.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to put myself in her shoes. Even when I read Twilight as a teenager, I couldn’t relate to her. Reading her angst was painful (and I didn’t think anything could be more painful than that but BOY was I wrong. Bella’s angst has nothing on Edward’s in Midnight Sun. Holy shit.)

(Oh dear lord.)

You have no idea, Angela. Seriously.

(I mean, I did read some of it. Very quickly. More on that later.)

And I feel so bad for Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson because they are not actually bad actors but they got a shit script based on a shit book and like, they had to do what they could with what they were given. . . .which was like nothing, basically.

You can’t play a character when there is no character. You just gotta do what you can with what you have. But we’ll talk more about the movies in part six.

OH. Vampire Bella.

What a fucking cop-out to have her being like instantly all I have control as a newborn yay me! BITCH NO. That is so lame.

(Suuuuuch a letdown.)

I wanted Bella to struggle as a newborn. I wanted her to kill people and work her ass off to fight her hunger. Instead, we got her being “Oh, I can do this!” And poor Jasper is in the background having a crisis thinking that he’s a freak because he’s struggled with his hunger for a century or so (I think, check me).

(Poor guy.)

No, Jasper, you are not a freak. Bella is. She didn’t struggle at all it seems as a newborn. And I hated it. Especially since they stressed so much that as a newborn vampire, the hunger for blood is overwhelming and everyone slips up. (Except Carlisle? Like what but that’s for part eight on the Cullens.)

(The bloodthirst was literally the entire reason Bella insisted they fuck before she changes. Because she didn’t want to be more overwhelmed by blood than she was by Edward. So she puts her life in danger for sexytime – I’m feeling generous, I’m gonna let her have that one even though I probably shouldn’t lol – and then gets pregnant which nearly gets them all killed. And she barely notices that she’s thirsty? Really?)

OH. And that made me think. . .Did Bella not think about the whole sexy times and how hard

(Heh heh

FTT. I seriously almost said “HA. PUN INTENDED.”)

it would be for Edward? Her being human? Like her blood is supposed to be like crack, right? Sex is all fun and hormones and excitement and junk. Was Bella not at all worried that he’d get lost in the moment and uh, rip out her throat? Just saying. (I mean the guy broke the headboard and ripped several pillows with his teeth. AND she woke up covered in bruises. Like, there was a chance he could’ve ripped out her throat in the heat of the moment.)

Bella had all the potential to be a good, interesting character. . . .if Meyer hadn’t had written her. So here’s to Bella, the girl that could’ve been something.

My turn.

And, uh. I don’t really have much to say about Bella.

She feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe that’s why we’re so disappointed in her? She could have been anything: witty, brave, headstrong, funny, kind, scathing. Anything. But if she was given any character traits, she couldn’t be a blank slate for reader self-insertion; so she’s none of those things, at least not consistently. The only thing she does consistently is badly misjudge the situation she’s in. And that’s not super fun. (I feel like she never reacts normally to any situation.)

I think one thing Meyer importantly missed in this “anyone can be Bella” is that, if that’s the case, then we want to see Bella/us win or grow or something. Bella doesn’t have an arc because she’s supposed to represent everyone and therefore represents no one. And since Bella is a stand-in for us, that means we don’t have an arc and that’s just so incredibly frustrating.

As far as the writing for Bella goes, not much was done to give her much of a personality, as we’ve said. But as for how we as fans (or anti-fans) viewed her, I don’t think she was given an entirely fair shake.

Twilight was published at a time when it was important to be “one of the guys” or “not like other girls.” Because there was this pervasive but unspoken attitude that girls were not as of much value as boys. And we all want to have value. A lot of girls and young women internalized that and took that to mean that they had to distinguish themselves by hating and shitting on “girly” things – basically anything that a lot of girls liked. “Chick flicks” and YA romance novels very much included in (probably topping) that list.

This isn’t a judgment on the girls and young women who took on that attitude, on purpose or unconsciously. I was one of those young women. It was a core part of my personality for a while to hate anything seen as feminine. (I had a vendetta against the color pink, y’all.) But looking back it does make me sad. And that attitude is more than a little gross. So I’m glad that it seems to be starting to change. (This next generation, I swear. Y’all are doing good. Things are looking up. Thanks.)

Anyway. Twilight was a YA romance novel and the POV character was a bland teenage girl. Cue the intense hatred. From boys who haven’t read, won’t read, and don’t care about the book. From girls who haven’t read, won’t read, and don’t care about the book. And from girls who read it, too.

Poor Bella.

Edward doesn’t have a personality, either. He wasn’t universally hated. (Not until the Twilight renaissance when we all started to take a step back and actually think, “Hey, is this okay? Ya know what, I think this isn’t okay.”)

Katniss from The Hunger Games also is written blandly and makes poor life choices. (From what I can remember. Twilight did burn me out on young adult novels for a hot stretch of time, so I sped through The Hunger Games series pretty quick.)

From what I remember, Katniss isn’t so much as bland as more. . . .abrasive? Book wise, she’s not a likeable character. She’s written as intentionally not a likeable character, which is funny since she becomes this symbol. But really, once you think about it, her reasons are pretty selfish. She only cared about herself and her family. Or at least that’s how I remember her in the books. In the movies she’s a bit different.)

But Katniss is lifted up as a paragon of strength. (Which opens a whole new can of worms that we don’t necessarily have to get into right now.)

Bella’s not the best character. There are more well-written, more engaging characters out there. But she didn’t deserve all the hate she got.

Thank you listening! Er, we mean reading. Stay tuned for part six! Yes, part six. There is still plenty more to talk about in this special blog series about Twilight. Until next time!

-A&K

Part Four: Fifty Shades of Please Just Make It Stop

August 18, 2021August 31, 2021Posted in A&K Blog Series, Fandom, TwilightTagged Anastasia Steele, BDSM, boundaries, Christian Grey, E. L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey, relationships, Stephenie Meyer, TwilightLeave a comment

In part four of our Twilight blog series, Angela and I, but mostly Angela, talk about the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise. (Note that I have two more categories: Twilight and then A&K Blog Series which is short for Angela & Keely.)

Trigger warnings: abusive relationships, rape, stalking

Not only do we have Twilight which is five movies, four books. Wait. Like six books? No, seven. You have the four Twilight books, The Short Life of Bree something or another, Life and Death which is a genderbent Twilight (which will have to be another blog post, maybe, if I ever get to it), and Midnight Sun which is Twilight in Edward’s POV.

So we have all that horribleness. But you know what we also have? That we can fully blame Stephenie Meyer for?

Fifty Shades of Grey.

Which is three books. Sorry, four, because guess what, Freed is a Fifty Shades of Grey in Christian Grey’s POV. E.L. James released that book June, 2021, and Stephenie Meyer released Midnight Sun in August 2020. Way to copy Meyer, James. You know, again, sort of.

Background on this horrible thing. Fifty Shades of Grey was originally a Twilight fanfiction on Fanfiction.net. It was called “Masters of the Universe.” The author, E.L. James decided to take it off Fanfiction.net and eventually publish it into her own book.

Now, I have never read these books nor seen the movies. I flat out refuse too. I have read, I believe the first two pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I couldn’t get past the writing. James is not a good writer. At all. It was like reading something a child wrote. LIke middle school writing. Which is how I feel about the House of Night series too (but that’s another blog post as well). So all I know about these books is what I’ve read in articles. I have no interest in this series.

So, take it away, Angela. This is all you, (baby).

Ohhhhhhhhh you did it. You went there. Oh no. Keely, are you ready for this?

(I am so ready. You got this. This is all you. My rant will be short on this part. Lol.)

Every time I rant about this, it takes a solid hour. I have timed it.

(I’d say she’s exaggerating, but I know her, so I KNOW she has actually timed this.)

I wrote a 3-page college paper about this bullshit nightmare. It would have been 10, but the prof changed the assignment. Oh boy.

Okay.

Fuck all of it.

Fuck E.L. James, specifically. Fuck the first book, fuck the series. Fuck the movies. Fuck the misrepresentation of BDSM. Fuck calling that romance. It’s abuse. Don’t let it be called anything different.

So E.L. James saw the abuse that we mentioned in Part 2 and thought “But what if I add MORE.” And that’s basically the entire series in a nutshell. You can read what follows, but 50 Shades is basically all of the bad of Twilight turbocharged plus handcuffs.

(*shudders* What. Why. I can’t. Huh?)

As Keely mentioned above, this monstrosity started off as a fanfic of Twilight. Because the characters already existed in everyone’s minds, James didn’t really bother to set up a meet-cute that made sense. Not necessary in fanfic. But it wasn’t cleaned up for print, so… *shrug emoji*

(As someone who only read the first page of the first book, it was HORRIBLY written. I have read fanfictions that were better written than the page of shit I read.)

Anastasia Steele’s (in case you needed a hint that this was porn) roommate is doing some college newspaper thing and she’s interviewing Christian Grey. But roommate (who is so unimportant I will never remember her name) gets sick so Anabellastasia takes over. She shows up at the office, immediately judges herself for not being blonde (gotta love instant, constant, pointless self-loathing, right?) and kinda hates all the women who are blonde (because yay feminism).

(I don’t know if you’re being serious about this or if like, she really does hate all blondes. But okay?)

Anyway, goes in, is awkward. (Mega-awkward, guys. Like. The secondhand embarrassment could kill you.) Judges herself for being awkward (more yay. Gotta love reading the first person POV of someone who detests being in their own skin. Fun.) Is so visibly uncomfortable that Grey’s like “aha! Found one!” (Seriously. He’s a creep from the get-go.)

(Wait, so Grey looks at this awkward chick who is so not comfortable in her own skin and is like ‘Yep, that’s the one.’)

Yes. Because he is a predator.

This sounds like a Criminal Minds episode or like a Lifetime movie. . .)

Awkward interview goes awkwardly. Finally concludes and she goes to work.

Christian Grey is the worst parts of Edward #1: He stalks her to find out where she works and shows up there and makes innuendos she doesn’t get and interrogates her about her dating life. Also gets very angry when Discount Jake talks to Bella. (Sorry, Ana.)

(I fucking snorted, ngl.)

Anyway. Whatever happens next is boring and I forgot it and I will not look it up. But eventually we get to a point where Grey’s like “hey let’s fuck” and Ana’s like “what’s fuck?” and Grey buys her a bunch of shit.

(WHOA. HANG ON. Is she a virgin? Isn’t she like thirty something or other??)

She is the virginest virgin who has ever virgined. She’s also, like, 22-25ish? College student.

Okay, no judgement on her being a virgin. But what the hell is up with romance writers and the whole virgin thing?

Grey sucks #2: Ana specifically tells Grey that she doesn’t want him buying her things because it makes her uncomfortable. After that he buys her a brand new car. (BOUNDARIES, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?) When she gets upset about that, he gets upset back at her. She says “It makes me feel like a whore.” To which this brilliant felon says “Don’t feel like a whore” and makes out with her on the car. (True love?)

(I just. . .I can’t. I don’t. I am trying to understand this, I am but like. . .what? I feel like if I had a choice between Twilight and Fifty Shades, I’d probably go with Twilight. Like if I was on an island and I could only have one of those series, I’d pick Twilight. Or you know, just die.)

That’s comparatively minor to the shit that happens, which is still very concerning. Because boundaries are important and yet somehow this blatant violation of them barely even registers in the nightmare that is this “relationship.”

(I feel like we don’t talk about boundaries in middle school or high school. Like that’s not something they talk to girls or hey, guys too, about when it comes to relationships. Boundaries are extremely important.)

So Grey says he wants to fuck but he’s into this special kind of fucking that means he gets to control every aspect of her life. (To anyone who’s interested in/intrigued by BDSM – this is not what BDSM is.)

(The entire BDSM community had a fucking conniption over the Fifty Shades series. A rightful conniption. There’s like entire blogs people from the BDSM community wrote saying “Hey, this is NOT us.”)

Ok. So, Anastasia is very lost and confused, not only about this BDSM thing (fair) but also this sex in general thing (also fair). So Grey draws up this contract. (…………………) (I’ll get to that in a minute.) This contract is supposed to be Anabella’s (Snorts.), like, how-to? Or something? And also this way of him being like “you agreed that I can do whatever I want minus these tiny exceptions here and there that I’ll probably ignore anyway. See? You signed it.”

(You’re probably going to talk about this later but like doesn’t he ignore things she’s not comfortable with? And he does it anyways?)

Yes. So, the first couple sections are him detailing that she’s basically supposed to be on-call for sex whenever he wants it. He designates what times he will accept she’s not down to fuck, and those times are basically confined to when she’s in class. (Oh, the altruism.) He writes what her diet is. And her workout regimen. And what clothes she’s allowed to wear. THEN we get to the sex part of the contract.

Who the hell emails to communicate? What even?

(I’m sorry. WHAT HE DICTATES WHAT SHE EATS AND WHAT SHE WEARS. ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Ohmygod. I can’t even. I think I just gagged.)

This is the part that was almost done acceptably. He lists out every-fucking-thing they could do. And he tells her to go through each item and on a scale from 1-5, put what she is super into, wants to do, maybe into but not sure yet, is not very into, and what she is 100% not going to do. (Only fucking thing that makes sense on this damn paper.)

Side note: This contract. There are 2 kinds of contracts that I know about. One is the business douche’s CYA, use-as-much-legal-jargon-as-you-can-to-confuse-and-screw-the-other-person kind. There’s another kind that’s used in psychology. And this is called an informed consent contract. It is created to protect the subject of a psychological experiment, because that subject is in a vulnerable position and needs to know that they are safe. This contract is made as easy to understand as possible. Everything is written in the first person, using simple statements. (Ex: “I can withdraw from the experiment at any time.”) So the person knows their rights and can be safe.

Can you guess which contract AssDick used?

Hint: Not the one that helps her.

(Okay, so small note. I’m a film major. Why the hell is it so DARK in this scene? Like why?)

(*screams*)

Back to business. They’re going over this BS contract. And I will say: there are different kinds of BDSM relationships. Some stay confined to the bedroom (or other sexy-time area), some are 24/7, and some are a well-negotiated and trusting in-between. (I don’t really understand the ones that extend past sexy-time, but with work, respect, and trust, I’m assuming it’s probably fine. But both people have a lot of weight to pull and – I assume – less time to decompress than they would have otherwise.)

(The ENTIRE point of BDSM is trust. That is the key. Also, considering how many smut fanfictions I read, all those authors clearly know about the BDSM life and follow those rules. It is about trust. If there is no trust between the dominant and the submissive, then it will not work. That is abuse.)

Anyway. Grey is pushing this virgin (once again, nothing wrong with being a virgin, but Bellastasia

(I fucking love these names. I can’t wait what you come up with next.)

is a virgin who doesn’t know anything about sex, much less anything about BDSM, or any healthy relationship at all, really since she’s never been in one) for a 24/7 relationship. And it’s not even built on trust or understanding. It’s built on “I’m a control freak, but I can use your naivety to trick you into thinking this is okay.”

(Jesus fucking Christ. I can’t even.)

For whatever reason, they start to talk about the contract but don’t finish. I don’t remember why, I don’t care why, this book is a dumpster fire, don’t make me remember more than I have to.

So on one random day he’s out of town (on his super-duper important business-stuff) and they’re emailing (because that’s what the super cool important adults use) and he lets it slip that he knows where she is. BECAUSE HE BUGGED HER PHONE.

(*blinks* I’m sorry. Excuse me? That’s not okay. Not even close to being okay. No. NO. NO. NO. (Also, who the fuck emails? Like why not texting?)

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

WHY DO THESE AUTHORS THINK ABUSES AND VIOLATIONS ARE SEXY? THEY ARE NOT SEXY!

So Bellana’s, like, a little freaked out? But he’s hawt, so what’s a little stalking?

(I don’t care if he’s fucking Chris fucking Evans look alike. Hell no.)

(Readers, this is bad. Even if Michelangelo’s David comes to life, or Adonis himself, or Aphrodite herself, shows up and winks at ya, have safe boundaries. Establish them. Stick to them. Punch the people who violate them.) (Keely, am I allowed to condone violence on your blog?)

(If it keeps our readers safe, yes. You are. I am all about keeping our readers, whether female or male or what have you safe. So yeah. On a note, these are all important things we are talking about. Boundaries are greatly important. Someone breaks those boundaries after you clearly defined them, then drop them. They are dead to you.)

So Ana goes “um why did you bug my phone” and Grey’s like “uh cuz I’m awesome I guess” (I don’t remember at all what was said but the important part is coming up.) So Stasiabella

(*giggles*)

(I’m running out of names, Keel, sorry.) goes “Ya know, this is too much for me. I’m out. Don’t contact me again.” Which. Would have been so great. If she had been serious. But she was kidding. But oopsie-daisy, pressed send without typing “lol.” So Grey thought she was serious.

And here’s where one of the trigger warnings comes into play. Specifically, TW: rape.

Grey thought she dumped him. And he showed up at her apartment. To rape her.

He went to her apartment. Believing she wanted nothing to do with him. To fuck her. He 100% intended to rape her. The only reason it wasn’t called that in the books is because Anastasia did want to have sex with him. But again, importantly, he didn’t know that. And he didn’t care.

And although that very clearly establishes him as The Worst, after it’s over he sneers, “Still done with me?” (or something along those lines) and leaves her there alone. Now. This was her first time. And he has put her on the Emotional Roller Coaster From Hell for the past however long this has been going on AND has just abandoned her after fucking her. She’s distraught and it’s terrible.

(There are no words to express how what the fuck is this shit I am right now. Jfc. Smh. Omfg. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.)

Some other bullshit happened that I forgot because I was just too fucking angry.

Anyway. AFTER that, they get together again to go over the contract for-realsies, I guess? And as she’s being like “yes, I want to try this; no, I don’t want to do this,” Motherfucker goes “Well, I want to do that, so that can’t be a limit of yours.” FUCK THIS GUY. (But really, don’t. Don’t fuck this guy; don’t let any part of this guy near any of your parts or person.)

(I want to stab this fucking Grey guy. Like no. What the fuck.)

It’s at around this point, I think, that Isastasia says “You know, I think I’m not actually a submissive” and Piece of Shit says “I know. But I want you to be.” So yeah. I hate him. A lot. He saw a painfully shy woman in his office and assumed that meant she was too terrified to speak up for herself and would therefore be his own personal ragdoll to throw around. (Submissives are not weak-willed. Dominants are not bullies. Don’t let anyone tell/treat you otherwise.)

(That’s like a form of grooming, isn’t it? He’s wanting to mold her into his idea of a perfect submissive. But really, he wants her to be his punching bag. Control her.)

So she signs the thing and they do sexy times and god I hope we’re almost done.

He keeps on being a controlling asshole and she keeps on going back and forth between “omg there’s no way this is ok, why is he doing this, what do I do” and “omg he makes me feel so good omg swoon.”

(Question. Where are her friends during all this? Is anyone like Bellastasia this is a bad dude back off?)

Hahahahaha. You think she has friends. That’s cute.

The last bits that I remember are, at one point when he wanted to punish her, (I forget for what, I’m assuming some overreaction of his) he spanks her. This was an agreed upon punishment. But after it’s done, he leaves. He doesn’t do any sort of aftercare. Which is a massively important part of making sure that your partner is emotionally and mentally safe after a rigorous or trying (be it mentally, physically, or both) scene.

(AFTERCARE IS MAJORLY IMPORTANT. THAT IS LIKE A KEY FACTOR IN ANY BDSM RELATIONSHIP. WHAT. THE. FUCK. E.L. JAMES DID YOU NOT DO YOUR RESEARCH. Omfg. Now I want to buy the book and just so I can burn it but then I’d be wasting money I don’t have.)

Last up and then I want to go stab things.

At the end of the book, once again, some stupid thing happens and Anastasia agrees to do one of her hard limits, hoping that will make him feel better. Early on in the session, she realizes that this is too much for her. She considered safe-wording out, but didn’t feel safe enough to safe-word. This is ENTIRELY Edward’s (oops) fault. He created an atmosphere where she could not trust him to abide by the most cardinal rule of BDSM. She worried that he would ignore the safe word, or punish her, or hurt her for it.

(The fact she didn’t feel safe to safe-word is a major problem. Trust again is the key to a BDSM relationship.)

So the scene ends and she’s distraught and she breaks up with him because she can’t handle this anymore. And the book ends that way. And that would have been amazing. Were it not for the sequels that get them together again. But I haven’t read those – I will never read those. Same goes for the movies, so now I’m officially done and I’m going to stab things now.

(Jfc.)

There’s actually more fucked-up shit in the books that I didn’t get into here. So if for whatever reason, you want to read this for yourself, (I seriously suggest not doing that, but to each their own) just know that some other trigger-warning-worthy topics that come up are: statutory rape, childhood trauma (abuse/neglect)

Disclaimer: We here at The Inner Workings (Keely Reeves and Angela Ash) would like to note that Fifty Shades of Grey is not a good example of a BDSM relationship. We do not condone what Fifty Shades of Grey depicts and we do not support it.

If you would like to learn what BDSM is really about, please see the links below.

What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles, Safety Rules, and More

A Sex Expert Reveals What BDSM Is & How ‘Fifty Shades’ Gets It All Wrong

Fifty Shades versus BDSM: The reality of consent

Want more content? Don’t worry. Angela and I are not even close to being done with our Twilight trash talk blog series. Upcoming we talk about Bella Swan the Mary Sue, why the movies were so blue, the Cullens, Charlie the greatest dad ever and why Bella doesn’t deserve him, the Volturi and who the hell made them boss, and so much more!

Thank you for joining us for this, and we hope that maybe you learn something!

-A & K

Part Three: Renesmee and Imprinting

August 13, 2021August 31, 2021Posted in A&K Blog Series, Fandom, TwilightTagged Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Imprint, Jacob Black, Renesmee, Shapeshifters, Twilight, VampiresLeave a comment

Here is part three! We discuss Renesmee and that whole, plot. *cringe*

I’m not sure I have anything to say at this point that hasn’t already been said. But every single second of this plot was a goddamned catastrophe.

(Seriously. I feel like Breaking Dawn is the worst of the four books. Like they’re all bad. But it’s the worst one.)

The main points we’ve all been over:

Godawful name. I just. It’s. Bad.

She’s a fucking baby. Nobody should fall in love with a fucking baby. That’s horrendous and there are no words to fully describe that horror. Leave that poor infant alone. Absolutely disgusting.

“It’s okay because he won’t date her until she’s 18.” NO! That’s grooming. He literally will be hovering over her and “guiding her” (vomit) and hanging around her, influencing her choices for her ENTIRE life and then when she’s of a legal age, then he’s going to use that influence he has to get her to be romantic with him. Not fucking okay. Bella & Edward (and the entire Cullen clan, come on, people) need to rip Jacob to shreds this exact second.

Now let’s talk about the aging. I’m horrified by everything above but it leads into the next consideration. Jacob’s already angling for when he’s gonna get to be with this fucking baby and then we learn she ages quickly. Does her mental age advance as quickly as her physical age? Mental age is determined by more than just brain development, it’s also determined by experiences. She’s not going to be able to go out and experience things until she’s reached a physical standstill, because how do you explain a teenage-bodied four-year-old? Which one is the pedophile gonna wait for? Body age; mental age; actual literal birth years? None of this is okay.

Renesmee. Oh my god. That is an awful name. How do you even say that? Re-Nez-May? But before we get to that awful name for a child and the child itself. We need to talk about Carlisle.

Carlisle has been alive since what, the 1600s? Maybe? Give or take? He’s seen some shit. He’s traveled the world, learned all medical stuff, seen history. Are you seriously telling me that that man did not know that if a vampire male has sex with a female human that there is a possibility of pregnancy? Are you kidding me? How did you not know that, Carlisle? I am questioning you, a lot.

Let’s not forget that the Denali sisters, Tanya, Kate, and Irina (I had to Google their names) are just as old as Carlisle, if not older. Are you telling me that they didn’t know? I mean come on, those sisters probably were the origins of the whole succubus stories. They slept with human men (probably killing them a few times). You think they didn’t know that male vampire plus human female could equal baby?

Also I’m pretty sure that one of the vampire men in the Denali coven was a part of the Volturi. You think the Volturi didn’t know about these half-vampire, half-human children? Come on, they’ve been ruling over vampires for centuries. They knew about the Immortal Children (children that were turned when they were still a toddler). Puh-lease, no. They had to have known. That was such a plot hole problem for me.

Let’s talk about these half-vampire, half-human children. Now, they are half-vampire so they are super strong and the mothers go through hell in this pregnancy. Bella looked like a corpse. And while we are talking about Bella’s pregnancy, I have issues.

Bella is losing weight and can’t eat anything. They’re all concerned because the fetus is basically killing her. She’s not getting any nutrients. The fetus is getting all of it. She’s dying, basically. Alice and Jasper are Team Edward Let’s Yank this Fetus Monster Out of Bella Before She Dies. Rosalie and Emmett are Team Bella Let’s Keep The Thing That is Literally Killing Because It’s Mine.

(Was Emmett on that team? I don’t remember seeing him at all when this went down. Yes, he was. Because Rosalie was and that boy is whipped.)

I can’t remember what Carlisle and Esme were, but I think they were Team Let’s Be Rational About This and FInd Another Way.

Either way, Bella is dying. Edward is also dying because he’s watching the woman he loves wither away. The fetus is literally breaking bones. Bella is skeletal. She needs nutrients but she can’t keep anything down without getting sick.

Which leads me to my next point.

How is it that is it the shapeshifter who points out (mind you, mentally) that maybe the fetus wants blood like it’s bloodsucker father?

Carlisle. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR. HOW DID THIS SLIP YOUR MIND? Edward, he kind of has an excuse. Poor guy is withering away, himself. He’s losing his mind. But Carlisle, come on. Hell, any other vampire in the room! The damn shapeshifter had to point out that the half-vampire fetus wants blood! Just. . . .wow. I can’t even.

Bella gets better, drinks human blood like it’s a normal thing and jeez, she’s a freak. The shapeshifters are “We can not let this thing be born!” Jacob, because he loves Bella so much, even now, is like “Fucking touch her, and see what happens.” More or less. The fetus is born. And by that I mean it’s a seriously horrifying scene. Reading it was awful. But seeing it? Even more so. Just. . . .*shudders* I’d share the scene from Breaking Dawn: Part One, but honestly, you don’t need that in your life.

Baby is born. Rosalie snatches it like it’s hers. Edward is plum losing it because Bella is dead. (She’s not, chill Eddie.) Jacob is all gungho ready to kill the baby. Then he sees her and the world stops and suddenly, she is his whole world.

Jacob imprints on a damn baby. A baby that is like, at most, an hour old.

Are you fucking serious? What kind of bullshit is that?

First, what is imprinting. It’s when a shapeshifter looks at someone and there’s like a click. Their imprint is their perfect mate. They are meant to be. (Sorry. I think I gagged a bit in my mouth.) They are soulmates. Yeah, Jacob’s soulmate is a baby.

But hey, don’t worry. Right now, he’ll just be the best babysitter and big brother. Then once she’s old enough, if she wants to be something more it’s up to her.

Sorry. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. IN WHAT KIND OF UNIVERSE IS THAT FUCKING OKAY. WHAT THE SHIT. I CAN’T EVEN.

I straight up threw the book after I read that. I chunked that godawful book across the room where it hit the wall hard and I had to go take a break. I think I grabbed a Harry Potter book to calm myself down.

NO. NO. NO. Meyer made us all think that this was normal? Acceptable? NO. Hell to the motherfucking no. That is not okay! Jacob is a pedophile. He’s going to help raise this little girl and then when she’s mature and past puberty, THEY ARE GOING TO BE A COUPLE.

I CAN’T EVEN.

I am so angry at this, and it’s been years since I’ve read Breaking Dawn.

That is not okay. No. Just no.

In part four, we talk about the monstrosity that Twilight brought us. . . .Fifty Shades of Gray. Angela will be taking the lead on this one.

– A & K

Part Two: Team Edward or Team Jacob

August 10, 2021August 31, 2021Posted in A&K Blog Series, Fandom, TwilightTagged Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Shapeshifters, Stephenie Meyer, Twilight, Vampires1 Comment

As promised, here is part two of our Twilight trash talk series. Enjoy!

So Angela,

Okay, first, let me introduce you to her. Angela is my best friend, I have known her for eleven years. (HOLY SHIT.) We met in our junior year of high school. The rest is history. She’s awesome, a bit of a disaster, loves fire way too much, but she’s Angie, my wifey and I love her. She is my guest blogger today (I’m trying something different.)

So, back on track. Angela, Team Edward or Team Jacob. GO.

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh.

Yeah, ok.

So. What team was I on when I read them the first times?

I think I was on Team Edward during the books and then Team Jacob for the movies. Jake annoyed me in the book, he came across as really whiny. Then Taylor Lautner existed and I forgave some things, haha.

(FUCKING TRUTH.)

I have since gotten on Team “you know what, fuck this, they ALL suck. And not even in the pun kind of way.”

They’re both abusive and manipulative. Both controlling and literally dangerous and yet the danger is the thing that concerns me the least?

Edward’s a fucking stalker. What the fuck.

(He watches her sleep before they ever even get together. That is so not okay. He even tells her that, I think. If a guy told me he snuck into my house to watch me sleep, I’d call the cops.)

I mean, really, this wouldn’t be okay even after they got together, which he still did. Even after they started dating, he still snuck into her room without telling her until a few days later, IIRC. I’m not a fan of sneaking in while someone’s sleeping under really any circumstances, but at the very fucking least, you make sure your partner knows and has okay’d it. “Can I come over tonight?” “I’ll probably be asleep, but just climb in through the window.” HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT?

Edward also abandons her. And look, breakups happen. That’s life. Fine. His dumb “I’m a tragic but heroic Romeo” bullshit aside, he has every right to dump her anytime he wants to. This wasn’t him breaking up with a girl, though. He took her TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS AND LEFT HER THERE.

WHY EDDIE.

WHAT THE FUCK EDDIE.

Then they get back together and he hates that she has a new friend and he has a new romantic rival.

So he takes apart her truck’s engine, literally physically isolating her so she cannot go see her friend. Don’t at me with the whole “he was just so concerned for her safety, what happens if Jake flips out.” She hangs at a vampire hotspot every damn day and one of them spent a couple hundred years killing humans before he very recently decided to chill out on that. Werewolves are dangerous if they get angry and lose control. (This is not something to ignore or brush away.) Vampires are dangerous if they are around any human in any capacity, angry or happy. So fuck off, Edward.

Then we have the fun part where she wants to fuck and he wants to marry her. And instead of them both talking about that, he emotionally blackmails her. If he wants to wait until marriage, power to him. Everyone is entitled to make that choice. No wrong answers there. But instead of asking her to marry him and accepting if she says “No, I don’t want to get married” (which she fucking says) and either breaking up with her because they want different things or coming to terms with the idea that while they stay together they don’t do it as a wedded couple, he decides to go the route of “Well if you ever want to fuck me, put a ring on it.” And THEN. “If you want me to be the one to turn you, you have to marry me.” That’s extortion. He keeps changing the rules and making everything she wants to do with him conditional on marriage.

So that’s Edward being a fuckboi.

Now Jake.

First he’s a friend and I’ve got no problem with him. (Also, he barely even features in Twilight so there’s not much of Jake to have a problem with.)

Then Edward dumps Bella and she’s a disaster and she hangs out with Jake and starts to feel better. He starts to like her. Feelings are feelings and you can’t help them and I don’t mind (or particularly care) that he liked her. Happens.

But she rejects him (and honestly, good for you, girl. She was so far from ready to jump into another relationship and she KNEW that and she stuck to her guns, and FANDOM, WHY DO WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT MORE???)

(I feel like we forget that sometimes Bella actually does something that is good, and you know, smart. Like that for instance. I forgot she stuck to not dating Jacob. There’s also the time when she punches Jacob. I’m sure there are other moments where Bella isn’t as a drag or an idiot as we make her out to be.)

and still wants to be friends. Now he’s got a choice. He can be like, “Hey, I really like you and being around you when you don’t feel the same way is a bummer for me. I can’t be around you anymore.” Honestly, I would have accepted that. It’s not fun for either person, but it is honest and respects both her feelings and his. Or he can be like, “Well damn. I like her but she doesn’t feel the same way. I’d hate to not have her in my life, though. Guess I’ll ride these feelings out until they hopefully go away” and leave her alone about his romantic feelings.

Our boy Jake doesn’t do either of those things. He whines and complains to her that she’s NOT BEING FAIR (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. THE AUDACITY.) for not giving him a chance.

Then Edward comes back and they both do their territorial bullshit.

(Men.)

Then Jacob kisses Bella without her consent. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy forever. That’s assault and it will never be okay. Meyer tried to normalize a lot of shit (see, everything that came above this post, and, oh yes, we will get to the other NIGHTMARE she tried to normalize, too.) and none of it should be normalized – none of it – but that some people saw this as (and that Meyer wrote this as) a win for Jacob makes my skin crawl.

Then Bella punches him (let’s circle back to: honestly, good for you, girl.) and it hurts her AND HE LAUGHS ABOUT IT. He laughs that his assault made her so mad she hit him to defend herself. And he laughs that she can’t hurt him. And he laughs that she got hurt trying.

Fuck this guy.

Then he finds out Bella is engaged and threatens to commit suicide specifically to elicit a reaction from her. That unless she can prove she loves him enough, (read: however much HE decides she should and in the exact way he decides she should) he will kill himself. The implication being it is her fault, because she didn’t care enough/try enough/love him enough to save him.

Fuck this guy.

And in the last book we got a brand new nightmare where Meyer, in an attempt to neatly wrap up the clusterfuck she created here, had him fall in love with an hours-old infant. (Barf.) And we will GET to that. But by that point in the book, the Team Whatevers had basically been resolved enough to not matter, IMO.

Oh, except for the part where Meyer wasn’t quite done with it yet. And even after Ed put a ring on it and knocked Bella up, Meyer STILL wanted us to think Jacob had a chance? What was with that whole “If she wants babies that bad she can have them with you.” Stephenie, why.

(OH MY GOD. I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PART. THAT WAS NO BEUNO. LIKE WHAT WAS THAT? I cringed. Seriously, reading that, I cringed and had to put Breaking Dawn down for a moment.)

That book got thrown across my room so many times, jfc.

Dude, same. Even before the whole big pregnancy reveal, I looked at Cindy and I remember saying “I bet she’s gonna get pregnant.” I was only in the middle of the wedding when I said that to her.

Pretty sure I was Team Jacob. But like before he was all whiny. When he was all dorky, cute friend Jacob.

(You were on Team Jacob in Twilight? I didn’t even know we’d broken into teams then lol. I didn’t know there were options until New Moon.)

Then, New Moon happened and I’m like “EW.” Because he annoyed the hell out of me.

There were tiny moments where I kind of liked Edward. LIke he was funny and sarcastic at times, and I was like, okay, I get why Blah Bella likes him. Jacob is like sunshine and rainbows, and I liked his attitude. A lot. (Well before he turned into a wolf, but we’ll get to that.)

But then I realized something. I didn’t want to be Team Edward or Team Jacob. Fuck them both. As much I don’t like Bella (we’ll get to that in a second), she deserved better.

LIke I said, I liked Jacob before he became a love interest and a werewolf. After he became a werewolf, he was so angsty, and y’all, we already had Edward’s a hundred years of angst. We didn’t need Jacob’s “I hate being a werewolf” angst.

Which, on another note. THEY ARE NOT WEREWOLVES. STEPHENIE MEYER KNOW YOUR DAMN LORE. THEY. ARE. NOT. WEREWOLVES. Werewolves either only change on the full moon or, depending on the book/show/what have you, have to change on the full moon. Silver affects them usually, depending on the lore, and most of the time, when they change, they have no control over their minds and want to hunt and kill things. Either way, the moon holds control over them.

The wolves in Twilight are not werewolves. They are shapeshifters. The moon has no control over them at all. They can shift whenever they want and they retain their minds. From henceforth they will be known as shapeshifters and not werewolves in this post. Thank you for reading. Back on track.

So yes. I liked Jacob. Then he changed and I was “nah, bro.” Also, he kissed Bella when she didn’t want to be kissed. She is shoving him away as he kisses her but again, he’s shapeshifter, so super strong. When he finally pulls away, he’s all smug. I think he asks. “That had to be better than kissing an ice sculpture.” Or something like that. He’s proud of kissing her. Bella punched him. You know, Blah Bella who is a doormat. That girl. She punched him, breaking her hand and then marched away, fuming. Jacob was like “What did I do, Bella?” All whiny and shit. LIKE HE DID NOTHING WRONG. Like no. That is not okay. You do not kiss someone who is clearly PUSHING YOU AWAY.

THEN, when she tells her dad, Charlie, he’s not even concerned about it? Like this boy forced your daughter into a kiss but you don’t care because you like this boy better than her actual boyfriend?

No, dude. No.

Now, Edward.

Oh, Edward.

Angela mentioned it above but what the fuck. Edward. You leave your girlfriend, whom you know is clumsy in the woods. Are you fucking kidding? Like no. What kind of break up is that? Also, then you find out that she died (she didn’t die, Jacob saved her after she was a moron and dived off a cliff) and your response is to kill yourself. Eddie, you need therapy. So does Bella. (Or you know, everyone, tbh.)

So Edward is back. Yay. But he doesn’t want Bella near Jacob because SHAPESHIFTERS are dangerous. First of all, no man, even if you are dating them, has any right to tell you who you can and can not speak to. Also, Edward, aren’t YOU dangerous? I mean, her blood sings to you and you want to drain her dry like she’s a Caprisun. Is Jacob dangerous? Sure, he can lose his temper and she could get mauled by a giant red wolf. (Would we really be upset at that though?) However, Jacob can control his temper. He left because he didn’t want to hurt her.

Edward doesn’t know Jacob. He’s judging him based solely on what he knows. Now Bella, she’s kind of found a bit of confidence. She actually kind of grew as a person, a smidge, not a lot, while Edward was gone. Jacob was good for her (well, he was until he turned into a whiny bitch

(Haha. Bitch. Sorry, please continue.)

Edward doesn’t like this newfound independence. He’s used to getting his way. Bella isn’t letting him do that. (Currently.) She wants to see her friend. So she gets into her truck to do so. What has Edward done? He has removed a part of the car so she can’t drive. I remember reading that being like “OH HELL NO.” If I was Bella, I would’ve marched my butt inside to my cop dad, told him that Edward destroyed my truck and asked him to take me to Jacob’s house. What could Edward have done? Charlie doesn’t know about vampires and shapeshifters. Edward could’ve done absolutely nothing.

The relationship would’ve been over right there. Bye, bye, Edward. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. (And take your shitty Volvo and 100 years of repressed sexual desires with you, thanks.)

Either way. Jacob and Edward both suck. You have a whiny bitch or a manipulative bitch. Wait, hang on. Sorry, they are both whiny and manipulative. There is no Team Edward. There is no Team Jacob. It is Team…I don’t know what Team, but definitely not them.

Team Die in a Fiery Motorcycle Crash?

Oh, I like that.

In part three, we discuss Renesmee, not only her horrible name but that godawful plot line. Stay tuned!

– A & K