Here is part three! We discuss Renesmee and that whole, plot. *cringe*

I’m not sure I have anything to say at this point that hasn’t already been said. But every single second of this plot was a goddamned catastrophe.

(Seriously. I feel like Breaking Dawn is the worst of the four books. Like they’re all bad. But it’s the worst one.)

The main points we’ve all been over:

Godawful name. I just. It’s. Bad.

She’s a fucking baby. Nobody should fall in love with a fucking baby. That’s horrendous and there are no words to fully describe that horror. Leave that poor infant alone. Absolutely disgusting.

“It’s okay because he won’t date her until she’s 18.” NO! That’s grooming. He literally will be hovering over her and “guiding her” (vomit) and hanging around her, influencing her choices for her ENTIRE life and then when she’s of a legal age, then he’s going to use that influence he has to get her to be romantic with him. Not fucking okay. Bella & Edward (and the entire Cullen clan, come on, people) need to rip Jacob to shreds this exact second.

Now let’s talk about the aging. I’m horrified by everything above but it leads into the next consideration. Jacob’s already angling for when he’s gonna get to be with this fucking baby and then we learn she ages quickly. Does her mental age advance as quickly as her physical age? Mental age is determined by more than just brain development, it’s also determined by experiences. She’s not going to be able to go out and experience things until she’s reached a physical standstill, because how do you explain a teenage-bodied four-year-old? Which one is the pedophile gonna wait for? Body age; mental age; actual literal birth years? None of this is okay.

Renesmee. Oh my god. That is an awful name. How do you even say that? Re-Nez-May? But before we get to that awful name for a child and the child itself. We need to talk about Carlisle.

Carlisle has been alive since what, the 1600s? Maybe? Give or take? He’s seen some shit. He’s traveled the world, learned all medical stuff, seen history. Are you seriously telling me that that man did not know that if a vampire male has sex with a female human that there is a possibility of pregnancy? Are you kidding me? How did you not know that, Carlisle? I am questioning you, a lot. 

Let’s not forget that the Denali sisters, Tanya, Kate, and Irina (I had to Google their names) are just as old as Carlisle, if not older. Are you telling me that they didn’t know? I mean come on, those sisters probably were the origins of the whole succubus stories. They slept with human men (probably killing them a few times). You think they didn’t know that male vampire plus human female could equal baby? 

Also I’m pretty sure that one of the vampire men in the Denali coven was a part of the Volturi. You think the Volturi didn’t know about these half-vampire, half-human children? Come on, they’ve been ruling over vampires for centuries. They knew about the Immortal Children (children that were turned when they were still a toddler). Puh-lease, no. They had to have known. That was such a plot hole problem for me. 

Let’s talk about these half-vampire, half-human children. Now, they are half-vampire so they are super strong and the mothers go through hell in this pregnancy. Bella looked like a corpse. And while we are talking about Bella’s pregnancy, I have issues.

Bella is losing weight and can’t eat anything. They’re all concerned because the fetus is basically killing her. She’s not getting any nutrients. The fetus is getting all of it. She’s dying, basically. Alice and Jasper are Team Edward Let’s Yank this Fetus Monster Out of Bella Before She Dies. Rosalie and Emmett are Team Bella Let’s Keep The Thing That is Literally Killing Because It’s Mine.

(Was Emmett on that team? I don’t remember seeing him at all when this went down. Yes, he was. Because Rosalie was and that boy is whipped.)

I can’t remember what Carlisle and Esme were, but I think they were Team Let’s Be Rational About This and FInd Another Way. 

Either way, Bella is dying. Edward is also dying because he’s watching the woman he loves wither away. The fetus is literally breaking bones. Bella is skeletal. She needs nutrients but she can’t keep anything down without getting sick.

Which leads me to my next point.

How is it that is it the shapeshifter who points out (mind you, mentally) that maybe the fetus wants blood like it’s bloodsucker father? 

Carlisle. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR. HOW DID THIS SLIP YOUR MIND? Edward, he kind of has an excuse. Poor guy is withering away, himself. He’s losing his mind. But Carlisle, come on. Hell, any other vampire in the room!  The damn shapeshifter had to point out that the half-vampire fetus wants blood! Just. . . .wow. I can’t even. 

Bella gets better, drinks human blood like it’s a normal thing and jeez, she’s a freak. The shapeshifters are “We can not let this thing be born!” Jacob, because he loves Bella so much, even now, is like “Fucking touch her, and see what happens.” More or less. The fetus is born. And by that I mean it’s a seriously horrifying scene. Reading it was awful. But seeing it? Even more so. Just. . . .*shudders* I’d share the scene from Breaking Dawn: Part One, but honestly, you don’t need that in your life.

Baby is born. Rosalie snatches it like it’s hers. Edward is plum losing it because Bella is dead. (She’s not, chill Eddie.) Jacob is all gungho ready to kill the baby. Then he sees her and the world stops and suddenly, she is his whole world. 

Jacob imprints on a damn baby. A baby that is like, at most, an hour old. 

Are you fucking serious? What kind of bullshit is that? 

First, what is imprinting. It’s when a shapeshifter looks at someone and there’s like a click. Their imprint is their perfect mate. They are meant to be. (Sorry. I think I gagged a bit in my mouth.) They are soulmates. Yeah, Jacob’s soulmate is a baby. 

But hey, don’t worry. Right now, he’ll just be the best babysitter and big brother. Then once she’s old enough, if she wants to be something more it’s up to her. 

Sorry. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. IN WHAT KIND OF UNIVERSE IS THAT FUCKING OKAY. WHAT THE SHIT. I CAN’T EVEN. 

I straight up threw the book after I read that. I chunked that godawful book across the room where it hit the wall hard and I had to go take a break. I think I grabbed a Harry Potter book to calm myself down.

NO. NO. NO. Meyer made us all think that this was normal? Acceptable? NO. Hell to the motherfucking no. That is not okay! Jacob is a pedophile. He’s going to help raise this little girl and then when she’s mature and past puberty, THEY ARE GOING TO BE A COUPLE. 

I CAN’T EVEN. 

I am so angry at this, and it’s been years since I’ve read Breaking Dawn. 

That is not okay. No. Just no. 

In part four, we talk about the monstrosity that Twilight brought us. . . .Fifty Shades of Gray. Angela will be taking the lead on this one.

– A & K