Part Two: Team Edward or Team Jacob

As promised, here is part two of our Twilight trash talk series. Enjoy!

So Angela, 

Okay, first, let me introduce you to her. Angela is my best friend, I have known her for eleven years. (HOLY SHIT.) We met in our junior year of high school. The rest is history. She’s awesome, a bit of a disaster, loves fire way too much, but she’s Angie, my wifey and I love her. She is my guest blogger today (I’m trying something different.)

So, back on track. Angela, Team Edward or Team Jacob. GO

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh.

Yeah, ok.

So. What team was I on when I read them the first times? 

I think I was on Team Edward during the books and then Team Jacob for the movies. Jake annoyed me in the book, he came across as really whiny. Then Taylor Lautner existed and I forgave some things, haha.

(FUCKING TRUTH.)

I have since gotten on Team “you know what, fuck this, they ALL suck. And not even in the pun kind of way.”

They’re both abusive and manipulative. Both controlling and literally dangerous and yet the danger is the thing that concerns me the least? 

Edward’s a fucking stalker. What the fuck.

(He watches her sleep before they ever even get together. That is so not okay. He even tells her that, I think. If a guy told me he snuck into my house to watch me sleep, I’d call the cops.)

I mean, really, this wouldn’t be okay even after they got together, which he still did. Even after they started dating, he still snuck into her room without telling her until a few days later, IIRC. I’m not a fan of sneaking in while someone’s sleeping under really any circumstances, but at the very fucking least, you make sure your partner knows and has okay’d it. “Can I come over tonight?” “I’ll probably be asleep, but just climb in through the window.” HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT?

Edward also abandons her. And look, breakups happen. That’s life. Fine. His dumb “I’m a tragic but heroic Romeo” bullshit aside, he has every right to dump her anytime he wants to. This wasn’t him breaking up with a girl, though. He took her TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS AND LEFT HER THERE.

WHY EDDIE.

WHAT THE FUCK EDDIE.

Then they get back together and he hates that she has a new friend and he has a new romantic rival. 

So he takes apart her truck’s engine, literally physically isolating her so she cannot go see her friend. Don’t at me with the whole “he was just so concerned for her safety, what happens if Jake flips out.” She hangs at a vampire hotspot every damn day and one of them spent a couple hundred years killing humans before he very recently decided to chill out on that. Werewolves are dangerous if they get angry and lose control. (This is not something to ignore or brush away.) Vampires are dangerous if they are around any human in any capacity, angry or happy. So fuck off, Edward.

Then we have the fun part where she wants to fuck and he wants to marry her. And instead of them both talking about that, he emotionally blackmails her. If he wants to wait until marriage, power to him. Everyone is entitled to make that choice. No wrong answers there. But instead of asking her to marry him and accepting if she says “No, I don’t want to get married” (which she fucking says) and either breaking up with her because they want different things or coming to terms with the idea that while they stay together they don’t do it as a wedded couple, he decides to go the route of “Well if you ever want to fuck me, put a ring on it.” And THEN. “If you want me to be the one to turn you, you have to marry me.” That’s extortion. He keeps changing the rules and making everything she wants to do with him conditional on marriage.

So that’s Edward being a fuckboi.

Now Jake.

First he’s a friend and I’ve got no problem with him. (Also, he barely even features in Twilight so there’s not much of Jake to have a problem with.)

Then Edward dumps Bella and she’s a disaster and she hangs out with Jake and starts to feel better. He starts to like her. Feelings are feelings and you can’t help them and I don’t mind (or particularly care) that he liked her. Happens.

But she rejects him (and honestly, good for you, girl. She was so far from ready to jump into another relationship and she KNEW that and she stuck to her guns, and FANDOM, WHY DO WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT MORE???)

(I feel like we forget that sometimes Bella actually does something that is good, and you know, smart. Like that for instance. I forgot she stuck to not dating Jacob. There’s also the time when she punches Jacob. I’m sure there are other moments where Bella isn’t as a drag or an idiot as we make her out to be.)

and still wants to be friends. Now he’s got a choice. He can be like, “Hey, I really like you and being around you when you don’t feel the same way is a bummer for me. I can’t be around you anymore.” Honestly, I would have accepted that. It’s not fun for either person, but it is honest and respects both her feelings and his. Or he can be like, “Well damn. I like her but she doesn’t feel the same way. I’d hate to not have her in my life, though. Guess I’ll ride these feelings out until they hopefully go away” and leave her alone about his romantic feelings.

Our boy Jake doesn’t do either of those things. He whines and complains to her that she’s NOT BEING FAIR (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. THE AUDACITY.) for not giving him a chance. 

Then Edward comes back and they both do their territorial bullshit.

(Men.)

Then Jacob kisses Bella without her consent. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy forever. That’s assault and it will never be okay. Meyer tried to normalize a lot of shit (see, everything that came above this post, and, oh yes, we will get to the other NIGHTMARE she tried to normalize, too.) and none of it should be normalized – none of it – but that some people saw this as (and that Meyer wrote this as) a win for Jacob makes my skin crawl.

Then Bella punches him (let’s circle back to: honestly, good for you, girl.) and it hurts her AND HE LAUGHS ABOUT IT. He laughs that his assault made her so mad she hit him to defend herself. And he laughs that she can’t hurt him. And he laughs that she got hurt trying.

Fuck this guy.

Then he finds out Bella is engaged and threatens to commit suicide specifically to elicit a reaction from her. That unless she can prove she loves him enough, (read: however much HE decides she should and in the exact way he decides she should) he will kill himself. The implication being it is her fault, because she didn’t care enough/try enough/love him enough to save him.

Fuck this guy.

And in the last book we got a brand new nightmare where Meyer, in an attempt to neatly wrap up the clusterfuck she created here, had him fall in love with an hours-old infant. (Barf.) And we will GET to that. But by that point in the book, the Team Whatevers had basically been resolved enough to not matter, IMO.

Oh, except for the part where Meyer wasn’t quite done with it yet. And even after Ed put a ring on it and knocked Bella up, Meyer STILL wanted us to think Jacob had a chance? What was with that whole “If she wants babies that bad she can have them with you.” Stephenie, why.

(OH MY GOD. I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PART. THAT WAS NO BEUNO. LIKE WHAT WAS THAT? I cringed. Seriously, reading that, I cringed and had to put Breaking Dawn down for a moment.)

That book got thrown across my room so many times, jfc.

Dude, same. Even before the whole big pregnancy reveal, I looked at Cindy and I remember saying “I bet she’s gonna get pregnant.” I was only in the middle of the wedding when I said that to her.

Pretty sure I was Team Jacob. But like before he was all whiny. When he was all dorky, cute friend Jacob.

(You were on Team Jacob in Twilight? I didn’t even know we’d broken into teams then lol. I didn’t know there were options until New Moon.)

Then, New Moon happened and I’m like “EW.” Because he annoyed the hell out of me. 

There were tiny moments where I kind of liked Edward. LIke he was funny and sarcastic at times, and I was like, okay, I get why Blah Bella likes him. Jacob is like sunshine and rainbows, and I liked his attitude. A lot. (Well before he turned into a wolf, but we’ll get to that.)

But then I realized something. I didn’t want to be Team Edward or Team Jacob. Fuck them both. As much I don’t like Bella (we’ll get to that in a second), she deserved better. 

LIke I said, I liked Jacob before he became a love interest and a werewolf. After he became a werewolf, he was so angsty, and y’all, we already had Edward’s a hundred years of angst. We didn’t need Jacob’s “I hate being a werewolf” angst. 

Which, on another note. THEY ARE NOT WEREWOLVES. STEPHENIE MEYER KNOW YOUR DAMN LORE. THEY. ARE. NOT. WEREWOLVES. Werewolves either only change on the full moon or, depending on the book/show/what have you, have to change on the full moon. Silver affects them usually, depending on the lore, and most of the time, when they change, they have no control over their minds and want to hunt and kill things. Either way, the moon holds control over them. 

The wolves in Twilight are not werewolves. They are shapeshifters. The moon has no control over them at all. They can shift whenever they want and they retain their minds. From henceforth they will be known as shapeshifters and not werewolves in this post. Thank you for reading. Back on track. 

So yes. I liked Jacob. Then he changed and I was “nah, bro.” Also, he kissed Bella when she didn’t want to be kissed. She is shoving him away as he kisses her but again, he’s shapeshifter, so super strong. When he finally pulls away, he’s all smug. I think he asks. “That had to be better than kissing an ice sculpture.” Or something like that. He’s proud of kissing her. Bella punched him. You know, Blah Bella who is a doormat. That girl. She punched him, breaking her hand and then marched away, fuming. Jacob was like “What did I do, Bella?” All whiny and shit. LIKE HE DID NOTHING WRONG. Like no. That is not okay. You do not kiss someone who is clearly PUSHING YOU AWAY

THEN, when she tells her dad, Charlie, he’s not even concerned about it? Like this boy forced your daughter into a kiss but you don’t care because you like this boy better than her actual boyfriend? 

No, dude. No. 

Now, Edward. 

Oh, Edward. 

Angela mentioned it above but what the fuck. Edward. You leave your girlfriend, whom you know is clumsy in the woods. Are you fucking kidding? Like no. What kind of break up is that? Also, then you find out that she died (she didn’t die, Jacob saved her after she was a moron and dived off a cliff) and your response is to kill yourself. Eddie, you need therapy. So does Bella. (Or you know, everyone, tbh.)

So Edward is back. Yay. But he doesn’t want Bella near Jacob because SHAPESHIFTERS are dangerous. First of all, no man, even if you are dating them, has any right to tell you who you can and can not speak to. Also, Edward, aren’t YOU dangerous? I mean, her blood sings to you and you want to drain her dry like she’s a Caprisun. Is Jacob dangerous? Sure, he can lose his temper and she could get mauled by a giant red wolf. (Would we really be upset at that though?) However, Jacob can control his temper. He left because he didn’t want to hurt her. 

Edward doesn’t know Jacob. He’s judging him based solely on what he knows. Now Bella, she’s kind of found a bit of confidence. She actually kind of grew as a person, a smidge, not a lot, while Edward was gone. Jacob was good for her (well, he was until he turned into a whiny bitch

(Haha. Bitch. Sorry, please continue.)

Edward doesn’t like this newfound independence. He’s used to getting his way. Bella isn’t letting him do that. (Currently.) She wants to see her friend. So she gets into her truck to do so. What has Edward done? He has removed a part of the car so she can’t drive. I remember reading that being like “OH HELL NO.” If I was Bella, I would’ve marched my butt inside to my cop dad, told him that Edward destroyed my truck and asked him to take me to Jacob’s house. What could Edward have done? Charlie doesn’t know about vampires and shapeshifters. Edward could’ve done absolutely nothing.

The relationship would’ve been over right there. Bye, bye, Edward. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. (And take your shitty Volvo and 100 years of repressed sexual desires with you, thanks.) 

Either way. Jacob and Edward both suck. You have a whiny bitch or a manipulative bitch. Wait, hang on. Sorry, they are both whiny and manipulative. There is no Team Edward. There is no Team Jacob. It is Team…I don’t know what Team, but definitely not them.

Team Die in a Fiery Motorcycle Crash?

Oh, I like that. 

In part three, we discuss Renesmee, not only her horrible name but that godawful plot line. Stay tuned!

– A & K

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