Part Six: Twilight – The Movies

Now, y’all probably don’t know this, but I have a film background. One of my bachelor’s is in motion pictures. That being said, even before I started to get into movies, boy did the entire Twilight movie franchise piss me off. You know, film wise. I’m not even talking about the shitty plot. No, I’m talking about how it was filmed.


(It’s so blue. I don’t understand. It’s so blue!)

Seriously. The ENTIRE movie franchise is SO. DAMN. BLUE. Why? Why was this an aesthetic choice? Why blue? 

If I was the director, blue would not be the color I’d choose. Like at all. Forks is supposed to be like this really green place. In the books, Bella is always complaining about how green it is. That being said. . .WHY THE FUCK BLUE. I can not say that enough. I would not pick blue. Instead of blue, I’d like over saturated the colors. Make that green pop. Make Forks look like some damn Wonderland place, really play on the whole it’s too green thing. If you really wanted to be creative with the color scheme, that’s what I’d do. 

Or, I’d warm up the colors, make the people look normal. But then, I’d make the Cullens a different color. When they are on screen, maybe they are blue (you know since they’re dead) or maybe their colors are muted. Or maybe they have a red tint to them since you know, they drink blood to survive. 

That is what I would do, personally. 

Or you know what, keep the colors normal

Here’s a clip that someone did from Twilight with the colors being almost normal. They still need to warmed up but it’s better than the blue.

Twilight is the worst contender for the horrible blue tint. In the later movies, they scrap that and keep the colors normal. It’s a bit jarring at first, when you watch New Moon and expect it to be all blue and you’re like, oh thank god.

As I stated before, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had to work with what they had. Now for people who play love interests, they have NO chemistry. (But that is another blog post where we’ll discuss the love interests on screen with zero chemistry. Trust me. There are a lot. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan from Fifty Shades for example. No. Chemistry.) 

Both Stewart and Pattinson come off as. . .awkward. And not in a good way. Stewart makes weird expressions that don’t really match with what she’s saying as Bella. It’s funny. I used to think she had no facial expressions and was all blank face. But when I rewatched the movies as an adult and with newer, film eyes, I realized it’s awkward because she has too many expressions.

(Haha, that’s true. Oh that’s sad. She put all her range into a rangeless character. Oof.)

It’s like. . .she’s overacting. Like she’s a caricature. LIke her face can’t decide what it wants to do. It does not work. At all

Pattinson, who was absolutely charming and adorable as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, is awkward. He comes off as creepy and awkward (shit, I said that I need a new word). Which I mean, I guess is in character since Eddie is a creeper stalker dude. But he’s also supposed to be charming and all sauve and shit but that doesn’t come off? I mean if I met the Edward in the movie, I’d grab my pepper spray. (I mean, I’d grab my pepper spray for Eddie in the book too, though.) No one hates Twilight as much as Pattinson hates Twilight. I read a story once when he was somewhere and everyone was screaming “EDWARD!” and this one person was like “CEDRIC!” Pattinson went to that person and gave them an autograph.

I love that story.

Right? It’s so cute.

I feel bad for Pattinson and Stewart because due to the atrocity called Twilight, they are seen as terrible actors. They aren’t.

Thankfully, I think that’s finally starting to turn around. I’ll talk about it a bit more in mine.

Do you know how I get through the Twilight movies? The side characters. Like Jessica who is played by the wonderful Anna Kendrick.

Woot woot!

Seriously, the next time (though I don’t know why you’d willingly watch Twilight. . .) just pay attention to her. I feel like they didn’t give Anna Kendrick a script. They told her to just talk. It’s great. 

Also, Charlie. Since the books are written in Bella’s POV (*gag*) you don’t really get to see what everyone else is doing. She’s not a reliable narrator and she’s all like “Ohmygod, Eddie!” (Said in like an obnoxious anime girl voice.) But with the movies, you get to know Charlie better. Charlie is great. I love him. He SO deserves better. (More on Charlie in part seven.) 

They broke up the last book, Breaking Dawn, into two parts. Which, I mean, I guess? Whatever.


The movies are just as bad as the books. They are boring and dull. The acting is terrible, which again is not the actors’ faults, the writing is to blame. I’m trying to think of something good to say about the movies besides Jessica and Charlie but like, there’s nothing good to say. I will say that I like that we kind of know more about James and his gang before you meet them at the baseball field. That’s interesting. Breaks up the boredom.

OH. I know. 

The soundtracks. The soundtracks are pretty awesome. The soundtracks deserve better than the Twilight movies but they are awesome. They did not have to go that hard but they did.

Here’s a playlist that I found on Spotify.

We got songs like “Decode” and “I Caught Myself” by Paramore. “Eyes on Fire” by Blue Foundation. “Supermassive Black Hole” by Muse. “Leave Out All the Rest” by Linkin Park. 

The one part that I will say I liked was in Breaking Dawn Part 2. They’re all facing off against the Volturi (shit, does that need to be a separate part too, Angela?).

Oh, I could think of some shit to say, sure.

They’re all against the Volturi and they’re fighting. Carlisle loses his head. Seth dies. Jasper dies. Then Aro is killed by Bella and Edward. And you’re like “Whoa, whoa, whoa. WHAT? Because that wasn’t a part of the book at all. It definitely throws you off. I was like, “DAMN!” I didn’t know what they were doing with it but I liked it.

. . . .then it came back to the present and you realized it was a vision by Alice. Which brings me into another rant.

(Enraged snoring, somehow.)

In Eclipse (I think it was Eclipse?) it was established that Alice can’t see the shapeshifters. New Moon, maybe? Since that whole “Bella jumped off a cliff and never resurfaced” thing happened? But then in Breaking Dawn Part 2. . .she can? Meyer, you broke your own lore. What the fuck. Don’t break your own lore. Like, what the hell. I can’t even. (Is that also my catch phrase?)

I can’t even talk about the monstrosity that was that baby. I feel like CGI would’ve been better. That thing was horrific. *shudders* 

Okay, so as previously mentioned, everything is blue and it doesn’t make sense and it is mind-boggling and frustrating. But the WORST thing in Twilight. Not the source material (iffy), the acting/directing choices (oof), the writing (yikes). It’s. The make-up.

(My 12 year old brother could do better make-up than that disaster.)




I’m not much of a make-up person, but I was in theater in eighth grade and so I know the bare fucking minimum about stage make-up. I know about blending. All you have to do is make sure there’s not a line as pronounced as the fucking coastline showing that this is not your actual skin color. And since the vampires were supposed to be walking jars of mayonnaise, make sure their fucking neck is white, too.

HOW DID THE MAKE-UP DEPARTMENT (was there a make-up department? This seems like the kind of job that they just pulled a random person off the street and said, “Hey, you want 5 bucks?” If that’s the case, at least this would make sense and be… not forgivable, but understandable.) FUCK THIS UP SO HARD.

You can clearly see where they were like “this is the corpse part of Edward’s body” and then “this is where we gave up.”

(Let’s not even comment on his “glittering skin” that was something they totally bought from Bath and Body Works. . .That was terrible and just what?)

Oh my god, the sparkles. Okay. When I saw the movies, I had already read the books so I knew to expect sparkles. I honestly expected it to look like when middle-schoolers got a hold of body glitter (don’t judge, it’s easier than make-up. It’s not better, but it’s easier and sometimes that’s what matters. – Don’t listen to me, especially since this is seventh-grade me giving advice.). But what we got was worse than that. I didn’t think his skin was sparkling, I thought his skin was boiling. My boyfriend at the time (poor fucking guy watching this movie) thought Edward looked like a fish. He had scales.

And whose bright idea was it to give Bella (human) the same skin tone as the walking corpses? I know the books said she was pale, but nowhere in the books did it say she already looked dead.

(I fucking snorted.)

They did get better in the later movies (they gave up entirely in the later movies, but it was still an improvement). But before we could get that reprieve, they did Carlisle dirty. I’ve seen photos of the actor just out being normal, and yeah, he’s attractive. But as Carlisle? They painted his face white and dyed his hair blond (and slicked it back! Why???) and the first time I saw him on screen (every time I see him on screen in that movie) all I could think was “naked mole rat.” I don’t know why, but every time Carlisle Cullen walks into the hospital, I’m reminded of Rufus from Kim Possible.

Now here’s the actor, Peter Facinelli. We had no idea he was a good looking guy.

Elizabeth Reaser (Esme Cullen) with Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen)

See? If they had put him on screen, I would have paid a lot more attention.

(Heelllllooooo, Daddy. Ahem. Sorry.)

I had no idea he was actually attractive, I had to go and look it up. I had wondered “why did they cast an unattractive man to play an attractive man?” They didn’t. They cast an attractive man and made him unattractive. The choices this movie made

The chick who played Rosalie, Nikki Reed (who is funny enough married to the guy who plays Damon Salvatore aka Ian Somerhalder) ruined her hair for these movies. Like fucking fried her hair. Also, it wasn’t even a good dye job! Her hair was so yellow and it definitely needed some damn toner. Seriously, purple shampoo would have made that less brassy and actually a pretty blonde. As someone who dyes her hair at home, I could’ve done a better job than those professionals. What the fuck, ya’ll.

This is a screen shot from the movie. They look like wax figures. *shudders*

Oh my god the wigs. Jacob’s wig. Jacob’s fucking wig. I can’t. Remember how I said that I forgave Jake for being awful because of Taylor Lautner? That didn’t happen until Movie #2 when they cut his hair.

(OH. I forgot his wig. I like deleted it from my brain. Why did you remind me?) 

Just. The choices this movie made.

Don’t worry. We have more content to come. Angela and I are having a lot of fun with this. What should we discuss next? Tell us in the comments!


Part Five: Bella Swan

You don’t know this about me, but I tend to not like the main female character in like, anything. It’s a joke that Angela and I have. She is well aware of my general dislike of main female characters.

(Not just the women, though. If there’s a protag, Keely goes “grr.”)  

It seems like no matter what I read or watch, they just. . .can’t get female characters right. LIke sometimes they almost got it but then they don’t? Or like it’s inconsistent and it bothers me. (Read: Arrow. Hello. But that’s another blog post for another day. Seriously, it’d be all about the female characters.) 

Now of course there are exceptions to this rule. Like Max from Maximum Ride, Jessica Jones from Netflix’s Jessica Jones and well, any female main character other than Elena in The Vampire Diaries and The Originals (Caroline is awesome. Bonnie is the bomb. Hayley is a badass. And Rebekah is a delight. But in general The Vampire Diaries and The Originals have some great characters, female and male). Of course, I love Wonder Woman and Black Widow. That’s all I can think of right now. 

All this to say that Bella I can’t even dislike as a character because there really isn’t anything to dislike.

Bella Swan

(*eyebrow raise*)

Okay, so . . . .I dislike her. I do. There are teeny, tiny moments where I like her. Mind you, teeny tiny. Miniscule.

In a paper that I once wrote for my class (and that was then published in my university’s nonfiction journal Quills & Pixels) I said that Bella was Mary Sue. But like, the worst kind of Mary Sue. 

Now let me explain something. 

I write like a shit ton of fanfiction. Most of the time, there is a Mary Sue. However, I develop those characters and make them you know, a character. When I create an OC (original character) I make it where that if I was to take this character out of this fandom and put them in an original idea of mine, that character could stand alone. In fact, one of the OCs I created, Hunter Glass, originally was apart of a Batman fanfiction I was writing. I liked her so much, that I decided she was going to be the main character in my original superhero-verse. If the OC or ‘Mary Sue’ has no place in the story, then what’s the point? What do they bring? And that’s how I feel about Bella.

What does she bring to Twilight? What exactly is her purpose?

Bella (and I’m stealing this from another blog post) is a cardboard cut out. She has no personality. At times, you kind of think she does. Her sarcastic quips, though she doesn’t say them outloud, are almost funny. You kind of want more of that. Meyer should’ve drawn on that sarcasm. (Come on, how funny would that be? Eddie would have no idea what to do with a strong, sarcastic independent woman. He’d tuck his tail and be like ‘Omg feminism. What? You’re not a doormat? I can’t allow that.’

Instead, Meyer did not. Bella is bland. She’s like oatmeal. You know, the really shitty, thick, goopy kind that sticks to your spoon and you can’t get off, and no matter how much sugar or butter or whatever you put it in, it still tastes the exact same. Bland and boring. (Wow. Okay, so that was not nice at all. I”d apologize but like, I’m not sorry?)

What if secretly, oatmeal was Edward’s favorite meal as a human and THAT’S why he’s so drawn to her?

I just died. Omg. Seriously. Dying right now. Also snorted. (Angela cackled at my snort.) 

Reading from her POV is terrible

Here’s the thing (again, my catch phrase) Bella is all mopey about moving to Forks with Charlie (who is wonderful and honestly, he deserves better).


He really is. I get through the movies because of Charlie and Jessica.

Anna Kendrick for the win!

She’s a goddess. I love her. Will talk more about her in part six.

Moving to Forks was HER idea. She didn’t have to move to Forks. She could’ve stayed in Arizona (which reminds me of a Tumblr post that said what if Bella never showed up and Twilight is about Charlie who finds out the town doctor is a vampire and his BFF is a shapeshifter. Then it’s about Charlie defending the town with his besties when he’s a human but he’s got a shotgun and all is like ‘I got you, bro.’ I’d read the fuck out of that. 

Back on track). 

The whole moving thing, HER. IDEA. Why are you bitching about it? It was YOUR choice? LIke what the fuck. 

And even if it wasn’t her choice to move, like make the most of it? Moving sucks. I get it. As someone who has moved 17 (18?: 19? Fuck, I don’t know) times in her life, I get it. Being the new girl fucking sucks ass. I was the new girl in sixth grade. Then the new girl again in ninth grade. Then the new girl again junior year. It sucks. AND I went to huge schools. I can’t imagine going to a high school in a small town where everybody knows everybody. 

But you make the most of it. Bella does not. She doesn’t even try to make an effort. She makes decisions based on everyone’s expectations. She agrees with whoever to avoid conflict. When she and Edward start dating, she ignores her friends and is all about Edward. When he comes back after you know, leaving her in the woods, she clings to him and panics when he leaves because he’s become her whole world. Which is a problem. Sure, she at first tries to fight him on the whole seeing Jacob but then she folds. Just like she does when it comes to the whole marriage thing and she becoming a vampire thing.

Now, there are moments, like I said, where she’s not a doormat. LIke when she punches Jake in the face after he kisses her without her consent. That was good. Go you, Bella. 

Now according to Meyer, she wrote Bella in a way that the readers can put themselves in her shoes.

(Oh, I forgot that. Oh, that’s horrifying. I’m gonna try to cut her a little slack in my piece, but I really don’t want to be Bella.)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to put myself in her shoes. Even when I read Twilight as a teenager, I couldn’t relate to her. Reading her angst was painful (and I didn’t think anything could be more painful than that but BOY was I wrong. Bella’s angst has nothing on Edward’s in Midnight Sun. Holy shit.)

(Oh dear lord.)

You have no idea, Angela. Seriously.

(I mean, I did read some of it. Very quickly. More on that later.)

And I feel so bad for Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson because they are not actually bad actors but they got a shit script based on a shit book and like, they had to do what they could with what they were given. . . .which was like nothing, basically.

You can’t play a character when there is no character. You just gotta do what you can with what you have. But we’ll talk more about the movies in part six.

OH. Vampire Bella. 

What a fucking cop-out to have her being like instantly all I have control as a newborn yay me! BITCH NO. That is so lame.

(Suuuuuch a letdown.)

I wanted Bella to struggle as a newborn. I wanted her to kill people and work her ass off to fight her hunger. Instead, we got her being “Oh, I can do this!” And poor Jasper is in the background having a crisis thinking that he’s a freak because he’s struggled with his hunger for a century or so (I think, check me).

(Poor guy.)

No, Jasper, you are not a freak. Bella is. She didn’t struggle at all it seems as a newborn. And I hated it. Especially since they stressed so much that as a newborn vampire, the hunger for blood is overwhelming and everyone slips up. (Except Carlisle? Like what but that’s for part eight on the Cullens.)

(The bloodthirst was literally the entire reason Bella insisted they fuck before she changes. Because she didn’t want to be more overwhelmed by blood than she was by Edward. So she puts her life in danger for sexytime – I’m feeling generous, I’m gonna let her have that one even though I probably shouldn’t lol – and then gets pregnant which nearly gets them all killed. And she barely notices that she’s thirsty? Really?)

OH. And that made me think. . .Did Bella not think about the whole sexy times and how hard

(Heh heh

FTT. I seriously almost said “HA. PUN INTENDED.”)

it would be for Edward? Her being human? Like her blood is supposed to be like crack, right? Sex is all fun and hormones and excitement and junk. Was Bella not at all worried that he’d get lost in the moment and uh, rip out her throat? Just saying. (I mean the guy broke the headboard and ripped several pillows with his teeth. AND she woke up covered in bruises. Like, there was a chance he could’ve ripped out her throat in the heat of the moment.)

Bella had all the potential to be a good, interesting character. . . .if Meyer hadn’t had written her. So here’s to Bella, the girl that could’ve been something. 

My turn.

And, uh. I don’t really have much to say about Bella.

She feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe that’s why we’re so disappointed in her? She could have been anything: witty, brave, headstrong, funny, kind, scathing. Anything. But if she was given any character traits, she couldn’t be a blank slate for reader self-insertion; so she’s none of those things, at least not consistently. The only thing she does consistently is badly misjudge the situation she’s in. And that’s not super fun. (I feel like she never reacts normally to any situation.)

I think one thing Meyer importantly missed in this “anyone can be Bella” is that, if that’s the case, then we want to see Bella/us win or grow or something. Bella doesn’t have an arc because she’s supposed to represent everyone and therefore represents no one. And since Bella is a stand-in for us, that means we don’t have an arc and that’s just so incredibly frustrating.

As far as the writing for Bella goes, not much was done to give her much of a personality, as we’ve said. But as for how we as fans (or anti-fans) viewed her, I don’t think she was given an entirely fair shake.

Twilight was published at a time when it was important to be “one of the guys” or “not like other girls.” Because there was this pervasive but unspoken attitude that girls were not as of much value as boys. And we all want to have value. A lot of girls and young women internalized that and took that to mean that they had to distinguish themselves by hating and shitting on “girly” things – basically anything that a lot of girls liked. “Chick flicks” and YA romance novels very much included in (probably topping) that list. 

This isn’t a judgment on the girls and young women who took on that attitude, on purpose or unconsciously. I was one of those young women. It was a core part of my personality for a while to hate anything seen as feminine. (I had a vendetta against the color pink, y’all.) But looking back it does make me sad. And that attitude is more than a little gross. So I’m glad that it seems to be starting to change. (This next generation, I swear. Y’all are doing good. Things are looking up. Thanks.)

Anyway. Twilight was a YA romance novel and the POV character was a bland teenage girl. Cue the intense hatred. From boys who haven’t read, won’t read, and don’t care about the book. From girls who haven’t read, won’t read, and don’t care about the book. And from girls who read it, too. 

Poor Bella.

Edward doesn’t have a personality, either. He wasn’t universally hated. (Not until the Twilight renaissance when we all started to take a step back and actually think, “Hey, is this okay? Ya know what, I think this isn’t okay.”)

Katniss from The Hunger Games also is written blandly and makes poor life choices. (From what I can remember. Twilight did burn me out on young adult novels for a hot stretch of time, so I sped through The Hunger Games series pretty quick.)

From what I remember, Katniss isn’t so much as bland as more. . . .abrasive? Book wise, she’s not a likeable character. She’s written as intentionally not a likeable character, which is funny since she becomes this symbol. But really, once you think about it, her reasons are pretty selfish. She only cared about herself and her family. Or at least that’s how I remember her in the books. In the movies she’s a bit different.)

But Katniss is lifted up as a paragon of strength. (Which opens a whole new can of worms that we don’t necessarily have to get into right now.)

Bella’s not the best character. There are more well-written, more engaging characters out there. But she didn’t deserve all the hate she got.

Thank you listening! Er, we mean reading. Stay tuned for part six! Yes, part six. There is still plenty more to talk about in this special blog series about Twilight. Until next time!


Part Three: Renesmee and Imprinting

Here is part three! We discuss Renesmee and that whole, plot. *cringe*

I’m not sure I have anything to say at this point that hasn’t already been said. But every single second of this plot was a goddamned catastrophe.

(Seriously. I feel like Breaking Dawn is the worst of the four books. Like they’re all bad. But it’s the worst one.)

The main points we’ve all been over:

Godawful name. I just. It’s. Bad.

She’s a fucking baby. Nobody should fall in love with a fucking baby. That’s horrendous and there are no words to fully describe that horror. Leave that poor infant alone. Absolutely disgusting.

Renesmee Cullen

“It’s okay because he won’t date her until she’s 18.” NO! That’s grooming. He literally will be hovering over her and “guiding her” (vomit) and hanging around her, influencing her choices for her ENTIRE life and then when she’s of a legal age, then he’s going to use that influence he has to get her to be romantic with him. Not fucking okay. Bella & Edward (and the entire Cullen clan, come on, people) need to rip Jacob to shreds this exact second.

Now let’s talk about the aging. I’m horrified by everything above but it leads into the next consideration. Jacob’s already angling for when he’s gonna get to be with this fucking baby and then we learn she ages quickly. Does her mental age advance as quickly as her physical age? Mental age is determined by more than just brain development, it’s also determined by experiences. She’s not going to be able to go out and experience things until she’s reached a physical standstill, because how do you explain a teenage-bodied four-year-old? Which one is the pedophile gonna wait for? Body age; mental age; actual literal birth years? None of this is okay.

Renesmee. Oh my god. That is an awful name. How do you even say that? Re-Nez-May? But before we get to that awful name for a child and the child itself. We need to talk about Carlisle.

Carlisle has been alive since what, the 1600s? Maybe? Give or take? He’s seen some shit. He’s traveled the world, learned all medical stuff, seen history. Are you seriously telling me that that man did not know that if a vampire male has sex with a female human that there is a possibility of pregnancy? Are you kidding me? How did you not know that, Carlisle? I am questioning you, a lot. 

Let’s not forget that the Denali sisters, Tanya, Kate, and Irina (I had to Google their names) are just as old as Carlisle, if not older. Are you telling me that they didn’t know? I mean come on, those sisters probably were the origins of the whole succubus stories. They slept with human men (probably killing them a few times). You think they didn’t know that male vampire plus human female could equal baby? 

Also I’m pretty sure that one of the vampire men in the Denali coven was a part of the Volturi. You think the Volturi didn’t know about these half-vampire, half-human children? Come on, they’ve been ruling over vampires for centuries. They knew about the Immortal Children (children that were turned when they were still a toddler). Puh-lease, no. They had to have known. That was such a plot hole problem for me. 

Let’s talk about these half-vampire, half-human children. Now, they are half-vampire so they are super strong and the mothers go through hell in this pregnancy. Bella looked like a corpse. And while we are talking about Bella’s pregnancy, I have issues.

Bella is losing weight and can’t eat anything. They’re all concerned because the fetus is basically killing her. She’s not getting any nutrients. The fetus is getting all of it. She’s dying, basically. Alice and Jasper are Team Edward Let’s Yank this Fetus Monster Out of Bella Before She Dies. Rosalie and Emmett are Team Bella Let’s Keep The Thing That is Literally Killing Because It’s Mine.

(Was Emmett on that team? I don’t remember seeing him at all when this went down. Yes, he was. Because Rosalie was and that boy is whipped.)

I can’t remember what Carlisle and Esme were, but I think they were Team Let’s Be Rational About This and FInd Another Way. 

Either way, Bella is dying. Edward is also dying because he’s watching the woman he loves wither away. The fetus is literally breaking bones. Bella is skeletal. She needs nutrients but she can’t keep anything down without getting sick.

Seriously. She looks like a wax figure.

Which leads me to my next point.

How is it that is it the shapeshifter who points out (mind you, mentally) that maybe the fetus wants blood like it’s bloodsucker father? 

Carlisle. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR. HOW DID THIS SLIP YOUR MIND? Edward, he kind of has an excuse. Poor guy is withering away, himself. He’s losing his mind. But Carlisle, come on. Hell, any other vampire in the room!  The damn shapeshifter had to point out that the half-vampire fetus wants blood! Just. . . .wow. I can’t even. 

Bella gets better, drinks human blood like it’s a normal thing and jeez, she’s a freak. The shapeshifters are “We can not let this thing be born!” Jacob, because he loves Bella so much, even now, is like “Fucking touch her, and see what happens.” More or less. The fetus is born. And by that I mean it’s a seriously horrifying scene. Reading it was awful. But seeing it? Even more so. Just. . . .*shudders* I’d share the scene from Breaking Dawn: Part One, but honestly, you don’t need that in your life.

Baby is born. Rosalie snatches it like it’s hers. Edward is plum losing it because Bella is dead. (She’s not, chill Eddie.) Jacob is all gungho ready to kill the baby. Then he sees her and the world stops and suddenly, she is his whole world. 

Jacob imprints on a damn baby. A baby that is like, at most, an hour old. 

Are you fucking serious? What kind of bullshit is that? 

First, what is imprinting. It’s when a shapeshifter looks at someone and there’s like a click. Their imprint is their perfect mate. They are meant to be. (Sorry. I think I gagged a bit in my mouth.) They are soulmates. Yeah, Jacob’s soulmate is a baby. 

But hey, don’t worry. Right now, he’ll just be the best babysitter and big brother. Then once she’s old enough, if she wants to be something more it’s up to her. 

Sorry. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

Jacob and Renesmee


I straight up threw the book after I read that. I chunked that godawful book across the room where it hit the wall hard and I had to go take a break. I think I grabbed a Harry Potter book to calm myself down.

NO. NO. NO. Meyer made us all think that this was normal? Acceptable? NO. Hell to the motherfucking no. That is not okay! Jacob is a pedophile. He’s going to help raise this little girl and then when she’s mature and past puberty, THEY ARE GOING TO BE A COUPLE. 


I am so angry at this, and it’s been years since I’ve read Breaking Dawn

That is not okay. No. Just no

In part four, we talk about the monstrosity that Twilight brought us. . . .Fifty Shades of Gray. Angela will be taking the lead on this one.

– A & K

Part Two: Team Edward or Team Jacob

As promised, here is part two of our Twilight trash talk series. Enjoy!

So Angela, 

Okay, first, let me introduce you to her. Angela is my best friend, I have known her for eleven years. (HOLY SHIT.) We met in our junior year of high school. The rest is history. She’s awesome, a bit of a disaster, loves fire way too much, but she’s Angie, my wifey and I love her. She is my guest blogger today (I’m trying something different.)

So, back on track. Angela, Team Edward or Team Jacob. GO

Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)


Yeah, ok.

So. What team was I on when I read them the first times? 

I think I was on Team Edward during the books and then Team Jacob for the movies. Jake annoyed me in the book, he came across as really whiny. Then Taylor Lautner existed and I forgave some things, haha.


I have since gotten on Team “you know what, fuck this, they ALL suck. And not even in the pun kind of way.”

They’re both abusive and manipulative. Both controlling and literally dangerous and yet the danger is the thing that concerns me the least? 

Edward’s a fucking stalker. What the fuck.

(He watches her sleep before they ever even get together. That is so not okay. He even tells her that, I think. If a guy told me he snuck into my house to watch me sleep, I’d call the cops.)

I mean, really, this wouldn’t be okay even after they got together, which he still did. Even after they started dating, he still snuck into her room without telling her until a few days later, IIRC. I’m not a fan of sneaking in while someone’s sleeping under really any circumstances, but at the very fucking least, you make sure your partner knows and has okay’d it. “Can I come over tonight?” “I’ll probably be asleep, but just climb in through the window.” HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT?

Edward also abandons her. And look, breakups happen. That’s life. Fine. His dumb “I’m a tragic but heroic Romeo” bullshit aside, he has every right to dump her anytime he wants to. This wasn’t him breaking up with a girl, though. He took her TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS AND LEFT HER THERE.



Then they get back together and he hates that she has a new friend and he has a new romantic rival. 

So he takes apart her truck’s engine, literally physically isolating her so she cannot go see her friend. Don’t at me with the whole “he was just so concerned for her safety, what happens if Jake flips out.” She hangs at a vampire hotspot every damn day and one of them spent a couple hundred years killing humans before he very recently decided to chill out on that. Werewolves are dangerous if they get angry and lose control. (This is not something to ignore or brush away.) Vampires are dangerous if they are around any human in any capacity, angry or happy. So fuck off, Edward.

Then we have the fun part where she wants to fuck and he wants to marry her. And instead of them both talking about that, he emotionally blackmails her. If he wants to wait until marriage, power to him. Everyone is entitled to make that choice. No wrong answers there. But instead of asking her to marry him and accepting if she says “No, I don’t want to get married” (which she fucking says) and either breaking up with her because they want different things or coming to terms with the idea that while they stay together they don’t do it as a wedded couple, he decides to go the route of “Well if you ever want to fuck me, put a ring on it.” And THEN. “If you want me to be the one to turn you, you have to marry me.” That’s extortion. He keeps changing the rules and making everything she wants to do with him conditional on marriage.

So that’s Edward being a fuckboi.

Now Jake.

First he’s a friend and I’ve got no problem with him. (Also, he barely even features in Twilight so there’s not much of Jake to have a problem with.)

Then Edward dumps Bella and she’s a disaster and she hangs out with Jake and starts to feel better. He starts to like her. Feelings are feelings and you can’t help them and I don’t mind (or particularly care) that he liked her. Happens.

But she rejects him (and honestly, good for you, girl. She was so far from ready to jump into another relationship and she KNEW that and she stuck to her guns, and FANDOM, WHY DO WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT MORE???)

(I feel like we forget that sometimes Bella actually does something that is good, and you know, smart. Like that for instance. I forgot she stuck to not dating Jacob. There’s also the time when she punches Jacob. I’m sure there are other moments where Bella isn’t as a drag or an idiot as we make her out to be.)

and still wants to be friends. Now he’s got a choice. He can be like, “Hey, I really like you and being around you when you don’t feel the same way is a bummer for me. I can’t be around you anymore.” Honestly, I would have accepted that. It’s not fun for either person, but it is honest and respects both her feelings and his. Or he can be like, “Well damn. I like her but she doesn’t feel the same way. I’d hate to not have her in my life, though. Guess I’ll ride these feelings out until they hopefully go away” and leave her alone about his romantic feelings.

Our boy Jake doesn’t do either of those things. He whines and complains to her that she’s NOT BEING FAIR (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. THE AUDACITY.) for not giving him a chance. 

Then Edward comes back and they both do their territorial bullshit.


Then Jacob kisses Bella without her consent. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy forever. That’s assault and it will never be okay. Meyer tried to normalize a lot of shit (see, everything that came above this post, and, oh yes, we will get to the other NIGHTMARE she tried to normalize, too.) and none of it should be normalized – none of it – but that some people saw this as (and that Meyer wrote this as) a win for Jacob makes my skin crawl.

Then Bella punches him (let’s circle back to: honestly, good for you, girl.) and it hurts her AND HE LAUGHS ABOUT IT. He laughs that his assault made her so mad she hit him to defend herself. And he laughs that she can’t hurt him. And he laughs that she got hurt trying.

Fuck this guy.

Then he finds out Bella is engaged and threatens to commit suicide specifically to elicit a reaction from her. That unless she can prove she loves him enough, (read: however much HE decides she should and in the exact way he decides she should) he will kill himself. The implication being it is her fault, because she didn’t care enough/try enough/love him enough to save him.

Fuck this guy.

And in the last book we got a brand new nightmare where Meyer, in an attempt to neatly wrap up the clusterfuck she created here, had him fall in love with an hours-old infant. (Barf.) And we will GET to that. But by that point in the book, the Team Whatevers had basically been resolved enough to not matter, IMO.

Oh, except for the part where Meyer wasn’t quite done with it yet. And even after Ed put a ring on it and knocked Bella up, Meyer STILL wanted us to think Jacob had a chance? What was with that whole “If she wants babies that bad she can have them with you.” Stephenie, why.

(OH MY GOD. I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PART. THAT WAS NO BEUNO. LIKE WHAT WAS THAT? I cringed. Seriously, reading that, I cringed and had to put Breaking Dawn down for a moment.)

That book got thrown across my room so many times, jfc.

Dude, same. Even before the whole big pregnancy reveal, I looked at Cindy and I remember saying “I bet she’s gonna get pregnant.” I was only in the middle of the wedding when I said that to her.

Pretty sure I was Team Jacob. But like before he was all whiny. When he was all dorky, cute friend Jacob.

(You were on Team Jacob in Twilight? I didn’t even know we’d broken into teams then lol. I didn’t know there were options until New Moon.)

Then, New Moon happened and I’m like “EW.” Because he annoyed the hell out of me. 

There were tiny moments where I kind of liked Edward. LIke he was funny and sarcastic at times, and I was like, okay, I get why Blah Bella likes him. Jacob is like sunshine and rainbows, and I liked his attitude. A lot. (Well before he turned into a wolf, but we’ll get to that.)

But then I realized something. I didn’t want to be Team Edward or Team Jacob. Fuck them both. As much I don’t like Bella (we’ll get to that in a second), she deserved better. 

LIke I said, I liked Jacob before he became a love interest and a werewolf. After he became a werewolf, he was so angsty, and y’all, we already had Edward’s a hundred years of angst. We didn’t need Jacob’s “I hate being a werewolf” angst. 

Which, on another note. THEY ARE NOT WEREWOLVES. STEPHENIE MEYER KNOW YOUR DAMN LORE. THEY. ARE. NOT. WEREWOLVES. Werewolves either only change on the full moon or, depending on the book/show/what have you, have to change on the full moon. Silver affects them usually, depending on the lore, and most of the time, when they change, they have no control over their minds and want to hunt and kill things. Either way, the moon holds control over them. 

The wolves in Twilight are not werewolves. They are shapeshifters. The moon has no control over them at all. They can shift whenever they want and they retain their minds. From henceforth they will be known as shapeshifters and not werewolves in this post. Thank you for reading. Back on track. 

So yes. I liked Jacob. Then he changed and I was “nah, bro.” Also, he kissed Bella when she didn’t want to be kissed. She is shoving him away as he kisses her but again, he’s shapeshifter, so super strong. When he finally pulls away, he’s all smug. I think he asks. “That had to be better than kissing an ice sculpture.” Or something like that. He’s proud of kissing her. Bella punched him. You know, Blah Bella who is a doormat. That girl. She punched him, breaking her hand and then marched away, fuming. Jacob was like “What did I do, Bella?” All whiny and shit. LIKE HE DID NOTHING WRONG. Like no. That is not okay. You do not kiss someone who is clearly PUSHING YOU AWAY

THEN, when she tells her dad, Charlie, he’s not even concerned about it? Like this boy forced your daughter into a kiss but you don’t care because you like this boy better than her actual boyfriend? 

No, dude. No. 

Now, Edward. 

Oh, Edward. 

Angela mentioned it above but what the fuck. Edward. You leave your girlfriend, whom you know is clumsy in the woods. Are you fucking kidding? Like no. What kind of break up is that? Also, then you find out that she died (she didn’t die, Jacob saved her after she was a moron and dived off a cliff) and your response is to kill yourself. Eddie, you need therapy. So does Bella. (Or you know, everyone, tbh.)

So Edward is back. Yay. But he doesn’t want Bella near Jacob because SHAPESHIFTERS are dangerous. First of all, no man, even if you are dating them, has any right to tell you who you can and can not speak to. Also, Edward, aren’t YOU dangerous? I mean, her blood sings to you and you want to drain her dry like she’s a Caprisun. Is Jacob dangerous? Sure, he can lose his temper and she could get mauled by a giant red wolf. (Would we really be upset at that though?) However, Jacob can control his temper. He left because he didn’t want to hurt her. 

Edward doesn’t know Jacob. He’s judging him based solely on what he knows. Now Bella, she’s kind of found a bit of confidence. She actually kind of grew as a person, a smidge, not a lot, while Edward was gone. Jacob was good for her (well, he was until he turned into a whiny bitch

(Haha. Bitch. Sorry, please continue.)

Edward doesn’t like this newfound independence. He’s used to getting his way. Bella isn’t letting him do that. (Currently.) She wants to see her friend. So she gets into her truck to do so. What has Edward done? He has removed a part of the car so she can’t drive. I remember reading that being like “OH HELL NO.” If I was Bella, I would’ve marched my butt inside to my cop dad, told him that Edward destroyed my truck and asked him to take me to Jacob’s house. What could Edward have done? Charlie doesn’t know about vampires and shapeshifters. Edward could’ve done absolutely nothing.

The relationship would’ve been over right there. Bye, bye, Edward. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. (And take your shitty Volvo and 100 years of repressed sexual desires with you, thanks.) 

Either way. Jacob and Edward both suck. You have a whiny bitch or a manipulative bitch. Wait, hang on. Sorry, they are both whiny and manipulative. There is no Team Edward. There is no Team Jacob. It is Team…I don’t know what Team, but definitely not them.

Team Die in a Fiery Motorcycle Crash?

Oh, I like that. 

In part three, we discuss Renesmee, not only her horrible name but that godawful plot line. Stay tuned!

– A & K

Part One: How Did You Get Into Twilight?

I am trying something new. We have a guest blogger. What are we talking about? We are talking about Twilight. This is only part one. I am in black text with a white background, and our guest, Angela, is in white text with a black background. Enjoy!

Twilight, the movie. Why?

When Twilight came out I was going through my vampire phase. I read like every vampire book I could find. Then suddenly there was this new book. Twilight and it was all the rage. Seriously, I couldn’t walk in my middle school without hearing about the damn thing. 

And I being a contrary shit refused to read it. Everyone kept telling me “Keely, you have to read this book! It’s so good!” (Imagine that being said in like, a Valley Girl voice.) But again, I’m a contrary shit. The more people tell me to do something, like watch a show or read a book, the more I refuse to do it. 

Like no, don’t tell me what to do. 

Eventually, I did read Twilight, because heeeellllllllllooooooo, peer pressure. Plus all my friends were talking about it, and I wanted to know what the big deal was. After I read it, I was like, what the fuck? Why was this book so popular?

When I first read Twilight, I remember thinking, man, this Bella chick is such a drag. She’s so angsty and blah. Sure, Edward sounded hot but he was also a dick, and like, no. So I really didn’t get the Twilight rage. (Of course I feel like everyone had a Twilight phase. You either loved it or you hated it.) 

“I know what you are.” (Terrible line. Ohmygod.)

I like books with action. Sure, I like the occasional romance (and by romance I meant like straight up smut, don’t you shame me). But I like action and fantasy. And there was none of that in Twilight. 

Girl moves to a new place. Boo hoo girl. But like she chose to do that? 

Since she’s the new girl and all shiny toy, the guys fall in love with her. Cause you know, that makes sense. Bella has about as much personality as a cardboard cut out. (She and Bill Compton should get together. Actually, ew. No. I think I just made myself gag.)

There’s this weird family who are like supermodel pretty and honestly can not pass as high schoolers. Did I mention that they are weird? 

Also, if you are trying to remain lowkey, why the hell would you come to a small town? How does that make sense? Small towns are notorious for gossip and noticing those who are weird. Come on, Cullens, be smart. (Also y’all are like a hundred years or so, more or less, shouldn’t you know better? *eyebrow raise*)

Back on track. 

Hot guy with weird bronze colored hair (so he’s a redhead, basically) is like a grr angry face and she’s like oh no what did I do. (Imagine Kevin from Home Alone smacking his face after he put on the aftershave.)

Edward just glaring at Bella for no reason.

Like I said, Bella is a drag

You know what Twilight reminds me of? One of those like Hallmark movies. Take a girl, move her to a place, make her meet a mysterious hot guy and they fall in love. Except in Twilight, Edward wants to kill his great love and suck her blood. So like, a Lifetime movie instead. 

The point is. There’s nothing exciting in this book. Like the baseball scene half exciting like ooo. Then the whole chase thing with James. That was nice. Conflict. Yes. (I may have done a fist in the air, not gonna lie.) We were missing that. But then it was so rushed. I feel like what happened was that Meyer realized that she had no plot. That there was nothing to this book, but she wanted to publish the shitty thing. So she tossed in the drama with James at the last minute.

Twilight ends with Edward kissing Bella’s neck, and you think oh, hey, he’s turning her into a vampire. You think that’s it. 


It wasn’t. 

Three more books came out, and sure, I didn’t have to read them. Seriously. Trying to get through New Moon was rough. But I also couldn’t leave it unfinished, you know?

I read Twilight after most everyone else already had. First it was because I was fully unaware that it was a trend. Then it was deliberately because I knew it was a trend. And I was doing that whole “I’m cooler by IGNORING the trend.” Ya know, like asshole middle/intermediate schoolers do.

I had planned on never ever reading this, but I was on a school trip to another state and after an hour or so, my CD player (remember those?) died. I borrowed someone’s iPod. It also died. I was out of things to do, so I asked friends if they had any books to read since I hadn’t brought any. My friend gave me two options: a dictionary or Twilight. As unenthused as I was, really didn’t want to read a dictionary for however many remaining hours were left on the bus.

On my first readthrough I was. So. Bored. (Sorry, actual fans.) The protag didn’t have a personality, the love interest didn’t have a personality. The friends didn’t have personalities. It was. Long. 

Then James showed up and I got excited. “Oh, shit, something’s actually gonna happen! Is she gonna die? Is something gonna happen?” And then I heard there were 3 books after this, so, no. Bella was gonna live. And I was a little bummed again but at least there was finally something going on.

The most dramatic baseball scene in history. Why is everything blue? But hey, great song by Muse.

So after that I finished the book and complained about it. And  my friends were not having it. “You didn’t even give it a chance! The only reason you hated it is because you wanted to hate it.” Which. I mean. They had a point. I had gone in expecting to be bored and guess what? I was.

So I read it again and I… like, Stockholm-Syndrome’d myself? I was like “Well it wasn’t fair to hate the book before you read it. So you HAVE to love it.” And then I loved it.

(I like, faked that I loved it? Again, peer pressure. So everyone thought I was a Twilight fan but really, peer pressure.)

Read the other 3 books. Went through all the love triangle stuff and the Bella’s depression stuff and the Reneesme wtf stuff. Classic, right?

After the… experience… that was Breaking Dawn, I settled firmly back into the “Wait. Wtf is this” camp. But a bit more fairly than my initial readthrough. Came to the same conclusion nonetheless, lol. But at least I was being fair. (Hooray?) 

Stay tuned for Part Two: Team Edward or Team Jacob, where we discuss (okay, rant) about Bella Swan’s two ‘love’ interests.

– A & K