childhood – The Inner Workings

Know Thyself (Memoir Journal 3)

September 9, 2020Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, Me, My Writing, Real LifeTagged childhood, memoir, writing promptsLeave a comment

Yesterday in Memoir, we were given these prompts. These are my responses. Enjoy. I didn’t have the writing bug yesterday so these are shorter responses.

Memoir Journal 3 (September 8th, 2020)

What path did you not take that might be worth exploring?

Towards the end of spring 2020, I was faced with two decisions: to teach or to work in the office of communication. It was a very tough decision. Extremely. I chose to be a GA at the Office of Communications at UA Little Rock. However, I wonder, what if I chose to be a teacher? Especially in this environment? How would this semester be different as a new teacher trying to navigate teaching students, while also navigating the new learning environment as a new graduate student myself? Would I have a different point of view because I’m a student as well? Would that bring a unique point of view? Would it help or adhere me? Would teaching help me get out of the funk I’ve been in since March?

Which is clearer, the facts or the emotions?

I can’t tell you what I was wearing on that day. But I can tell you how I feel. I can tell you how it was two days before Christmas and my mother wasn’t home. There were no presents and the younger three were due back any day. I can tell you about the panic, the fear that they would come home and there would be no Christmas for them.

How well do you trust your memory?

As I get older, I realize that I remember more than I thought. Memories that I thought were suppressed, or gone, are really more like a fog that’s slowly clearing out. No, I don’t remember what I was wearing, but the emotions, the words even, that is clear. How I felt was clear. And I’m remembering things that I didn’t even know I knew. Things that makes me think, oh. That’s why. Makes me realize little things about myself.

How do you feel about the concept of understanding yourself?

I feel like one of those cheesy gurus who is like you must find your inner peace. Bullshit. Understanding myself? How can I when it’s always changing? No. I can try to understand who I am, but like that’s near impossible. How can I begin to? Know thyself. Yes, okay. But also, discover yourself while trying to understand yourself.

-K

Forgive Her Too (Memoir Journal 2)

September 2, 2020September 2, 2020Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, Me, My Writing, Real LifeTagged childhood, introspection, memoir, reflections, writing promptsLeave a comment

Yesterday in Memoir, we were given these prompts. These are my responses. Enjoy. A few of them hit me harder than others, so I wrote more. While others I struggled with. If you find one you like, respond to it. And if you want, share with me.

Memoir Journal 2 (September 1st, 2020)

What makes you who you are?

I feel like I could answer this question if I had more time ot process it. It’s a broad question I feel because who i am is constantly changing. I am like the weather. Some days I am a cloudy day, those when the depression and self-doubt take over. Somedays, I am a perfect sunny day when I feel like I can take on the whole world. And then some. What makes me who I am? I guess if I had to answer, it would be how determined I am.

What is it that changes you?

Life changes me. People change me. They come into my life and sometimes they leave a mark, a scar. That can be good or bad. Life changes me because it’s always changing. Nothing ever stays the same so how can I really stay the same? How can I not change with what I experience day by day. By day. I don’t believe I’m the same person I was 10 years ago, 10 hours ago, or even 10 minutes ago. I think that you sometimes have to change to be better than who you were before. How can you not change? How can you remain still and let everything, and everyone pass you by. What changes me, is well, me. It’s a choice I make.

How much of yourself is innate? How much is learned?

What have I learned by others or Google, about myself. I’ve learned, or rather heard from others that I’m too sensitive. Or is that innate? Was I already aware of that? How can we really determine what of ourselves is innate and how much is learned? How do you even begin to measure something that really isn’t quantifiable? What do those words innate and learned even mean? What is innate about yourself? It is my sensitivity? My empathy? The fact that I can’t walk a flat surface?

What role does self-delusion play in your identity?

I read somewhere that you never truly see yourself. That the person you see in the mirror, while yes is you, it’s an image that your mind creates. That you see yourself as maybe better or worse than others see you. Alternatively, when others look at you, they see what they want to see. So really, no one truly sees you, not even you. In a way that’s a delusion. A self-delusion. Of course, if you think about it, we all have delusions. Or self-delusions. I know when I write, I say the things I want to say but was too afraid to say at that point. I’m braver in my writing than in real life. That’s who I want to be. But that’s not who I am. So isn’t that a self-delusion?

Which of your past selves still confounds you?

If I could go back in time and without screwing up the timeline, I’d go back to my 15 year old self. She confounds me in the way, that she doesn’t confound me. Not because I don’t get her, or rather I don’t want to get her. She was selfish, or rather, she seemed so fake. Like she had many masks. So many masks. Which part of her was real? Was she the good older sister? The one who helped with homework? Or was she the girl who caused drama intentionally for something to do? A distraction? The one who everyone called two-faced, and other names. Who was she? Or rather, why was she? Where did she come to be? How as she born? Created? A part of me wants to know that I’m no longer that 15 year old girl. That I have changed. But I also want to understand her, see what she was going through. Tell her it’ll be okay. And maybe, in a way, forgive her too.

Name your beginnings.

I began as a sister. That’s the only role I knew. That role was often interchangeable with mother. Since I didn’t have one. Not one that cared. Being a good older sister, was all I knew. Besides being the perfect daughter. The one who never questioned. Never complained. And I began again as a prisoner. Cinderella. But there were no mice to make me a pretty dress. Only rats to step on and squeak as they died a slow painful death. No birds to sing. Only a younger sister to yell at me. A brother who came and went putting who knows what in his body. While I was left to care for the two little brothers, shield them from the cold hard truth. I had to be their sister, their mother. There was no time for a prince charming. Only a house with no water, no power, no food. No mother. Only me. I began again after moving to Iowa, and I thought I had found a home. But it was simply another prison.

-K

Writing is a Solace (Memoir Journal 1)

September 2, 2020September 2, 2020Posted in Being a Writer, College Life, Me, My Writing, Real LifeTagged childhood, first semester, grad school, memoir, writing2 Comments

I’m taking this class called Memoir this semester. This semester being my first semester as a graduate student in the Professional and Technical Writing Program. I am so very excited this class. Thus, I’ve decided to share the writing we do in class. This piece of writing is from the first day of class last Tuesday, August 25th. We had to answer what our anxieties or insecurities are when it comes to writing memoir. Here are my thoughts.

Memoir Journal 1 (August 25th, 2020)

I know that everyone has traumas in their life, and as someone who has only started to write about mine, my fear or anxiety, what have you, is being vulnerable. I have good and bad stories of my life. But it is the bad I want to write. Almost like by putting those stories, those words on paper, I am purging myself of those memories. While I know that no one will judge, in fact, I know that I might find comfort in not only writing these stories, but also from everyone. It is difficult for me to be vulnerable. Yet I know this is something I want to write. No. This is something I need to write. It’s like bursting out of me. Writing for me has always been an escape. That’s why I write fiction. I get to create a story. Make a better ending. And while I will still continue to do that, I also want the truth. I want to show my truth and reveal who I am, and how I got here. Why I am who I am. I don’t want writing to be an escape. I want it to be an adventure. A solace. A way to put down the things I’ve only really thought. I’ve never been good at talking about feelings. But I can put those feelings on paper. Yes that makes them real. But that reality is necessary. Writing is more than an escape. It’s an adventure, an exploration. Writing is a solace. A way to express thoughts. Yes, writing about my childhood gives me anxiety because I barely talk about it. But I want to write. To be vulnerable. Perhaps by writing about it, I can find a new way to perceive it. I can recognize things that as a jaded, angry teenager, I never realized. I’ not the same person I was 10 years ago. I have grown and changed. And maybe by writing about my childhood, I can finally move on. Let out that 5 year old girl. Be free. And maybe, just maybe, find a little solace of my own.

-K