Failure to Emerge (Eternals Review)

I am going to say what we all are thinking. . . .Avengers: Endgame royally screwed up the timeline. Sure, yes, that screwed-up timeline gave us the gem called Loki. (Great show so far. Need to finish. Of course, I need to finish a lot of shows. Such as WandaVision, The Falcon and The Winter Soldier and so much more.) That doesn’t change the fact that the MCU timeline is all sorts of out of whack. (Not to mention killing our queen and savior Natasha Romanoff and the I Love You 3000 Tony Stark. Those were two big mistakes.) The timeline is fucked. There I said it. Don’t @ me. We all know it’s true. Let me just sum up how it screwed up the timeline. Are you ready for this? No, I don’t think you are. Let me break this down for you.

Okay. Let’s just start with 2012, you know, the first Avengers movie.

A) Loki ran off with the Tesseract, i.e., that’s why we get the show Loki. This is 2012 Loki who hasn’t had the growth that his older now dead counterpart has. You know, the Loki that Thanos choked out and killed. So that’s a problem. Clearly. I’m sure the Tesseract being MIA in 2012 can cause other problems too but I can’t think of them at this moment.

B) Captain America was told by himself (though he thought it was Loki fucking with him) that Bucky is alive. I don’t know about you, but 2012 Cap is not about to let that go. He might think it’s a trick but it’s gonna nag at him until he finally caves and does some digging. Once he does, hello. SHIELD is going to be exposed as HYDRA way sooner. There goes like all of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Also, probably the whole thing with Bucky being framed for T’Challa’s death. Who knows? Either way, that changes some shit. Just saying.

Now, let’s get to the big thing that definitely fucks up the timeline. . . .

STEVE GOING BACK TO THE 40’S TO BE WITH PEGGY CARTER.

First, just. . .what even. I can’t say more than that without ranting. The point is, him going back changes things. Sure, they can say that he was always Peggy’s husband but like, no. Just no. Also, do you know what that means? It means that Steve Rogers KISSED HIS NIECE. I get he didn’t know but still. I mean, who kisses the niece of the woman you loved for like a century??? Like. . .what? Either way, yeah, that’s a new timeline, and it messes up everything.

That being said, I have no idea where the movie we are talking today about takes place. According to the timeline, it should be after Avengers: Endgame, but you see, I have problems with this.

So without further adieu, let’s get to the meat of this blog post. We are going to talk about Eternals.

From here on out, well, River Song, take it away.

Eternals was released in theatres on November 5th, 2021 in the United States. When I saw the trailer, I knew that it was not going to be a movie I’d want to see in theatres. (Unlike Spider-Man: No Way Home which I still haven’t seen. Damn pandemic.)

Check out the final trailer below.

Now when I saw the trailer, I did go. “Robb Stark, is that you?” It was like a mini Game of Thrones reunion since Kit Harrington aka you-know-nothing Jon Snow is in the movie too. Briefly. Also, I got super excited to see the woman who plays Connie in The Walking Dead, Lauren Ridloff. She is a phenomenal actress. Seriously, check out the clip of her below.

*chef’s kiss* One of the best damn episodes of The Walking Dead to date.

I am kind of glad that I didn’t see Eternals in theatres because we are being honest. . .I would’ve fallen asleep. It was kind of a boring movie. It felt like a lot of exposition and not enough action.

My friend Caroline and I talked, or rather, messaged back and forth via Messenger, and we both agreed that it felt like two different movies. It felt like they had one movie which was the introduction of the Eternals, their time on Earth, and interacting with humanity. Then the band breaks up and they all go their own ways. Something like that would’ve worked better as a series, rather than a two-hour movie (Yo, Netflix, get on that, won’t you?), I feel. We only got a glimpse of the Eternals interacting with humanity throughout history, but that’s it. Only little pieces. It’s like, you were getting the cake but you really wanted the frosting too, basically. You know, because the frosting is the best part of the cake.

Then the other part of the movie was this Emergence and Deviants thing. The head honcho gets killed and the band gets back together. They realize that this Emergence is not a good thing. In fact, it’s a bad thing. Basically, the Emergence is not the utopia they thought. It means that it is time for a new Celestial to be born. How are they born?

By destroying the entire planet and emerging from the destruction.

Because you know, that makes sense.

The Eternals split up into teams.

Team Let’s Kill Millions of People for a New Celestial to be Born and Team Let’s Try and Kill a Celestial and Save Humanity.

Now, if you don’t read the comics or obsessively Google like I do, you probably have no idea what a Celestial is. Let alone an Eternal.

We’ve seen Celestials before. In Guardians of the Galaxy, the planet Knowhere is really the severed head of a Celestial from like billions of years ago. (See below.)

Yeah, that thing. You probably forgot about that. They did gloss over it in Guardians of the Galaxy. Also, I feel like most people, whether they are from Earth or another planet, treat Celestials like a legend. Most don’t think they are real.

In Guardians of the Galaxy 2, we meet Ego the Living Planet, who is Peter Quill’s father, and surprise, surprise, he’s a Celestial. Or is he? Ego wanted to expand, planting his seeds all over the universe and basically, how the Celestial was going to destroy Earth to be born. Created? Whatever, you know what I mean. Is Ego another Celestial? A rogue one? Or is he something else? I have no idea.

Here’s this great theory on Ego.

This also begs the question. . .

Is Peter Quill still a ‘Celestial?’ Even if Ego wasn’t a Celestial, he had to be something pretty damn powerful considering his son held an Infinity Stone in his hand and didn’t die. Thanos had to wear a gauntlet to funnel the Infinity Stones powers and it still weakened him drastically. So if Ego was not a Celestial, what is he?

So there’s what we kind of know about Celestials. . .which really is nothing, honestly. Let’s get back to the Eternals.

Before Eternals came out, I had no idea what or who the Eternals were. According to the movie, they were created by the Celestial, synthetic superheroes, to protect Earth and other planets from Deviants.

What is a deviant? Well, that’s hard to explain because I’m still confused about what they are. Apparently, the Celestials also created the Deviants who are predators and help to make a planet create intelligent life forms. Or something like that. But Deviants don’t like to follow the rules, and thus the Eternals had to be created to prevent them from getting too out of hand and affecting history.

(Not to be confused with “variants” from Loki. In that show, Variants are those who stepped out of their path. They didn’t follow their fate line or what have you. Due to this, the Time Variance Authority (TVA) was created to put these “variants” on the right path or just, get rid of them. Such as the case with 2012 Loki. I still need to finish that show, and see how the whole “variants” thing work. Also, who created the TVA. There’s so much going on, basically. How does all this connect? I have no clue.)

Let’s meet the teams: Team Let’s Kill Millions of People for a New Celestial to be Born and Team Let’s Try and Kill a Celestial and Save Humanity

Team Let’s Kill Millions of People for a New Celestial to be Born

First up we have this guy.

Ikaris. (Yes, that’s like Icarus from Greek mythology. All of the Eternals are apparently named after mythology characters because of their impact on history.)

Ikaris (Richard Madden)

Ajak, the leader of the Eternals who dies like not even an hour in, told Ikaris about what the Emergence really was centuries ago. She’s played by the lovely Salem Hayek, and like a lot of the characters in this movie, her character is completely underutilized. Her powers are well, healing herself and others, and communicating with the Celestials. But she’s not really important. Like I said, she dies.

Ajak (Salem Hayek)

Ikaris obviously doesn’t care about humanity and is all for destroying an entire planet and killing billions of people. Also, his powers are basically Superman’s. He can fly, shoots lasers out of his eyes and I think has superstrength. (Someone confirm that, thanks.) Oh, and he has a thing for Sersi. (So many damn names.) Ikaris was so loyal to the Celestial who starts with an A, that he attacked his fellow Eternals. Shame on him. Just no.

Up next we have Kingo.

Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani)

Kingo actually became a famous Bollywood star after the band broke up. While he has a connection through humanity, he still agrees with Ikaris. He doesn’t feel like an Eternal he has the right to protest the birth of a Celestial. He also thinks that it’s an honor for Earth to be chosen. Rather than fight his fellow Eternals however, he chooses to leave. I find that cowardly and a cop-out. His powers are throwing glowing projectiles. So, eh. He seems like a pretty easy-going guy. But he needs to grow a pair.

Up next, we have Sprite.

Sprite (Lia McHugh)

Sprite does illusions. She also looks like a 15-year-old and does not. Due to this, she has grown bitter. She can’t have what the other Eternals have because she always looks like a kid. She teams up with Ikaris because she doesn’t think humanity is worth saving and she also is in love with him.

Now for Team Let’s Try and Kill a Celestial and Save Humanity

First up, we have Sersi.

Sersi (Gemma Chan)

Sersi is probably the sweetest Eternal. She loves humans. Over a thousand plus years, she’s really become a part of their society. It’s no wonder she wants to save them from the Emergence. Sersi can manipulate matter. Think like turning a bus into flowers. It’s actually a nifty little power. Ajak chooses her to lead because she knows that Sersi loves humans, and she (Sersi) will want to save them. This causes some strife because Sprite and Kingo believe that Ikaris should’ve been chosen as the leader.

(Also, Sersi and Ikaris have a thing. Sersi is now dating Jon Snow. I mean Dane Whitman who is the Black Knight. . .I have no idea who the Black Knight is, just saying. But he’s a big deal. I guess?)

Up next we have the tech guy, Phastos.

Phastos (Brian Tyree Henry)

Phastos is the tech wizard. He can build anything. This has caused some problems because humans being well human, and flawed, have used his weapons to kill each other.

Phastos initially didn’t want to take part in preventing the whole birth of a Celestial thing but his husband and son convinced him. He actually is a major part of the plan to prevent the Celestial from being born because of his technology wizardry. So, go him, basically.

Up next we have (A)Thena. Like I said, a lot of them have names from those in mythology.

Thena (Angelina Jolie)

Now Thena suffers from this psychological condition and it drives her crazy. You see, whenever an Emergence happens, the Eternals’ memories are wiped and they start over. Thena actually remembers those previous Emergences. She knows what it means and she isn’t going to let that happen to Earth. Also, she has a badass power. She can create weapons. It’s so cool. I’d definitely want her power, just saying.

We have Druig.

He can control people’s minds. He and Ajak got into it because she wouldn’t let him control the humans so they’d stop fighting. He didn’t want the humans to destroy themselves. He wanted them to live, but at the same time, by controlling their minds, he was taking away their freedom. He had to understand that, and eventually, he did. He and the next Eternal on Team Let’s Try and Kill a Celestial and Save Humanity, have a very adorable relationship.

Mikkari, played by the wonderful Lauren Ridloff.

Makkari (Lauren Ridloff)

She doesn’t show up until the end of the movie so you really don’t get to know her character. She’s stayed on the ship all these years. She can run super fast. Also, she and Druig are kind of cute. That’s all we know about her. But she helps them to stop Ikaris and the birth of the Celestial.

(Ajak is actually a part of this team as well, but since she died early on, then I’m not counting her. Also, I feel like Gilgamesh would also be a part of this team as well but he died too. He’s below. He and Thena had a sweet relationship.)

Gilgamesh (Don Lee) in Marvel Studios’ ETERNALS. Photo courtesy of Marvel Studios. ©Marvel Studios 2021. All Rights Reserved.

So they win, obviously. Sersi defeats the Celestial by freezing it. Yay, them. Ikaris flies into the sun like the dramatic ass he is. Sersi uses the last bit of power she has from the Celestial to turn Sprite into a human. . . even though Sprite stabbed Sersi literally in the back. Well, okay. I guess. Then the Celestial who sent them to Earth arrives and kidnaps them, saying that Earth will be judged and they’re in trouble, basically.

There are two end credit scenes. One shows Dane Whitman. Actually, we’ll just call him Jon Snow since you probably have no idea who that is. Anyways, Jon Snow 2.0 opens a box showing a sword. There’s a voice offscreen that is Blade. Then another cut scene (that I didn’t even care to watch) that shows Harry Styles as Eros or Starfox or whatever. Who I guess is Thanos’ brother? Like what?

Now, here are the problems with this movie. It’s not a bad movie. It’s okay. It’s not a Marvel movie that I’d rewatch. The problem with it, as I mentioned earlier is that it was trying to A) introduce these characters and then B) have these characters save the world. The Avengers worked because we already knew these characters, perhaps some more than others, but even then, they are popular characters. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Hulk are popular. Nearly everyone, even if they hadn’t read a comic book, knows the basic gist of these characters.

The Eternals are not popular comic characters. Unless you read the comics, you might not have an idea who they are. There’s nothing wrong with introducing obscure characters and bringing them to the big screen. The problem is they didn’t do it well. We have no connection to these characters. We don’t care about them because we don’t even know who they are. It’s hard to care about a character if you don’t know who they are. What I would’ve done is do a series like they’ve done with Loki, Hawkeye, WandaVision, and The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. A show would’ve allowed Marvel (or Disney rather) to really show us who these characters are. We could know them. That would make us more interested and invested in their story.

Then after the show, do a movie where the band has to get together. That’s how I would’ve done it. Instead, we get this movie where we don’t know the characters, and thus, we don’t care about the characters.

Honestly, this movie felt like more of a prequel. It’s a movie that is setting up other movies and that’s the only purpose, which is a definite problem. Having a movie that is really just a set-up for the next movies in the franchise is not a movie that necessarily I want to see.

Due to how that is, it made watching the movie difficult. Like I said, I was bored. It also left me with a lot of questions. The Eternals were meant to protect the Earth, right? Well, what about Thanos? The answer to that question was so weak and I couldn’t buy it.

Also, I feel like they got big names such as Angelina Jolie and Salem Hayek in order to sell tickets, and then totally underutilized them, which is stupid because they are great actresses. I’m not okay with that.

I’m not saying don’t watch the movie, I mean, it’s an okay movie. Just be prepared to be let down.

Here’s a bunch of articles I found from Screenrant. Enjoy!

Eternals Proves Avengers: Endgame Was An Anomaly In The MCU

Eternals Has The Opposite Problem To Guardians of the Galaxy 2

Eternals Was Made Worse By Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame

Why Each Eternal Betrayed Or Stayed Loyal To Arishem’s Mission

Eternals’ Post-Credits Are Good For The MCU’s Future But They’re Not Earned

Stay tuned for another blog next week!

-K

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