Yes, we are back. Here’s part seven where we talk about the best dad ever, Charlie Swan.

As stated previously in part six, Charlie is wonderful. I really don’t understand why Bella is so like against him. Like this man traveled to Arizona to be with her. Took time off and everything to see her and she’s like, so ungrateful towards him? She moves to Forks and he buys her a car! Bella doesn’t ask, nothing. He gets her a car and wants her to feel welcome there! This man is so excited to have his daughter living with him and she doesn’t care! The whole town knows because Charlie is the Chief of the police department and he’s probably been telling his buddies “My daughter’s coming to live with me!” Hell, I bet he pulls out a picture of her from his wallet. 

And I don’t know, maybe I’m projecting. I’ve never had a decent father figure in my life. Like ever. Or maybe rather I’ve never had a consistent decent father figure in my life. Charlie, he’s decent and good and genuinely loves his daughter. He wants the best for her. That’s all he wants. Bella is so ungrateful towards him and it infuriates me!

During the whole James thing. She needs to leave, right, to protect him. Okay, whatever. But she intentionally uses the same words her mother used when she left. It made Charlie stop dead and be like oh so she hates Forks too. Like her mother. She never wanted to be there. Like ouch? Poor Charlie. 

And you know what, Charlie is a pretty chill dad. I don’t think Bella even has a curfew because he knows that she’s a responsible adult. 

When does Bella get a curfew? Oh, I don’t know. AFTER SHE FUCKING LEAVES FOR ITALY AND DOESN’T TELL HER DAD WHERE SHE’S GOING.

(Honestly? Her getting a curfew is more than fair.)

I’m telling you right now, if I was 17 and I fucked off to another country to go after a boy who dumped my ass in the woods (not that that would happen but whatever), my mom would kick. My. ass. I would be dead. I wouldn’t have to worry about the Volturi. I’d be dead. Bella is lucky that she even gets to see Edward. Because if it was my mom or hell me, bitch you would never see that boy again!

Charlie is a lot nicer than I feel like other parents would be. I mean, his daughter fucks off to Italy with no explanation. He gets home and she’s gone. No note. Bed empty. (Said in my Mrs. Molly Weasley voice). Also, Charlie is a police officer. He sees all this and he’s probably thinking the absolute worst scenarios. She’s been kidnapped. She went off to the woods to commit suicide. He is kicking himself for not being a better dad and freaking the fuck out. Bella did that to him. Like just, why? 

Bella gets back and she lies to him and is all like “Yeah so Edward and I are back together and it’s so wonderful!” (Said in a Malibu Barbie voice.) Charlie isn’t dumb. I know she thinks he’s dumb, but come on. He’s not. He may not know what’s going on but he knows there is more to the story. Edward is damn lucky Charlie has self-control or Edward could’ve ended up getting shot. That is the boy who left Charlie’s daughter in the woods and then she’s spent the last four months being a zombie because of said boy. Motherfucker, please. I bet Charlie was like Please, please give me a reason to shoot you, Edmund whatever, I’ll fucking do it. Try. Me.

Oh, and it should be noted. That Edward can’t really read Charlie’s mind either. He can get the occasional thought but most of the time, it’s feelings, emotions. Of course, we don’t find that out until we read Midnight Sun because Bella sucks. 

Now all I’m picturing is Charlie pulling out his shotgun and shooting Edward with it. I think I cackled, ngl.

In Eclipse, Charlie tries to get Bella to be involved with people other than Edward. You know, a reasonable thing. Charlie doesn’t like Edward. I can’t blame him there. Bella doesn’t think about Charlie. Sure, she wants him to be safe. But she’s so focused on Edward that she doesn’t care or notice what her actions do to Charlie. Bella wants to be a vampire so bad that she doesn’t think about what that’d do to Charlie. Her “death” would do to him. Her mom has her husband. But Charlie? He doesn’t have anything. Bella dying would devastate him. Bella is all “Oh, he’ll get over it.” 

Charlie deserves better. 

When he does find out the truth, he takes it quite well, I always thought. All things considered. He rolls with the punches. He gets to have his daughter and sure, she looks. . .vastly different. That’s a bit jarring. But she’s alive. Oh, and he gets to have a cute granddaughter (though he’s still confused about that and is like what the fuck). 

Either way, Charlie is awesome. Bella sucks.

Book Charlie I don’t remember so much. He was chill and he was there. And he was good. Not perfect, but solid.

And then Movie Charlie absolutely fucking rocked that part so hard that Charlie became my low-key favorite character. That should have won an Oscar lol. Absolutely astounding A++ work. Well done. Billy Burke. Fuckin’ killin’ it, man. Good job.

Charlie went from being a dad you kinda notice sorta (book) to a master of dry wit and snark (movie) and I love it so much.

Now, I will say, there was a moment that I wasn’t a huge fan of Charlie and that was when he reacted to his daughter being assaulted by congratulating the assaulter. Cannot emphasize enough how bad that is.

Other than that, Charlie is great and wonderful and hilarious. And really nice in that “oh shit how do nice people talk to people? Whatever I’ll just say some words” kind of way.

And that moment where Bella leaves in Twilight? “I’ll end up stuck here like Mom”? Rip my fuckin’ heart out whydon’tcha? Fucking owwwww. And sobs. (Most of the time I have to hit fast forward and skip that part because I over-empathize and it kills me.)

Then he’s worried about her all the time in New Moon, which, can’t blame the guy. She was an absolute wreck. Practically in a vegetative state except for when she would have screaming nightmares. And after all that, she bails to go to another country.

To bring you back to that moment with context:

One of his best friends was recently deceased.

His daughter had been beyond distraught for months. I can guarantee you he was worried she was a danger to herself. And then she’s missing.

That’s what he gets to come home to after planning his friend’s funeral.

Bad day for Charlie.

So, yeah. When Bella comes back, of course she’s grounded. And of course Charlie hates Edward. He has no reason to trust this brat with his daughter. As far as Charlie is concerned, Edward is the teenaged prick who dumped his daughter for months and then came back like nothing had ever happened.

Yeah. No. Not gonna fly.

Lastly, in Breaking Dawn when Jacob reveals himself as a werewolf. (Yes, Keely, I said werewolf. Suck it.)

(SHAPESHIFTER.)

That scene in the movie was stellar. Gotta give it up for the director. And once again, Billy Burke holdin’ it down. And Charlie is chill with that and goes “well hey, it’s weird but if it means I get to see my daughter, I’m in.” Which makes me feel all kind of warm fuzzies because it always makes me sad in eternal being fiction when the eternal being has to say goodbye to a loving family. And, yeah, Bella isn’t gonna see much of her mom ever again, but she still has her dad.

That’s a weird thing to end on, I feel like I’m supposed to say something profound or at least something that wraps this up with a nice little bow.

Oh, well.

Until next time!

-A&K