Eat A Cheeseburger

Everyone always says “I wish I was skinny as you!” It’s something that I’ve lived with for years. Everytime someone says that I roll my eyes. Everytime someone asks “How much I weigh?” or asks “How do you stay so skinny?” I smile thinly.

I weigh maybe 90 pounds but why does it concern you?

My weight or my size is not your corncern yet somehow you feel the need to comment on it. You say things like “I wish I had your waist.” Or like “Omg you’re so skinny! How?”

Everytime you mention my weight or size it bothers me but I am too nice to say anything. This is what I want to say:

My weight is not your concern. My size is not your concern. Yes I realize you wear a size 8 and I wear a size 0. Who cares?

My weight is more than a desired pant size.

My weight is the reason why I have an irregular period that comes either every month or once every three months. That lack of a period is dangerous because it causes a build up. I develop ovarian cysts that cause such immense pain that I can’t pick up my backpack without tears in my eyes. Then sometimes those cysts burst like an overfilled water balloon and I’m curled up in the fetal position on my bed sobbing in pain.

My weight is caused by two things: a high metabolism and malnutrition. My metabolism is so fast that even when it comes to medicine, my body breaks it down. I can’t gain weight but boy I can lose it. Even though I eat. A lot. I am underweight.

When I was growing up, we were a poor family. I grew up in a broken home. My mother, though she tried, couldn’t always put bread out on the table. What little we had, I gave to my siblings. There were days, especially during the summer where I’d go three days without food. School was my saving grace since I was one of the lucky few who received free lunches. Due to the lack of food, it stunted my growth. That’s also why I have the tendency of hoarding food in my room.

My weight is the reason why I can never donate blood. I have always wanted to donate but everytime I go they smile sadly and say I can’t donate.

Everyone thinks that skinny girls can’t be self-conscious. Well, yes we can. In middle school P.E. I hated changing in front of the other girls. They used to stare and whisper at me, calling me anorexic. It was horrible. I’d wait to change until a stall was open.

I am still self-conscious. I can now sort of wear of crop tops (not that I go out anywhere to wear those tops). But it’s like stepping out into the world with the crop top and there is a giant neon beam showing the world where I am. It’s like “Look at the skinny girl!” It’s exhausting. But it’s a progress. Now if only I could get off the hang up of wearing low-cut shirts.

The point is, that skinny girls like me can be self-conscious too. People seem to miss that in the body positivity movement. People seem to think that skinny girls have no right to be self-conscious. Well we do. And I think it’s time that people understood that.

-K

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