Welcome to the new year! (Yes, I realize that it’s a bit late).
This is my first blog of the year. Forewarning: it will be all over the place.
And again, I make no promises. I get easily distracted so I will try to keep up with this to the best of my capabilities.
It’s only 28 days into this new year, the month of January is nearly over, and I can already tell that it’s going to easier than last year. Or rather, not easier, but less stressful.
Last year was mostly good. I started a new school and a new job and began my journey to getting my double bachelor degrees. That changed Fall 2017.
I lost my grandpa, Dean Reeves, August 9th, 2017, my uncle and sister’s birthday and a week before the semester started. It was extremely hard for me, for everyone. My grandpa and I were always close. I lived with him and my grandma and uncle twice in my life. Once when I was in 4th grade and then again when I was 19. I have always been close to that part of the family. I did everything I could to keep in touch, and to find out that grandpa was – is dead heartbreaking.
I started fall semester feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Barely two weeks later, my 22-year-old brother tried to commit suicide. Nonetheless, the start of the fall semester was rough. I was trying to talk to my brother and dealing with my grandpa’s death. It was a lot for me.
I don’t have many grandparents. Yes, there’s Michael’s (my father) mother – Pamela, but she disappeared out of my life and has never tried to get back in contact with me. Neither has Michael though. And there is Twyla and Ted (who also passed away), but they were never that close to me either.
Dean and Patrica Reeves, they are my grandparents. Now, all I have is Grandma. Grandpa isn’t there anymore, and it hurts. I’m better now, but there are still times when I think to myself:
Grandpa won’t see me graduate college.
Grandpa won’t be there when I publish my first novel.
Grandpa won’t be at my wedding.
Grandpa won’t
Grandpa won’t!
That phrase races through my head, and it never seems to cease. It’s like a horrible chant in my head when I think of all the these he won’t see. All the things that he’s going to miss out on because he’s not here.
We knew he was going to die. The doctors gave him 6 months. Well, he made it longer than that. He was always a tough old man. Grandpa made it through another Christmas, another birthday. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. He’s going to miss out on so much with his children and grandchildren.
I miss him every single day. It’s like I can’t breathe. It’s that feeling you get when you have a cold, and you have this lump in your throat that just refuses to be removed, but then you swallow, and it’s better. My teacher told me that this too will heal. And it will. But I miss him every day.
Sometimes, I still say “Grandma and grandpa’s house” to my aunt, and I have to catch myself. Or my aunt says it. It’s only now where we are finally getting used to saying “Grandma’s house.”
When he died, I wanted to scream and yell and throw things. I still do. I couldn’t write or draw. It’s only recently that I finally got back to that. And now, I can write about him without feeling like there’s glass in my throat.
So who was my grandpa?
He was everything.
He was amazing.
He could turn a piece of wood into a beautiful coffee table.
He took pictures of nature so that everyone could see the beauty of a hummingbird, a bee or a flower.
He was an incredibly talented man. He never stopped.
I loved my grandpa. I loved him so much. And yes, I still miss him. There are days where it really just…sucks. There’s not a word to describe these feelings. Sure I put on a brave face – that I know my aunt can see through – but on the outside, I’m smiling. Inside, I’m screaming. Now, it still hurts. It simply hurts….less.
I know that if he were here, he’d want me to keep going, keep trying, keep moving. Grandpa was always proud of me. Every single time I had a poem or a bit of a story or a new art project, he always had time to read it or see it. One year, I drew him a canary. A few weeks after I gave it to him, he posted a picture on Facebook and tagged me in it. It was the canary drawing, proudly up high so everyone could see it.
That’s who he was. I will always miss him, but I know, wherever he is, he’s still making furniture, he’s still taking photographs, and he’s still telling his jokes. And that’s all that really matters.
I miss writing. I miss painting. So I’m going to get back to that.
Here are a few of my little goals:
- Write every day, even if it’s like a sentence of shit
- Draw or “doodle” something so I can get those muscles working again
- Really work on my photography. Break out the camera-camera and not my cell phone
- Find a way to dance, even if it’s in my room
A rather unknown fact about me: I once wanted to be a dancer. I still do actually. I love to dance, even if it is a bit terrible. I used to listen to all these songs and have so many ideas for the choreography. I wanted to take ballet lessons or something when I was younger, but it never happened. I would love to take lessons. I’m not saying I’ll become some top dancer, but I’d like to try to dance.
My playlist so far for 2018. I am obsessed with these songs
-
- Symphony by Clean Bandit feat Zara Larsson. This song simultaneously makes me sad and happy at the same time. And the video? It is beautiful. Symphony is the title of this post for a reason.
- Dusk Till Dawn by ZAYN feat Sia. The video is alright. But I love the lyrics and the power of this song. It’s beautiful. In my head, I have two people dancing to this song. With paint. It sounds crazy but is awesome in my head.
- Home by Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, and Bebe Rexha. The song is from the movie Bright, a Netflix Original. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend. (Another Netflix Original movie to see: What Happened to Monday?) The video to “Home” is very political but I love it.
- What About Us by Pink. It’s another rather political video. The choreography in it is visually stunning. It’s a really beautiful video. (Also check out Beautiful Trauma. Channing Tatum is seriously adorable.)
- Meant to Be by Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line. Like Dusk Till Dawn, the video I don’t get. The lyrics are great. It’s a simple song with a great meaning.
Other great songs:
- Rich Love by OneRepublic
- Silence by Marshmello and Khalid
- Told You So by Miguel
- Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons
- Rainbow by Kesha
Mirror: A Poem
You are crooked glasses,
always sliding down your nose.
You are patterned leggings and baggy sweaters over
sports bras.
You are dyed hair
in a perpetually falling messy bun.
You are ink and paint-stained fingers.
You are a towering pile
of notebooks with its own code.
Each page filled with the thoughts
that run rampant through your head.
You are the scrambling search for a notebook,
and the frantic scratching down of an idea
before it fades away.
You are the canvas that one day will be filled.
You are dark brown eyes
that gleam either black or gold.
You are bright blue eyeliner lazily applied
and perfect red lips.
You are mismatched jewelry,
leather, silver and gemstones.
You are a brilliant smile and kind eyes
but a sharp tongue.
You are well-placed one-liners
to make people laugh.
You are….
Me.
For Grandpa – February 10th 19(?) – August 18th, 2017th. Don’t worry, I’ll capture nature for you. We all will. I miss you very much. I love you. (All photos by me via my cell phone.)
-K
The Inner Workings 